With more than 100,000 flights per day all over the world, the airline industry has to
know what it's doing… right?
Sure, it's statistically the safest way to travel.
But there's so much is going on behind closed curtains, it's not surprising we just don't
know the secret ins and outs of the industry.
So, what don't they want us to know?
"Today we're gonna about the plane."
"What kind of plane?"
"The airplane, you dingus."
Overbooking blues
Airlines regularly and intentionally overbook flights to maximize their bottom line, and,
theoretically, to keep ticket prices down.
They don't make any money if a plane takes off at less than 75% capacity, which is called
the plane's "load factor."
If you're not packed like sardines, they're not making a profit.
They're actually hoping people who book flights won't make it to the airport in time, get
caught up in security, or start having too much fun at the bar, because there's a very
good chance your seat was also sold to someone else.
Airlines use their own statistical information to know just how badly to overbook, tracking
no-show rates for similar flights to build a forecast.
Most of the time, this works out fairly well, and few people ever need to get bumped.
Should bumping occur, they'll ask for volunteers, but they're required to compensate travelers
when this happens — up to four times the value of the ticket.
Even at that cost, airlines still make a profit.
If that doesn't work, airlines have been known to take more, uh, extreme measures.
The sad fact we've all come to learn is that, if you fly, you legally accept a company's
terms and conditions, meaning you may involuntarily have to forfeit your seat.
Whether or not the airline can open your head with a wicked suplex simply for refusing is
another story entirely, of course.
The most notable case of "extreme denied boarding" is just an example of how little power customers
have in an industry dominated by only a handful of corporations.
Passengers have virtually no legal foothold against these companies, with most cases never
even reaching a judge, and the ones that do are all but impossible to appeal.
From the airline companies' point of view, you'd better just sit down and shut up.
Unless, of course, they want to you shut up, get up, and leave.
Leave you breathless
We've all heard it before: in case of an emergency and the cabin is depressurized, oxygen masks
will fall from the ceiling.
"Breathe normally and note that oxygen is flowing so don't worry if the bag doesn't
inflate."
Those handy masks are attached to oxygen tanks, so we'll be good to go with some sweet, breathable
air in case our worst nightmares come true.
Only, that isn't entirely accurate.
First, if you thought you had a nigh-unlimited supply of oxygen pumping into your mask, that's
just not true.
The masks are attached to tanks with a 15 minute supply, but it gets a little weirder.
The gas you're breathing doesn't start out as oxygen.
You would think that the easiest means of storing oxygen on a plane would be... to just
store oxygen on the plane.
But that's not what's going on, mostly because oxygen tanks are highly explosive.
There's a chemical cocktail contained within the tanks which usually includes barium peroxide,
which functions pretty much the same way as it does when it's used in fireworks.
The chemical mixture heats up, oxygen atoms split off, and they get sent down the tube
and into your lungs, saving your life.
For about fifteen minutes.
After that...you're on your own.
Screwloose
Have you ever noticed that some screws were missing from the wing of your chosen airplane,
moments before takeoff?
If you answered yes, don't worry.
You aren't the only one.
Some planes have flown for five days with up to 30 screws missing from a wing before
a maintenance crew noticed the problem and fixed it.
And that's not as uncommon as you'd hope.
When an airplane undergoes heavy maintenance, much of it is taken apart, and that includes
the two million or so fasteners and screws.
Some of these get misplaced or missed by inattentive humans.
Generally, there's enough keeping the plane together to keep it in the air, even with
a few loose screws.
Shut the door
Ever boarded a plane and thought that the doors were shut way too early?
And why won't they let you off the plane once you're on board?
Thanks to the FAA, the cabin crew can keep you on board for three hours awaiting takeoff.
But the real reason they shut the doors prematurely is because they aren't paid until that happens.
A flight attendant is only paid during the duration of a flight, which technically runs
from the moment the plane's door closes to when it opens, and no longer.
You would think flight attendants earned a salary, or at least were paid for all of the
hours they worked, but nope.
So the next time you're on a plane and they're hurrying you to your seat, help 'em out and
try to get on board as efficiently as possible.
Don't be feulish
You know how you fill up your car's gas tank before going on a long trip?
Yeah, airplanes don't do that.
According to FAA rules, planes are required to take off with only 45 minutes of extra
fuel, indicating that they don't necessarily top off the tank prior to every flight.
These fuel rules focus on a plane's ability to land at a nearby location in an emergency,
whether it's an airport or a highway, but sometimes, that's just not enough.
If someone isn't paying attention, a plane could need to be diverted much further than
the required 45 minutes allows, leaving barely any fumes for the plane to limp its way to
where it wants to land.
The 2016 crash in Colombia that killed the majority of a Brazilian soccer team happened
because the plane ran out of fuel.
The aircraft was only eight miles from landing, but was unable to make the distance or glide
into a safe landing area, killing 71 people.
Pillow talk
Tightly packing people into small spaces has never been a great idea in terms of disease
prevention.
But when you take refuge from your neighbor's uncontrolled coughing under the blanket the
airline provided, you've probably just made it worse.
Most airlines don't clean the blankets and pillows after each use.
Sure, attendants hand them to you in a nicely folded and plastic-sealed pack, but in many
cases, airlines wash their blankets only every five days.
You're sharing a sweaty, personal disease tent with three or four other strangers and
you don't even know it.
And the pillow?
Let's not even talk about the pillow.
"I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke.
He farted on Jonah's thinking it was mine, and then eventually pink eyed my pillow."
That's basically a true story that happens on every airplane.
Asleep at the wheel
Autopilot may sound like science fiction, but it's actually a real system that's on-board
all commercial aircraft.
And it does exactly what you'd think: it flies the plane, and it gets used all the time.
Pilots input their destination and once the aircraft is up to its operating altitude,
autopilot takes care of the long haul.
It's also handy when there are too many motherf------ snakes on your motherf------ plane.
"Ah Rick, can you please engage the autopilot?"
As a result, most pilots only fly the plane manually for an average of seven minutes.
Because of this system and the long hours with shift work, about 20 percent of pilots
say they've napped on the job, even though it violates regulations.
According to one source, pilots let each other to nap to remain sharp, taking turns keeping
their eyes forward.
Occasionally, both the pilot and the copilot might nod off.
But thanks to auto pilot, this rarely results in tragedy and passengers are none the wiser.
But still, it's not very comforting to know that you're hurtling through the air in a
flimsy metal box with no one keeping watch.
"Alright now everybody get in crash positions!"
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