- Welcome to Set List Live at Nerdmelt, Los Angeles!
(upbeat rock music)
- I've done Set List three other times I think.
Three or four?
I would say the best thing is not call attention
to the fact that you're improvising.
Act like this is your act.
So treat it like a set,
and you don't have to worry about the material.
You just have to keep talking.
I personally love it, better than stand-up.
- Ladies and gentleman,
let's welcome the never before seen set list
of Jen Kirkman!
(cheers and applause)
- Thank you, Paul.
Thank you guys for having me.
Oh, so the other day, this...
The weirdest thing happened.
I was writing at this coffee shop.
You know, when I meet someone,
I tend to fall in love within the first, like two minutes.
And so, I usually just write poems for them.
'Cause I'll meet someone and I'll feel like
I know I'm in love with them, so then we'll go out
and I'm like talking through dinner,
like, hey, you know, so like, our kids will look like this,
and just stuff like that.
Bam, I drop the poem.
Now here's the thing, I text the poems.
And sometimes they're long and they don't rhyme,
so it is weird, because it just keeps scrolling through,
you know?
And for me, I get an inspiration
at like two, three in the morning,
like that's when I write,
'cause there's no right time to write.
I love doing stand-up, but I just actually
would like to talk about my poetry right now.
Like, there is no right time to write.
I get inspired when I'm inspired.
So if I send you a text with one of my poems,
it means in that moment, I am inspired.
So if you are the type of guy,
and this is what you need to know when you're dating me,
is don't keep your phone on.
Turn the ringer off at night,
or it's just gonna be boop, boop, boop,
as my text poems are coming in.
So, my therapist says I need to compromise more,
so I go on this date with this guy and he's like,
you really can't text me any more poems.
It's fucking weirding me out.
So I was like, oh, I get it.
I should write them on paper, like old-fashioned girls do.
So, I was at this coffee shop
and I was just drinking so much coffee
because I was just trying to...
I don't know, I was just trying to feel more, you know?
Like I felt like I wasn't feeling enough.
So I was drinking more coffee to get all hyper.
I actually called him and I'm like,
I don't want to go out tonight.
I would rather just, if I could come by
and read these to you, you know,
instead of like a normal date,
where you have drinks and sex and whatever.
I just wanted to do more of like a salon.
Like a one-on-one salon.
And so I'm sitting there, and I get...
Like my heart starts racing, and I'm like,
well I have good health insurance,
so I call an ambulance.
And I get in it, and I'm so...
Like obviously, it's just...
Like I'm so stupid.
It's like fear..
Not fear of failure, fear of success.
Fear of writing a good poem.
Fear of falling in love and having it work!
And I just said to the ambulance driver,
you know, we're talking, bla bla, how are you doing?
And I just realized, I feel fine.
And I was like, if you could just drop me off on the corner,
it's just fear of love, I'm gonna get out.
And I fucking forgot to bring the poems with me,
and they drove off in an ambulance.
I have been calling 9-1-1 over and over like,
hey, quick question.
Oh.
(cheers and applause)
Okay, so...
I feel like meth would be a bad drug for me,
because I do have...
I like to display things,
and I feel like with meth, I think it's a powder?
I feel like it would get too blown away.
Like I can't put it in a nice dish or something,
just be like, here's meth, the way you could
with Klonopin or something like that,
and then have it in your little...
So I just feel like it's not something
that I can have on display.
Like I love having wine at home, you know,
just bottles and bottles at my bar,
but meth is just so ugly to look at.
You know, it's always a bag of something,
I think it might even be gray.
Is it gray?
Is it white?
I don't know if it's gray or white.
I know heroin is a darker color,
only 'cause this guy I went to high school with, Jay,
said, I'm doing heroin now.
But now I think about it, I don't think he was,
'cause you don't yell out, I'm doing heroin now
and then leave your backpack open
so everyone can see this gray powder in a plastic baggy.
I feel like he probably just put gray powder
in something and was like, the girls will think I'm cool.
Which, by the way, we all did.
He instantly was everybody's crush after he did that.
We're like, that guy's cool!
He fucking hates his life and sticks needles in his arms.
What are you fucking losers doing?
Playing basketball?
Ooh.
(laughing and applause)
I do feel like, in life,
if you fight dirty but then can't take it back,
you should be able to be like, crybaby immunity!
Like that's just something you should be able to...
If someone's like, I care about you,
and I'm like, how could you fucking care about me
you fucking psycho?
What's wrong with you?
And they're like, God, just don't react that way.
I care about you.
And I'm like, oh sorry, crybaby immunity.
Like just that kind of thing where I'm like,
I don't want to talk about how what I just did affected you.
I just want to do what I do,
and then I pull the card out,
and then we're fine, right?
We're eventually gonna be fine.
Let's just be fine now.
(laughing and applause)
That's a shorter bet.
Here's the thing.
Okay.
Nobody wants to plan their funeral,
because you're afraid, well what if I plan my funeral?
Will I die tonight?
Like is it some weird omen I'm getting?
You know, I feel like every night
when I think about what I want my funeral to look like,
I'm like, oh, I can't plan it though,
because then I'll drop dead.
So my thing that I want to do is,
I want to say this out loud to everybody.
It's not a joke, it's just something I really wanted
to talk about tonight, is I have a vision for my funeral.
And honestly, if I could do this for a living,
I'd be like, I'm a funeral home visionary.
You can come to me and tell me what your funeral should be,
and I'm not gonna write it down
or freak you out or put it in a will.
I'll just remember it.
And then when you die, I show up at your parents' house
and I'm like, they wanted to play the soundtrack
to Superman, that's what they said.
And they want a birthday cake to celebrate
their first day in the next life.
That's what they want.
Don't blame me, I'm just the funeral home visionary.
Thank you guys, have a great night!
(upbeat guitar music)
I think it went well.
I feel like they were laughing.
It's kinda weird, 'cause I don't really care
if they laugh or not, because I know this isn't my act.
And I can say whatever, so if they're not laughing,
I'm like yeah, well I just thought of it,
so screw you.
I'm never scared, but I'm mentally ill, so that's why.
I like to stand up and take risks.
If it's funny, bonus.
If it's not, then whatever, I tried.
'Cause I'm a crazy comedian.
(upbeat electronic music)
(metallic sounds)