WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M SURE LIKE ALL OF YOU IN HERE AND WATCHING OUT THERE,
I'D ALWAYS HOPED I'D LIVE TO SEE THE END OF THE COVID SAFETY
PRECAUTIONS, WE GET TO BURN OUR MASKS AT A
BONFIRE, AND THEN DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE MAKE OUT OR EAT FREE
GROCERY STORE SAMPLES.
BUT TURNS OUT, THAT'S NOT HOW PANDEMICS END: NOT WITH A BANG,
BUT WITH A COURT ORDER.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, OUT OF THE BLUE, A FEDERAL JUDGE STRUCK
DOWN THE MASK MANDATE FOR PLANE >> WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR
ANYONE WHO RODE PUBLIC TRANSIT AND SAY THIS IS TOO SANITARY
"THIS IS TOO SANITARY."
NO SURPRISE, THE RULING COMES FROM A TAMPA-BASED FEDERAL
JUDGE.
YOU CAN'T LET FLORIDA MAKE HEALTH DECISIONS FOR THE ENTIRE
COUNTRY.
THE FLORIDA--
THIS JUDGE CLAIMED THE LIMITED TO THINGS LIKE CLEANING
PROPERTY, NOT REQUIRING PEOPLE TO TAKE HYGIENIC STEPS.
YES, YOU CANNOT FORCE PEOPLE TO FOLLOW BASIC HYGIENE.
YOU CAN ONLY MAKE THEM CLEAN SURFACES.
EXPLAINS THE NEW BATHROOM SIGN: "BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK,
EMPLOYEES MUST WASH THIS SIGN."
THE JUDGE--
SURE THE JUDGE CLARIFIED HER RULING,
EXPLAINING, "WEARING A MASK CLEANS NOTHING.
AT MOST, IT TRAPS VIRUS DROPLETS."
THAT'S THE MASK'S JOB, YOU DUMMY!
SO MY DROPLETS DON'T GET ON YOU!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, THIS DIAPER IS USELESS.
EVERY TIME I PUT ONE ON MY BABY, IT FILLS UP WITH POOP!
THAT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING!
THE GENIUS JURIST BEHIND THIS RULING IS JUDGE KATHRYN MIZELLE,
A 35-YEAR-OLD APPOINTED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- AFTER HE LOST
THE 2020 ELECTION.
AT THE TIME, MIZELLE RECEIVED A "NOT QUALIFIED" RATING FROM THE
AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND HAD NEVER TRIED A CRIMINAL OR CIVIL
CASE.
YOU DO NOT WANT A JUDGE WITH ZERO CASES UNDER HER BELT:
"COUNCIL WILL APPROACH THE BENCH AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THIS TINY
WOODEN HAMMER IS FOR.
AM I SUPPOSED TO TENDERIZE THE JURY?"
( LAUGHTER )
ALL MAJOR AIR CARRIERS, INCLUDING AMERICAN AIRLINES,
UNITED AIRLINES, AND DELTA AIR LINES, RELAXED THE RESTRICTIONS,
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, WHICH THESE PASSENGERS FOUND OUT
MID-FLIGHT:
IT'S OVER, IMMEDIATELY.
CONGRATULATIONS
>> Stephen: "CONGRATULATIONS" IS AN ODD WAY TO ANNOUNCE THE
LIFTING OF A SAFETY MEASURE:
"THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
CONGRATS, THE MASK MANDATE HAS BEEN REPEALED.
WHILE WE'RE AT IT, I'VE TURNED OFF THE SEATBELT SIGN, DISABLED
THE LAVATORY SMOKE DETECTOR, AND WE'RE HOSTING KNIFE FIGHTS IN
THE COCKPIT.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
LET THE 'HUNGER GAMES' BEGIN.
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR."
NOW, LOOK, PEOPLE--
PEOPLE ♪ CELEBRATE
ALL CELEBRATE AND HAVE-- LOOK, PEOPLE CAN TAKE THIS NEWS
HOWEVER THEY WANT, BUT IT'S UNFAIR FOR PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE
IMMUNOCOMPROMISED OR FLYING WITH UNVAXXED KIDS TO CHANGE THE
RULES MID-FLIGHT.
THAT'S LIKE BEING TOLD HALFWAY THROUGH THE DINNER PARTY THAT
IT'S AN ORGY.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M ALL FILLED UP ON DINNER ROLLS.
( LAUGHTER )
UNDERWEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
DIFFERENT UNDERWEAR IF YOU...
( APPLAUSE )
SAY MASKS ARE NOW OPTIONAL FOR EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS
FOLLOWING THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCEMENT, WHILE SPIRIT
AIRLINES RELEASED THIS COCKTAIL NAPKIN: "SPIRIT HAS NEVER VALUED
HUMAN LIFE."
