WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL FOR DONALD TRUMP TODAY.
HALF OF CONGRESS ABSOLUTELY HATES HIM, AND THE DEMOCRATS
AREN'T FOND OF HIM, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> I DON'T LIKE TO BE THE SUCKER.
>> Stephen: NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING UP TOW
THIS POINT, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MUSING PUBLICLY, "WHEN IS THE
CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS COMING?" WELL, MARK YOUR CALENDAR, TATTOO
IT ON YOUR FOREHEAD, AND FLIP OFF YOUR BOSS, BECAUSE IT'S
HERE.
THIS AFTERNOON, THE WHITE HOUSE DELIVERED ON THEIR PREVIOUS
OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE WITH AN OFFICIAL LETTER TELLING THE
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES THAT TRUMP WILL NOT COOPERATE WITH
THEIR IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY.
YES.
( BOOING ) DON'T GET HIM WRONG.
DON'T GET HIM WRONG.
TRUMP WOULD LIKE TO HELP WITH THEIR INQUIRY INTO HIS
CONVERSATION WITH UKRAINE BUT, TRAGICALLY, HE HAS PHONE SPURS.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE WHITE HOUSE MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT IN AN OFFICIALLY
BITCHY EIGHT-PAGE LETTER TO CONGRESS, WRITING, "GIVEN THAT
YOUR INQUIRY LACKS ANY LEGITIMATE CONSTITUTIONAL
FOUNDATION, ANY PRETENSE OF FAIRNESS, OR EVEN THE MOST
ELEMENTARY DUE PROCESS PROTECTIONS, THE EXECUTIVE
BRANCH CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN IT."
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU CAN'T JUST NOT PARTICIPATE IN YOUR OWN IMPEACHMENT.
( AS JUDGE )
ASSAULT AND BATTERY.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"
"UH... PASS?"
"CAN I BUY A VOWEL?
I WOULD LIKE TO..."
THE LETTER IS FULL OF ABSOLUTELY BONKERS ARGUMENTS, TELLING THE
DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP, "YOU HAVE DENIED THE PRESIDENT THE RIGHT
TO CROSS-EXAMINE WITNESSES."
THE WITNESS IS TRUMP'S INCRIMINATING PHONE TRANSCRIPT,
WHICH HE RELEASED.
IF HE WANTED TO, HE COULD CROSS-EXAMINE HIMSELF.
"WHERE WAS I ON THE NIGHT OF THE PHONE CALL?
"I WAS ON THE PHONE!" "AH-HA!
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS, IF THAT'S THE CASE, DID YOU GET ANY
DIRT ON JOE BIDEN?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE LETTER-- SAME LETTER--
THE LETTER WHINES ON, "THE PRESIDENT CANNOT ALLOW YOUR
CONSTITUTIONALLY ILLEGITIMATE PROCEEDINGS TO DISTRACT HIM AND
THOSE IN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH FROM THEIR WORK ON BEHALF OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
THE PRESIDENT HAS A COUNTRY TO LEAD."
YES.
AND IT'S UKRAINE.
HE'S LEADING THEM STRAIGHT INTO PUTIN'S ARMS.
COME TO PAPA.
THIS LETTER CAME TO THE HOUSE, JUST HOURS AFTER THE HOUSE WAS
ALL SET TO HEAR TESTIMONY FROM AMBASSADOR TO THE EUROPEAN
UNION, GORDON SONDLAND, SEEN HERE REALIZING, "I'M GOING TO
JAIL FOR THAT GUY?" HOUSE DEMOCRATS WANT TO ASK
SONDLAND ABOUT A SERIES OF TEXTS HE SENT TO THE FORMER AMBASSADOR
TO UKRAINE, WHICH REVEALED THAT TRUMP PUT PRESSURE ON THE
UKRAINIANS TO INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN.
BUT SEW'S LAWYERS LEARNED THE ADMINISTRATION WOULDN'T LET THE
AMBASSADOR TESTIFY, AFTER THE STATE DEPARTMENT LEFT A VOICE
MAIL LAST NIGHT AT TELPH: 30 A.M.
FIRST OFF, STATE DEPARTMENT, JUST TEXT.
NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO VOICE MAIL.
ALSO, ANYBODY WHO CALLS THAT LATE ONLY ONE ONE THING: "HI.
HEY, GORDON, IT'S ME.
IT'S ME, UNDER SECRETARY FOR TRADE NEGOTIATIONS.
I WAS JUST CALLING BECAUSE I WAS THINKING HOW MUCH I WANT YOU NOT
TO TESTIFY TOMORROW.
GORDON.
