-President Trump wanted to dig a trench on the Southern border
and fill it with alligators and snakes,
and then, he lost his mind
in a series of press conferences about impeachment.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
I don't think it would surprise you if I said
that some very weird stuff has been going on
the past few weeks.
I mean, weird stuff's
been going on for four years,
ever since a famously stupid game show host
came down the escalator and forced his way
into our hearts like a stubborn piece of bacon fat.
But the last two weeks in particular have felt like
that scene from "Ghostbusters" where the EPA guy opens up
the containment system and ghosts just start
pouring out into the city.
In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw the zombie cab driver
on TV defending the president the other day.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Even putting aside...
even putting aside all the recent revelations
about Trump colluding with foreign governments,
we keep learning new details about just how corrupt,
lawless, and out of his mind he is.
For example, a new book reports that Trump wanted to inflict
horrific violence on desperate migrants seeking asylum,
offered pardons to officials
who broke the law to build his border wall,
and had some truly insane ideas for how to fortify that wall.
-"The New York Times" is reporting new details
about ideas President Trump has for the Southern border.
Privately, the president had often talked about
fortifying a border wall with a water-filled trench
stocked with snakes or alligators,
prompting aides to seek a cost estimate.
-That's right. The president of the United States
wanted to dig a water-filled trench
and stock it with snakes and alligators,
you know, like some sort of inbred medieval king.
At night, he probably drinks milkshakes from a goblet
while Eric and Don Jr. joust with golf clubs.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, seriously, think about how insane this is.
His aides actually had to go out
and get a cost estimate for this plan.
How do you even do that?
Walk over to the reptile section at PetSmart
with a map of the border and be like,
"I don't know, uh..."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Snake's like a foot long.
The border's 2,000 miles.
Can I get a billion snakes?
[ Laughter ]
No, I don't want you to worry
that this snake-filled moat thing is occupying
too much of the president's time
because he has moved on to other topics.
For example, President Caligula over here is also arguing
that impeaching him would cause a civil war,
accusing Democrats of treason,
claiming the Ukraine whistle-blower spied on him,
and calling impeachment,
which is a procedure laid out
by the framers in the Constitution, a coup.
-President Trump ramping up his attacks
on the impeachment inquiry engulfing his presidency.
Tweeting overnight, "As I learn more and more each day,
I am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place
is not an impeachment. It is a coup."
-All right, first of all, the way you know
that tweet is wrong is because it starts with
"As I learn more each day."
[ Laughter ]
Trump forgets stuff every day.
Today, he forgot there was an "A" in "moat."
Second, it's not a coup.
It's a process laid out in the Constitution
by the founding fathers.
It's not like if you were removed from office,
Democrats would take over
and the military would storm Trump tower
and rename it the Hillary Hilton or something.
I mean, the worst thing that would happen
would be that Mike pence would become president.
And I assure you, Democrats do not want
a president Mike Pence either.
For one thing,
taxpayers would have to spend millions every year
replacing his batteries.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I know you're all worried about one thing.
It's the big question hanging over all of this.
And that is how is the president handling all this emotionally?
What's his state of mind? How's he holding up?
And the good news is that judging from
this very sane news conference
he gave in the oval office this afternoon
with the president of Finland sitting next to him,
I'd say Trump seems to be handling it all pretty well.
-Adam Schiff, he's a lowlife. He should be forced to resign.
The call was perfect.
In fact, Lindsey Graham said,
"I didn't know you could be so nice."
There's needles and drugs all over the street.
He says, "Hey, hey, tell Vlad I'll talk to him
after the election's over. I'll talk to him."
She went crazy.
She said "We can't impeach him of this conversation.
That's a great conversation."
President Trump started screaming, ranting, and raving.
Alligators and snakes.
Skin-piercing spikes.
I said, "Why are you asking that stupid question?"
Everything "The Washington Post" does is fake.
It's a fake newspaper.
I don't even use fake anymore.
I call the fake news now corrupt news.
What happened in 2016 is a disgrace to this country.
-Well, that I agree with.
I mean, some crazy guy...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some crazy guy lost the popular vote
and fell ass-backwards into the presidency,
and now the news has to run chirons with the words,
and this is real, "Trump denies wanting snakes, gators,
spikes on border." [ Laughter ]
I cannot express to you enough just how deeply off the rails
Trump's performance was today. I mean, just look at this.