( LAUGHTER )
SAID IT WOULD KEEP ITS MASK MANDATE IN PLACE.
SO IF YOU ARE--
YEAH,s YEAH, GOOD FOR THEM.
IF YOU ARE RIDING THE SUBWAY, REMEMBER, MASKS ARE MANDATORY.
PANTS, STILL OPTIONAL.
THE GUY IN THE CORONER IS OBEYING THE
RULES.
THE TIMING OF THIS RULING, I HAVE TO SAY, IS NOT THE BEST.
THANKS TO THE BA.2 SUBVARIANT, NATIONALLY, CASES ARE UP BY OVER
43%.
WITH CASES RISING LIKE THIS, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GET OUR
HEALTH REGULATIONS FROM SOME FEDERAL JUDGE.
THAT'S THE JOB OF THE C.D.C.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO DISAGREES WITH ME?
THE C.D.C.
BECAUSE THEY'RE SENDING OUT A NEW MESSAGE ON COVID
BEHAVIORS: IT'S YOUR CALL.
THAT'S NOT HOW PUBLIC SAFETY WORKS.
YOU DON'T SEE SIGNS AT THE POOL THAT SAY, "SHALLOW WATER.
NO DIVING.
OR GO FOR IT MELANIE!" PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE NOW
LEAVING IT UP TO PEOPLE TO ASSESS IF THEY NEED BOOSTER
SHOTS, WHETHER TO WEAR A MASK, AND HOW LONG TO ISOLATE AFTER A
POSITIVE TEST.
NO!
NO, NO, NO!
DON'T LEAVE IT UP TO PEOPLE.
HAVE YOU MET PEOPLE?
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW WHO EATS AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY?
PEOPLE DO.
THEY SERVE AN APPETIZER THAT IS JUST CHEESEBURGER.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, FRANCE IS SIDENTIALHEADED TOW
ELECTION THAT COULD HAVE HUGE CONSEQUENCES FOR EUROPE.
THE LEADING CANDIDATE IS FRENCH PRESIDENT EMMANUEL
MACRON, SEEN HERE IMPRESSING VOTERS WITH A STORY ABOUT
CATCHING A CIGARETTE THIS BIG.
HE'S RUNNING AGAINST FAR-RIGHT CANDIDATE, AND MOST
SOPHISTICATED WOMAN AT THE NICKEL SLOTS, MARINE LE PEN.
( LAUGHTER )
EXTREMIST WITH A HISTORY OF PRAISING PUTIN, AND EVEN
RECEIVING FUNDING FROM A RUSSIAN BANK.
MACRON IS RUNNING TO KEEP THE WESTERN ALLIANCE ALIVE, AND WITH
THE STAKES THIS HIGH, HE'S GOT A BOLD NEW CAMPAIGN STRATEGY:
POSTING THIRST TRAPS ON INSTA.
ZUT ALORS!
THAT IS NOT A FUR T-SHIRT.
THAT'S HIS CHEST HAIR.
NOT ONLY DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES.
IT IS WALL TO WALL, BABY.
THAT IS INDOOR/OUTDOOR.
YOU GET A KICK OUT OF THAT.
IF THIS WORKS, IT WILL SET A NEW STANDARD FOR CAMPAIGNS
EVERYWHERE.
BIDEN'S GOT TO SHOW A LITTLE SOCK GARTER FOR THE MID-TERMS.
BORIS JOHNSON HAS TO GIVE US A PEEK UNDER THE HAYSTACK.
AND JUSTIN TRUDEAU HAS TO SHOW US HIS BUTT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S NOT UP FOR REELECTION.
IT WOULD JUST BE A TREAT.
YOU KNOW YOU COULD SNAP A POOL CUE OVER THAT THING.
YOU COULD BOUNCE A 'TWONEY' OFF THAT THING, GET BACK TWO
'LOONEYS.' BABY GOT BACK, BACON, IS WHAT
I'M SAYING.
MACRON'S FULL CHEST BUSH WASN'T THE ONLY THING CATCHING PEOPLE'S
ATTENTION.■ EAGLE-EYED VIEWERS ALSO NOTICED
THAT, IN THE PICTURE, HE HAS TWO CELL PHONES.
THAT'S JUST HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE.
YOU GOT YOUR MAIN PHONE AND YOUR MISTRESS PHONE, WHICH IS ON
FRANCE'S TOP CELLULAR NETWORK: MENAGE-A-T-ET-T.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OSCAR
ISAAC IS HERE WITH PUPPIES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )