And so James asked, well, my wife says I'm a narcissist and a verbal abuser,
but I've never been told that before. How do I break down the wall?
She's put up and talked to her again.
When it comes to narcissists,
that's one of the most overused and abused words in the English language.
And at least in America, at this point, if you look at the DSM five,
that's the diagnostic and statistical manual used by psychiatrists and
psychologists and counselors and therapists.
The number five is the fifth version. That's the latest one that's out.
And if you look up what narcissism really is,
and you'll look at some of the research there,
it may be as low as 0% of people
in America are true.
Narcissist meaning having narcissistic personality disorder in
some studies, they may find it up to like maybe 1%. In other words,
somebody who truly has a narcissistic personality disorder,
exceptionally rare.
The one thing that just burns me up is when I'll be talking to somebody and
they'll say like a lie, for example. And she'll say,
my therapist said my husband as a narcissist, really?
How many, the sessions as you therapist had with your husband? Oh,
she's never met him. She's just telling me that. Based off what I said,
run,
that person is not ethical and they don't know what they're doing.
If they're really telling you that somebody who's a narcissist,
that they haven't even diagnosed.
But especially when narcissism is so exceptionally. Right. Rare. Now,
are there people who are selfish? Yes.
Are there people sometimes who will think about only themselves? Yes.
By the way, my guess is that sometimes that's you,
because I think all of us are sometimes that way. Now,
if she's saying you're a narcissist and you're a verbal abuser, okay.
Maybe she picked up the narcissist from the jargon that's going on out there.
Maybe one of her friends said that to her because she heard it somewhere. Okay.
I wouldn't pay a lot of attention to that, except for this.
Don't think that you're a narcissist, but think, Hmm.
Am I really doing things that are so selfish that she's thinking
that word applies to me because she thinks I don't really care about what she
thinks. Don't really care about what she feels. Now,
the second phrase you use there actually gives me a clue to that. She says,
I'm a verbal abuser.
If you really are take ownership of that,
if you really are take ownership of it,
that means that she feels put down. She feels disrespected.
When you start looking at the research out there about the primary reasons
people want out of a marriage. It's because I don't feel that you love me.
Notice it's not measuring whether you love or not.
I don't feel that you love me.
I don't feel that you like me.
I don't feel that you respect me. I don't care. How many times you tell me,
you do love me. You do like me. You do respect me. I don't feel any of those.
And typically the way that those are communicated,
that disrespect on love and dislike is through language,
including body language, the way you look at them, the way you hold your body,
the way you'll hold your hands. And basically the words that you say.
So if indeed, she feels that you're thinking mostly about yourself. If indeed,
she feels that you disrespect her. In other words,
you're a bubble verbal abuser. You may be thinking, well,
I just call it like an. I just tell her what I think.
And she should be mature enough to hear the truth and not get all upset about
that.
Then you're not understanding emotions are more important than facts.
What a person feels is more important,
more important by far than what a person does,
because what a person feels is part of their identity.
What they do could be an extension of their identity,
but what they do could be an idiotic thing to do on the spur of the moment,
but their identity, their real identity, their emotions are tied to directly.
And so if a person feels you're putting them down and an orange verbally abusing
them, if you're being mean, if the tone of voice, if the way you look at them,
any of those kinds of things are happening,
then they're going to react better negatively to that. So you'll say, okay,
how can I get her to, uh,
take down a wall and talk to her again?
Then that means based on how she's identifying your communication.
If indeed, she's not making it all up. If she's not saying it to manipulate you,
if she's really truly feeling those things, it would mean James,
that you've got to change your communication process and be extremely respectful
and kind and understanding.
When you listen to her, come when you talk to her.