So earlier this year I made a video for Useful Charts outlining everybody in the Arthur Pendragon
family tree, and since then, y’know… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about
it. And let me tell you, the fandom for the Matter of Britain is an odd place to find
oneself, because upon reading Thomas Malory’s 1485 classic Le Morte d’Artur in what I
believe is approximately the original Middle English with some adjustments of spelling,
I discovered - Arthurian legend is a veritable gold mine of literary drama! But like a gold
mine, it’s 99% dirt and rocks, which is why despite my brimming with unbridled enthusiasm,
no one gives a shit about King Arthur. So I have decided, even though he’s not a real
historical figure, I have a platform here and I can and will use it to drag you all
by the ear and explain to you why this book written a hundred years before Shakespeare
about a bunch of virgins having lunch together at the round table is actually the coolest
shit ever.
Now I know some of you are thinking, Jack, everybody knows the story of King Arthur already
- ah! Chances are you know like five names and a couple scenes - Arthur pulls the sword
from the stone, right, he goes looking for the grail, uh, and I guess maybe he finds
it, his son turns evil, and then he goes to sleep - buddy, my guy, my friend, you’re
telling me you’ve seen the entire MCU because you heard a purple guy clicks his fingers,
but you’re missing the best parts - a doomed romance, the ghosts of our youth come back
to haunt us, the lies, the incest, those moments when you realize Lancelot is lifted directly
from anime - oh gentle viewer, we have only scratched the surface.
[wrong intro plays] Whoop, wrong intro - here we go
[intro]
Now before I get started, there are obviously many different tellings of King Arthur and
the one I’m about to jump into is very much a product of the 1400s, but before that you
had Geoffrey of Monmouth’s History of the Kings of Britain in the 1200s, you had Historia
Brittonum in the 800s and as you move further back you move a little further away from the
fantastical and a little closer to the historical, I say a little bit because you get actual
events like the Anglo-Saxon invasion but then you still get stuff like Arthur conquering
the entire North Sea - England, Denmark, Norway, even Ireland, Iceland, Gaul! And then somehow
the Western Roman Empire still exists at the same time. But if you actually go back to
the time he was supposed to have lived, he’s gone, because he never really existed, and
so naturally a lot of people have gotten very curious about where this whole story came
from, and that’s why this episode is sponsored by King Arthur: The Legend on MagellanTV!
They set the groundwork for what Arthur’s supposed lifetime really looked like, the
aftermath of Rome’s departure from Britain, the Anglo-Saxon invasion, and then track how
this murky Welsh legend became adopted as a symbol of Britain and the power of that
Great Myth that has survived into the modern era, because ultimately trying to find some
Welsh leader who might have been mythologized into a great King is cool and all, but more
than that it’s the stories that matter. Right now viewers can take advantage of a
special holiday offer: buy one, get one free gift card for an annual membership by clicking
on the link in the description. So the comparison to the MCU is intentional,
because this bad boy is the size of a George R. R. Martin novel and it reads like a summary,
I mean Malory does not faff about, so there’s like fifty different stories in here, not
to mention the fact that it’s built on literal centuries of lore, so forgive me if I depart
from this particular version on occasion in order to make a more concise, engaging storyline.
So first thing to know about Arthur, uh, he’s a product of uh, well his father Uther was
a creep who wanted to impersonate a woman’s husband and Merlin was an accomplice because
he got his magical powers by being the son of a literal demon. But it’s actually all
okay because Uther was at war with her husband and he died in battle just a few hours before
they got in bed so she was actually single, uh and then Uther kinda kidnapped this woman
to be his wife and so uh, y’know, all fine and dandy. Then Merlin shows up in court one
day and says “Hey I think we should never ever mention this baby to anyone ever and
give him to someone else to raise” and Uther’s like “Cool”
So then I guess this is the point in history where Britain became an anarcho-syndicalist
commune for a little while because there was just no king, until Merlin goes “Oh right,
where did I leave that kid?” and of course he has to convince everyone that this little
stinker is actually Uther’s flesh and blood and so naturally the most reliable form of
a paternity test is whether or not Jesus will let you pick up the magic sword Daddy stuck
in a rock. Or an anvil, you know it’s not really that important.