WHAT ARE YOU NOT WEARING?" NOTICE, ACCORDING TO HOUSE
INTELLIGENCE CHAIRMAN ADAM SCHIFF, SONDLAND'S TESTIMONY IS
NOT THE ONLY THING THE WHITE HOUSE IS BLOCKING.
>> WE ARE ALSO AWARE THAT THE AMBASSADOR HAS TEXT MESSAGES OR
EMAILS ON A PERSONAL DEVICE.
THE STATE DEPARTMENT IS WITHHOLDING THOSE MESSAGES AS
WELL.
THE FAILURE TO PRODUCE THESE DOCUMENTS WE CONSIDER YET
ADDITIONAL STRONG EVIDENCE OF OBSTRUCTION OF THE
CONSTITUTIONAL FUNCTIONS OF CONGRESS.
>> Stephen: AND OBSTRUCTION OF AN IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS ITSELF
GROUNDS FOR IMPEACHMENT.
THIS WHOLE THING IS LIKE THAT M.C. ESCHER PRINT: HANDS CUFFING
THEMSELVES.
BUT TRUMP, TRUMP-- THEY LOVE ESHER JOKES.
THEY LOVE...
BUT TRUMP INSISTS THAT HE HAS NOTHING WRONG, NOTHING TO HIDE,
TWEETING: "I WOULD LOVE TO SEND AMBASSADOR
SONDLAND, A REALLY GOOD MAN AND GREAT AMERICAN, TO TESTIFY.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, HE WOULD BE TESTIFYING BEFORE A TOTALLY
COMPROMISED KANGAROO COURT."
FIRST,UN THIS IS CONGRESS AND NOT A COURT, RIGHT?
SECOND, YOU ALSO KNOW THAT THERE ARE NO ACTUAL KANGAROOS.
THERE'S ALSO NO KOALA BAILIFF, NO DINGO JUDGE,
THE GAVEL'S NOT A BOOMARANG, AND THE JURY IS NOT ALL CROCODILES
DUNDEE.
( LAUGHTER )
KANGAROO METAPHOR, THIS THEME HAS BEEN POPULAR AMONG
REPUBLICANS.
TAKE FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE AND STAR OF FRAT BABY" MATT GAETZ.
>> WHAT WE SEE IN THIS IMPEACHMENT IS A KANGAROO COURT,
AND CHAIRMAN SCHIFF IS ACTING LIKE A MALICIOUS CAPTAIN
KANGAROO.
>> Stephen: (AS GAETZ) "CHAIRMAN SCHIFF IS A MALICIOUS
CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
TRUMP'S BEING RAILROADED BY THE TERRIFYING THOMAS THE TANK
ENGINE.
( LAUGHTER )
HOWDY DOODY, AND IT'S BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTERS 'F' AND 'U.'"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONGRESS-- NO, I'M MAD!
NO, I'M STILL IN CHARACTER AS MATT GAETZ!
>> Jon: PUT IT DOWN!
>> Stephen: CONGRESS STILL WANTS TO HEAR FROM THE ORIGINAL
WHISTLEBLOWER WHO STARTED THIS WHOLE THING.
AND THEY'RE TAKING EVERY PRECAUTION.
IN FACT, HOUSE DEMOCRATS ARE CONSIDERING MASKING THE IDENTITY
OF THE WHISTLEBLOWER FROM TRUMP'S G.O.P. ALLIES IN
CONGRESS.
HOLD ON.
THE WHISTLEBLOWER IS DEFENDING DEMOCRACY AND GETS TO WEAR A
MASK.
IS IT THIS GUY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
THE DEMOCRATS ARE ALSO CONSIDERING HAVING THE
WHISTLEBLOWER ALTER HIS VOICE, POSSIBLY WITH MODIFICATION
TECHNOLOGY.
"POSSIBLY WITH MODIFICATION TECHNOLOGY."
WHAT OTHER WAY WOULD THEY POSSIBLY DO IT?
"PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BETRAYED OUR NATION'S CORE IDEALS AND
TURNED HIS BACK ON ALL THAT WE STAND FOR!
HE MUST BE REMOVED FROM OFFICE BEFORE DEMOCRACY ERODES BENEATH
OUR FEET.
I SAY THIS NOT JUST AS A PATRIOT BUT AS A MEMBER OF THE
♪ LOLLIPOP GUILD THE HOLLY POP GUILD
♪ THE LOLLIPOP GUILD ♪ I REPRESENT THE INSPECTOR
GENERAL ♪ AND WE'D LIKE TO GO AND DRAG
YOUR ASS TO JAIL ♪ OH, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S A HIGH.
>> Jon: GET IT ALL IN.
♪ LOVING YOU IS EASY BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )