- Thanks.
- [Driver] You folks have a nice day now.
- All right, thank you.
God, he's fucking at it too.
- What?
- Well, they're all at it on this fucking, 'nice day'.
'Have a nice day.'
- Could you just be nice?
He was just telling you to have a nice day!
- I'm not a folk.
What's the 'folks' all about?
- Well it sounds like folk.
(serene music)
- Hello.
- Welcome to Tikkun Holistic Spa.
- We'd both like to get our anuses steamed.
- Okay, great.
It helps with stomach detoxification,
and it helps with shrinking hemorrhoids,
it'll help with fertility.
- No, I have not got hemorrhoids.
- Yeah, but it's preemptive as well,
it can stop the onset of hemorrhoids.
- It's a great detox,
it was originally for the King of China.
- Yeah?
- Oh, he comes here, the King of China, does he?
(laughs)
- Well, the King of China, I think, has passed away.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- But originally it was for the King of China, so.
- Yes, right.
- Thanks very much.
- Make that just for one.
- No, come on! You're gonna feel so much better,
you're gonna be rejuvenated.
Clean mind, clean anus. That's what our day's all about.
- Right.
- Right, follow me.
- Follow this lady.
After you.
(whispering) Clean mind, clean anus. Rubbish.
- You need to embrace the LA lifestyle.
- There is nothing wrong with my anus.
- We're gonna go into the treatment room now.
(melodious instrumental music)
- This is ridiculous.
- You look really nice.
- What do you mean, look nice? I look like a geisha.
Absolutely ridiculous.
How I let you talk me into this, I do not know.
Oh God, look at this.
- So these are the chairs that you'll be sitting on.
- [Jack] Without wishing to be too graphic,
are you gonna be all right with the old...
- What?
- It's quite pendulous.
And that steamer is quite high up.
I saw it once, I remember I accidentally walked in on you.
In the bathroom, it was like,
two snooker balls in a rugby sock.
- [Therapist] We don't want the penis in the hole.
- Oh, okay. I just went...
- [Therapist] Penis up.
- Popped it straight in.
- We don't want to heat that.
- Because it's so small, it just tucked in automatically.
- [Therapist] So we're gonna have you at 4,
which is lower heat.
- Okay.
- So we're gonna start you for 30 minutes.
- [Jack] Amazing.
- So I'll come back to check up on you guys.
- [Jack] Thank you so much. - Thank you.
(powerful orchestral music)
- [Michael] Right, I'm off.
- No, no, no, no. - No, I'm not gonna sit here.
- [Jack] It's very relaxing!
- I'm not gonna sit here with steam
going up my ass for half an hour.
I'm really not.
- Okay well do it for 10 minutes.
Just give it five minutes, see how you feel,
if you don't like it you can get off it.
Relax.
(peaceful music)
- Just let the steam gently flow into your anus.
And permeate through the perineum.
Cleansing your body of toxins
and badness.
Mmm.
That sweet, sweet steam just
flow into you.
(calming music)
- Increases your cardiovascular performance,
muscle tension,
fertility.
- Nothing wrong with any of those in my department.
I mean you're the one I worry about, on the fertility front.
- Why, I'm very fertile, I would've-
- I mean, look at you now.
You're the same age as your mother was
when she had three children.
I mean you're nowhere near getting to that position.
- I know but I will, I do want to have children.
I'll have children one day. I'm just-
- I've given up hope.
- Have you actually given up hope of me having a kid?
- Well you've got so many stages to reach first.
First of all you've got to meet somebody,
then you've got to have a relationship with them
and love them and then you've got to marry them.
Then you've got to have a child.
You know, that could be 20 years.
- I could find a surrogate.
Or adopt.
I could go to Africa and I could
find a nice kid like Madonna did.
- [Michael] Yeah.
- And then have him come live with me.
I think saying it out loud, you're right.
It is probably less weird when you're in a relationship.
I think as a single man adopting children is...
- I think you'd find it difficult
with the adoption people too.
If you were a single man who was out on tour and you'd just
got three children who'd arrived from Africa,
I don't think that would work somehow.
(laughs)
- So your treatment is coming to an end.
- Thank you very much, that was absolutely...
I feel so relaxed.
- Oh, you've turned yours off. Was it too hot for you?
- [Michael] Oh no, it seems to have gone off.
- So you've just been sat there without your-
- No, no, I didn't know. Obviously got a malfunction.
- There's no point in doing this if you're not gonna do...
Actually not gonna do any of it. If you're just gonna...
- Well I am. I'm sitting here with you, chatting.
- Okay.
Don't come crying to me when you get hemorrhoids.
Is my bum now white?
- No it's not, it's red.
Looks very red.
It looks like the national flag of Japan now.
(laughs)
- [Michael] It's awful.
(upbeat music)
- How's your butt feeling?
- Absolutely fine.
Why are you walking like that?
- Making the most of my steamed clean bottom.
- What do you mean making the most of it?
- Feels box fresh.
- You look absolutely mad.
- You'd be doing the same if you actually steamed yours.
- Are you feeling all right?