Obviously a lot of people aren’t cool with taking orders from a teenager so there’s
a bunch of fighting that goes on, but Arthur is The Chosen One™ so he kicks ass, he kicks
ass all around Britain until he actually runs out of ass and has to fall back on chewing
bubblegum.
Flash forward, Arthur’s a big strong man now, and also, not really a great guy. Maybe
he had his moments when he was young, but now he’s sleeping around and his wife Guinevere,
say it ain’t so-!, she has no idea. But wait! One of those people under his covers…
was his half-sister- [gaaaasp!] And just to make things worse, Merlin tells him there’s
gonna be a baby boy born in, oh say about 9 months, who’s going to ruin absolutely
everything, so Arthur decides to massacre every child born on that day. Say goodbye
to Merlin by the way, cause he takes up stalking a lady of the lake and gets stuck in a rock
and dies.
Now one day Arthur’s hosting a jousting tournament, and in this jousting tournament
a mysterious white knight appears and he starts kicking ass. He decks a couple of Arthur’s
knights, and, I believe, in some versions, Arthur himself gets up on his horse and this
guy knocks him off without breaking a sweat. Hell, I’ve even heard it told where Arthur
whips out Excalibur and breaks the damn thing because it wasn’t designed to handle this
level of hubris.
The White Knight then takes off his helmet and oh my God it’s Sir Lancelot! Except
nobody in Camelot knows who that is yet, but you better believe we’re still hyped because
Lancelot is best boy bar none. And Lancelot goes on to be the biggest superstar medieval
Britain has ever seen, and at one point he single-handedly saves the entire kingdom because
he’s that good at fighting.
And on one such adventure, Lancelot goes to rescue Queen Guinevere, who up to this point
has pretty much been a cardboard cutout of Princess Peach, you could swap them out, never
know the difference. But now after being married to Arthur for however many years, here comes
this hot tamale being all chivalrous and it is clear these two got the hots for each other
right away. But this is medieval England, think of the shame! The shame!
And so they return to court, riding separate horses, leaving room for Jesus, but what’s
this?! It’s Guinevere’s evil twin sister! I mean in reality this is a separate story,
but roll with me here. It’s Guinevere’s evil twin half-sister, don’t ask me how
that works, and she’s pulling the old “No, she’s the evil robot impostor replicant
alien swamp thing, shoot her!” routine. So Arthur banishes the real Guinevere, because
after God knows how many years of marriage, they have literally zero intimate knowledge
of each other. Arthur could have asked for just one special memory they shared or a secret
one of them told the other, but he didn’t, you know why? Because Guinevere would have
come up with nothing! And also probably witchcraft, like a love potion or something, her sister’s
evil.
So what does Lancelot do, he takes Guinevere with him and asks a favor from… Galehaut,
the guy who nearly took over the kingdom last year! He and Lancelot are best friends now
because every anime hero needs a friend who tried to kill them in the past. And now, with
Arthur out of the picture sleeping with Guinevere’s sister, and with Lancelot as brave and caring
as he is, and with Galehaut audibly shipping the two of them every morning at breakfast,
at least in the versions where he isn’t shipping himself with one or both of them,
they finally get down to the ol’ beast with two backs.
Fun fact, after the timeskip when Lancelot and Guenevere go back to Camelot and the round
table goes hunting for the holy grail, this is the reason why Lancelot only gets a glimpse
of an old cup while his son Galahad takes a one-way tractor-beam to Nirvana. Anyway,
remember that incest baby Arthur had? He’s all grown up now, his name’s Mordred, and
he’s hanging out with the rest of the knights going “Guys Guenelot is a thing and everyone
knows it, we should tell Dad - I mean Arthur.” and the others are like “Dude no, that is
a terrible idea, do you want civil war?” “Who me? Nooooo! Of course not! I just hate
to see Arthur get cucked like this” “Okay but you do realize Lancelot is anime-protagonist
levels of powerful and Galahad went to heaven so there’s no way to stop him”
“Come on, it’s not like he could beat Goku”
“We are not Goku! We are men in shiny hats with pointy metal sticks!”
So Mordred tells Arthur, Arthur sends Mordred with 13 other knights to go catch Lancelot
in the act. Lancelot’s buddy Sir Bors is like “Yo Lancelot Mordred made this whole
thing about telling Arthur, I don’t think Arthur’s really on that hunting trip”
“Relaaaaax. M’lady called for me, I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I didn’t answer” and
then Mordred’s entire patrol shows up ready for battle while Lancelot is alone and unarmed.
Lancelot kills 13 of them and leaves Mordred running for his life with a big gaping wound,
then runs off into the night!
Arthur then calls for Guinevere. He realizes that the only way they can work through this…
is by burning her alive! Lancelot has to run back to Camelot and assault the whole castle
to rescue the love of his life, but the people guarding it are his best friends! The only
way he gets to Guinevere in the end is by mowing down his closest companions in a carnival
of blood!
Gwen narrowly escapes getting done Pittsburgh rare, so Arthur calls in a favor from his
new best friend... the Pope?! The Pope tells Lancelot he’ll be free to go if he Fedexes
Arthur’s trophy wife back to Camelot, and Arthur promises he won’t kill her. So Lancelot
figures Arthur might have slept around, and had an incest baby, and massacred every newborn
child in his kingdom, but he wouldn’t be caught lying to the Pope, so he hands over
Guinevere, oh Lancelot you tragic himbo! Lancelot then crosses the channel and stays in France
because surprise, his family owns all of France! This story pulls no punches!
No surprise, Arthur crosses the channel to hunt him down, and Lancelot ends up having
an epic duel with his actual best friend Sir Gawain, these guys go way back, Lancelot’s
saved his life on numerous occasions, but Gawain’s pretty pissed because Lancelot
just killed his entire family in that assault on Camelot. Lancelot wins, because obviously,
he’s best boy, but even as foes on the field of battle, he saves Gawain’s life again!
And it’s a lucky thing, because Gawain goes back to England to recover from his wounds
only to realize oh shit, Mordred’s a Disney villain! He took over the kingdom and everything’s
bad and terrible now! Like, like, uh… well Malory actually says that everyone in England
liked Mordred better because he wasn’t going to war all the time, unlike Arthur who fought
a war against eleven kings, against five more kings, against the king of Orkney, against
another twelve kings, another five kings whom he all killed, and then there was that time
he sacked Rome and made himself Roman emperor that was a weird one, but it was all fiendish
trickery and propaganda, because Mordred is the evil one and Arthur is the good one!
And you’re never gonna believe it, there’s only one man powerful enough to stop Mordred.
Did you guess Lancelot? Because it’s Lancelot! Gawain writes a letter to France, “Dear
Lance, the man of many lances, Mr. Du Lake, Tom Lancey… sorry for trying to murder you.
Arthur could really use your help. Much love, Gawain” and then he dies, and it’s actually
really sad because y’know he’s on his death bed and he’s finally forgiven Lancelot
but they’ll never get to see each other again to make amends, but we don’t have
time for sentiment right now because Arthur and Mordred are having an epic showdown!
It was the Battle of Camlann, and the once idle Arthur was a warrior once more. But he
sees that by his pride nearly every man of the round table, his most cherished companions
and the legacy, the unrivaled era of justice and goodness they brought together, they were
all gone now. And then he sees in front of him, the son born of his sin, he takes his
spear in hand, they clash, and he smites the young man down! And then Mordred pulls the
spear trough the other side of his chest and gouges Arthur on the side of the head! What?!
Arthur, then, as you know, is taken for a long snooze on the isle of Avalon until the
day he awakes to save Britain from its darkest hour, and then hang around as the country’s
racist grandpa until he kicks the bucket again for good.
And only then, after the battle was over, does Lancelot show up and look around through
the carnage. He takes on the job of keeping things stable in the kingdom until they can
find a new king, but more importantly, he looks for Guinevere. And he finds… Arthur
was true to his word, at least halfway. But this is a soap opera, you fool, there’s
no happy endings! As soon as they meet, Guinevere tells him “Away with you, our love is malady
- by it are the flowers of kings and knights and kingdoms all destroyed. Go now, find thee
a wife, live with her in joy and bliss” “No, my lady, you are the only one for me…
I shall never love again” and he lives the rest of his days in chastity, taking on the
habit of a monk that he might atone evermore for his love, just when it was finally at
hand.
And that… is why you should care about King Arthur! Six seasons and a movie, HBO, call
me!