This is an actual photo taken
of the president of the United States
during an official oval office meeting this afternoon.
Look at that. He looks like a rabid groundhog
who just popped out of his hole
and predicted six more weeks of word vomit.
[ Laughter ]
It looks like a Python jutting out of the Amazon River.
They should put him in a moat on the Southern border.
[ Laughter ]
It's not safe to cross!
It's not safe to cross.
So let's try taking these one at a time.
Trump slammed intelligence committee chairman Adam Schiff.
Trump has already called for Schiff to be arrested
for treason, and today, he attacked Schiff
for criticizing Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
who was on the Ukraine call himself
and is now threatening to obstruct
the impeachment inquiry.
-This guy was negative on Mike Pompeo.
He can't -- you know, there's an expression.
He couldn't carry his blank strap.
I won't say it because they'll say it was so terrible to say.
But that guy couldn't carry his blank strap.
-Of all the insane stuff you've said,
why would you think the word jockstrap
would suddenly be over the line?
This morning, you called the impeachment inquiry
bull[bleep] on Twitter.
But jockstrap is beyond the pale?
Or maybe -- maybe -- it's probably possible,
he just couldn't remember and he kept saying blank
like he was a contestant on "Password."
-The password is...jock.
-That guy couldn't carry his blank strap.
[ Laughter ]
-Then, after that performance
in the oval office,
Trump moved locations from one room to another
where he held a press conference with the president of Finland.
And at one point, Trump was asked about his repeated use
of the word "treason" to describe the whistle-blower
and Democrats who were investigating him.
-Do you consider anyone who opposes you treasonous?
-No, no. I consider when they lie.
When they stand before our great body
in our great chamber and they make up a story
that's fiction like Schiff did.
He took that perfect conversation I had
with the Ukrainian President, and he made it into a total lie.
Believe it or not, I watch my words very carefully.
-I don't believe it. I don't believe it at all.
You ramble like a guy who just got handed a speedball
in the bathroom at studio 54.
[ As Trump ] [ Inhales sharply ] Whoo! Come on, baby!
Let's collude with a foreign adversary
and then dance our asses off till sunrise, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[ Laughter ]
In fact, throughout today,
Trump used the word "treason" multiple times.
And at one point, he even said it
as if he was quoting someone else,
a rhetorical tactic he used not once, but twice.
-Some people even say it was treason.
There are those that think I'm a very stable genius.
-Those people are you.
You're quoting yourself.
I'd say he's quoting the voices in his head,
but I'm pretty sure the only things in his head are...
-Alligators and snakes. [ Laughter ]
-Also, who would you be quoting?
No one else has ever said the words "stable genius" before.
It's like "beautiful wall." You're the only one who says it.
And then, when a reporter tried to ask Trump
a very simple question -- what was he trying to accomplish
on the call with the Ukrainian president
if he wasn't digging up dirt on Joe Biden,
Trump got very testy.
-Ask a question please. -Thank you, sir.
-What about Mr. Biden?
-What does he want about Biden?
What did you want him to look into on Biden?
-Look, Biden and his son are stone-cold crooked.
And you know it.
His son walks out with millions of dollars.
The kid knows nothing.
You know it, and so do we. Go ahead, ask a question.
-The question, sir, was what did you want President Zelensky
to do about Vice President Biden and his son Hunter?
-Are you talking to me? -Yeah.
It was just a follow-up of what I just asked you, sir.
-Listen, listen. Are you ready?
We have the president of Finland.
Ask him a question. -I have one for him.
I just wanted to follow up on the one that I asked you.
-Did you hear me? -What did you want?
-Did you hear me? -Yes.
-Ask him a question. -I will. But --
-I've given you a long answer. Ask this gentleman a question.
Don't be rude.
-Don't drag him into this! [ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] You should talk to the president of Finland.
He told me he wants to tell you how innocent I am.
In fact, he was on the call too. It was all his idea."
[ Normal voice ] He sounds like a dad scolding his children
to say hello to a houseguest.
[ As Trump ] Don't be rude. Say hello to Uncle Rudy.
