Tom Brady.
Seven-time Super Bowl Champion and the guy who
taught Gronk how to read.
Six weeks ago, Brady retired from professional football--
which was a huge deal, because Because Brady is arguably
the greatest quarterback of all time, okay?
He's played for 22 seasons and he's been going to Super Bowls
so long his first halftime show was a bunch of
Gregorian monks chanting. So, yeah.
It was big news when Tom Brady retired.
But you know what's even bigger news than retiring? Uretiring.
Let's move to a headline that everybody's talking about
this morning. A surprise twist in the retirement of Tom Brady.
Yeah, turns out, uh, it wasn't much of a retirement after all.
-(laughter) -The NFL great announcing he is going to be
back with his Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the 2022 season,
citing, "unfinished business."
NEWSWOMAN: In his announcement on social media, he says this,
Yes! Tom Brady is back in the NFL!
Oh, I love this so much! I love it so much!
Because he is the most loved and the most hated athlete
in the game. I love this guy! He's the main character!
What's the NFL without Tom Brady? Huh?
Him leaving the NFL is like when Charlie Sheen
left Two and a Half Men. Yeah, there were still
two-and-a-half men, but which men?
Not men we cared about. Where's the cocaine?!
Step it up, little kid.
And I get why Brady's back.
First of all, you have seen the price of gas right now?
This is not the time to quit your job.
Also, some people are just not made for the retired life,
especially Tom Brady. Think about it.
For 22 years,
he's had men the size of little trucks
trying to tackle him.
That's adrenaline.
Yeah. Can you imagine how boring his homelife is right now?
Even hiring his own commentators probably didn't help.
"Oh, Tom Brady searching under the sink
"for the soap refill. Can he find it?
"He's got it! Tom Brady's got the soap!
He needs to go back to football."
So, of course Tom Brady wasn't gonna retire, man.
He's the GOAT. His grip on the NFL is tighter
than whoever braided Drake's hair.
Yeah, you want to talk about a GOAT? That person's a GOAT.
How the hell did you turn Drake's short hair into braids?
That's witchcraft, that's how.
So, with this move, Tom Brady
has officially, officially, officially confirmed himself
as the greatest of all time.
Because, you see, this move right here
is what all the greatest do.
They retire, and then they come right back.
Yeah. Michael Jordan did it.
Jay-Z did it.
And the greatest of all time, Jesus.
Yeah. That guy retired from life for three days
before he was like, "Nah, the game needs me."
You know what my favorite part of this story actually is?
Is the night before Brady unretired,
there was an auction for the football that Brady used
to throw his final touchdown pass,
and someone paid more than half a million dollars
for that ball.
(chuckles): Yeah. I mean...
If you... If you ask me, I mean,
this actually just makes the football cooler.
You know? 'Cause if I was at somebody's house
and they were like, "Yo, you want to see the football
from Tom Brady's last touchdown throw?"
I'd be like, "Yeah, maybe. Not really."
But if they were like, "Hey, you want to see
one of the worst purchases ever?"
I'd be like, "Hell, yeah!"
(laughing): "Wait, you're that dumbass?
"You paid... You thought it was his last throw?
You idiot! You dumbass."
Oh, man. Oh, Kosta, what do you think about this story, man?
(sighs)
Look, I-I mean, it seems to me like Tom Brady's acting
like someone who's has been hit in the head
every day for the past 30 years, you know what I mean?
I mean, I feel bad for his kids.
You know? They finally get Dad back in the house,
and after a month, he's like, "I'll do anything.
You know, I'll do anything to get back to work."
I think what he realized, Trevor,
is when you retire, you see and hear
how much people really love and admire you.
-Yeah. -And maybe that was something
that-that compelled him to return.
And, you know, the...
You don't realize how much you're missed until you're gone.
-That's true. That's interesting. -Yeah.
And I think I'm gonna... I'm gonna steal a chapter
from Tom Brady's book,
and I want to announce to you tonight
and to... and to the crew here
that I'm retiring from The Daily Show, okay?
And, uh, now, like Tom Brady, I'll be paying attention
to what you are saying about me once I'm gone,
but I am retiring, okay?
This is my last performance on The Daily Show.
And, uh, thank you,
and feel free to share with others
how you feel about me.
And, uh, you know, thanks a lot.
So, thank you, everybody.
Thank you, guys. Thanks.
Thanks, Trevor. I'm retiring, so this is it.
I'm gone now. I'm retiring from the show.
Not listening, but I am paying attention
to what you're saying.
All right, let's move on
from the greatest quarterback of all time
to the greatest disease of all time, COVID-19.
The virus that goes away then comes back
more times than an evil twin on a soap opera.
More than two years into the pandemic,
several countries in Asia and Europe
are now facing record infection rates.
And things have gotten especially bad in China,
where the government has just imposed lockdowns
on 51 million people.
And for those watching from the United States,
this is a real lockdown, right,
where you can't leave your house,
not an American lockdown where everything is open
but there are stickers on the floor that everyone ignores.
And in most countries, in most countries,
including the U.S., things are going in the other direction.
In fact, restrictions are being lifted so quickly
that things are getting a little confusing, you know?
Like, for example, okay, right here in New York City,
Mayor Eric Adams has lifted the rule
that you have to be vaccinated to attend indoor events.
Okay? That's gone.
But there is still a rule that you have to be vaccinated
to go to your workplace.
So if someone's job is at an indoor event,
they can't go to work. But they can show up to work
to watch their colleagues do their thing. Yeah.
Which is exactly what happened this weekend.
A big matchup at Barclays Center
with the Nets taking on the Knicks,
but Kyrie Irving, who's ineligible to play in the city
for failing to comply with the vaccine mandate
for city workers-- he might have stolen the show.
He attended the game as a fan
and watched his Nets win from the sidelines.
He paid for a ticket just like a regular person.
Yeah, guys, I-I don't care...
like, how COVID compliant you are,
shit like this makes zero sense.
Can we agree on that? Can we agree--
What, so Kyrie can go inside, not wear a mask,
even hug a teammate, but he cannot play!
I don't get it. Why?
Does the ball have a weak immune system? What's going on?
I mean, it's crazy, just think about it, just think about it.
Kyrie can't play, but he can sit in the stands, right?
Like a fan. And then, as a fan, what happens if he gets picked
to take the half-court shot to win the car?
Can he do that? What are those rules? How does it work?
And you know the funny thing about Kyrie being in the stands
is that this is the one time a fan is screaming at the team
that he could play better than them and he actually could.
They probably looked over like,
"Who's saying that sh-- Oh, yeah, yeah, my bad."
I actually wonder if Kyrie's the only person
that this has happened to. Like, are there other people
who can't work because of vaccine mandates but then
they still show up to the office to cheer on their coworkers?
You're killing it, Steve! You're killing it.
Send that report, baby! You got this. You got--
Oh, shit. Did you just click "reply all"?
Oh, man, you're so screwed.
Boo! Take him off. Take him off!
All right, let's move on to some entertainment news.
Awards season is now in full swing,
and every event brings so much to look forward to.
Who's gonna take home the big prize?
Who's gonna win the red carpet?
Will this finally be the year
they use in EDM song for the in memorium?
♪ All these people died, died, died, died, died ♪
♪ Di-di-die, died-died-died, d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d, died ♪
♪ They're all dead. ♪ (imitates fast beat)
Now I see why they don't do that.
Now, of course,
there's always the question
of who's gonna give the most viral speech at an awards show.
And today that award goes to the director Jane Campion.
NEWSMAN: The Critics Choice Awards last night,
the Netflix film The Power of the Dog
getting plenty of momentum heading into the Oscars,
walking away with the award for Best Film.
Director Jane Campion taking home the Best Director award.
While onstage, she made this comment
about Serena and Venus Williams that has people talking.
Give my love out to my fellow-fellow-fellow--
the guys. (laughs)
(laughter)
The nominees. And-and, you know, Serena and Venus,
you are such marvels.
However, you do not play against the guys.
(chuckles)
Like I have to.
(laughter)
-(man cheers loudly) -(cheering)
Okay.
Okay. I know, I know,
I know a lot of people are angry about this.
I know.
But, honestly,
I can see...
I can see both sides.
I can see both sides. First of all,
first of all,
Campion was obviously trying to make a point
about how hard it is for female directors
to break through in Hollywood,
which is true.
Right? I mean, in her defense,
name a female director.
Huh? See? You see? Nothing.
Yeah, you were like, "Uh, Steven Spielberg?
Uh, please don't cancel me, Trevor!"
Too late!
And that's what Jane Campion means.
It's a big deal when a woman breaks through
in a category that's always dominated by men.
Yeah. And if you-- if you watch the clip,
you can see Serena Williams loved that moment.
She was clapping hard.
But Venus, Venus, well,
she looked like someone just told her
how well-spoken her backhand is.
Now, on the other hand, on the other hand,
I get why a lot of people found this cringey.
I totally understand it.
Because it felt like a white woman on top of her game
was telling two Black women on top of their game
that her game is harder than theirs.
Which can sound rude anytime
but especially in an awards speech,
where, traditionally, the only person you're supposed to offend
is your spouse when you forget to thank them.
And, also, if I was Campion,
I wouldn't want to be challenging the Williams sisters
to anything.
'Cause they are competitors.
Yeah, knowing them, they're gonna start learning
to direct movies and then go on to win next year's Oscars
in straight sets.
And because of the backlash, because of the backlash,
Jane Campion apologized today, because, obviously,
she felt bad. Right?
She wasn't trying to hurt anybody.
If I'm honest, I don't think she meant anything nefarious.
She was trying to tell a joke. It landed weird.
You know, you almost wish
that someone could have intercepted her
right before she said that line. You know?
Where's Kanye when you actually need him?
Actually, don't answer that. Don't answer that.