And this time, don't kick him in the balls.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] All of this of course just adds to the portrait
we already have of a lawless, delusional president
who thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequences.
Over the last two weeks, for example,
we found out that Trump orchestrated a vast scheme
in which he subverted American foreign policy
almost entirely to serve his own personal political goals.
He dangled a quid pro quo to get the president of Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden.
He told the Russians in the oval office
he didn't care that they interfered in the 2016 election.
And he asked the Prime Minister of Australia to help him prove
his insane conspiracy theories
about the origins of the Russia investigation.
At this point, Trump is just cold-calling countries
asking them if they want to collude.
[ As Trump ] Hello, Ecuador?
Do you have any dirt on Joe Biden?
[ Laughter ]
No, you [muttering]
Do you have Bolivia's number?
[ Laughter ]
Now, if you're wondering why Trump was asking
the Prime Minister of Australia of all countries
to help him dig up dirt on the Mueller probe,
the short version is Australia found out Russia
was trying to interfere in U.S. elections
and they tried to do the right thing
by reporting it to the FBI.
And as we know, doing the right thing is not Trump's style.
-"The New York Times" reports that Trump
pushed the Australian Prime Minister
during another recent phone call to help his Attorney General,
Bill Barr, gather information on the origins
of the Mueller investigation into him.
Trump was, in effect,
asking the Australian government to investigate itself.
FBI counterintelligence investigators began examining
any Trump ties to Russia's 2016 election interference
after Australian officials told the bureau
that Russian intermediaries
had made overtures to Trump advisers
about releasing politically damaging information
about Hillary Clinton.
-That's right. Trump asked the Australian Prime Minister
to investigate his own government
for correctly reporting Russian election meddling to the FBI.
Or at least, whoever he thought was the prime minister.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] Mr. Dundee, thank you for meeting with me.
Can I call you Crocodile?
On that point, do you know any other crocodiles
who'd be willing to work on the Southern border?
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have a beautiful moot.
Beautiful moot for them to swim in.
[ Normal voice ] Now apparently, Trump's overtures
to all these countries are part of an elaborate plot
fueled by wild conspiracy theories to do two things --
manufacture a false smear against Joe Biden
and somehow prove that the Russia investigation
was a deep state hoax created by the Democrats.
And he used the levers of government
and U.S. diplomacy to do it.
For example, he involved
the Attorney General William Barr
by repeatedly invoking his name on the call
with the president of Ukraine.
And then last week, he mysteriously sent Barr
on a trip to Italy amid the Ukraine firestorm
with no explanation.
ABC reported that Attorney General Barr
has been on official travel in Italy for the past few days.
It's unclear why the trip was only just revealed.
Sorry, but since when do government officials
just get to go off to Italy for secret unannounced trips
without telling anyone?
Normal people don't get to do that.
You never walked into your job at Chipotle and been like,
"Where's Brad?"
"Oh, he decided to go to Venice last night."
"Don't worry, it's a business trip.
He's wrapping burritos on a gondola."
[ Laughter ]
And then, yesterday, we found out
what that trip was all about.
Trump also asked Italy to help him dig up dirt
on the Mueller investigation,
and he sent Barr to Italy as part of that mission.
-Attorney General William Barr traveled overseas to personally
investigate the origins of the Russia investigation
into the 2016 Trump campaign.
NBC News confirms Barr met with
senior Italian intelligence officials last week in Italy,
and the president followed through on a request from Barr
to call Australia's Prime Minister on his behalf.
The investigation into the origins of the Russia probe
follows repeated and unproven claims
by the Trump administration that President Trump
was the target of a witch hunt.
-Trump sent his Attorney General to Italy to try to prove
his insane conspiracy theory that the Russia investigation
was a deep state witch hunt concocted by the Democrats.
Trump watches so much TV now he's just getting his ideas
from "The Da Vinci Code."
[ As Trump ] Go to the Vatican, sneak into the basilica,
and open the tomb of Rudy Giuliani.
[ Laughter ]
And then shake him awake.
Urgh!
[ Normal voice ] What's happening is simple --
An unhinged President disconnected from reality
is using his power to pursue insane conspiracy theories
and dig up dirt on his opponents,
and he and his aides are obstructing
an official impeachment inquiry.
Proving once again that his administration is full of...
-Alligators and snakes.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