( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, FOLKS, THIS IS A
TREAT FOR YOU.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS A TREAT FOR ME.
YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM "FRIENDS," "OFFICE SPACE,"
"HORRIBLE BOSSES" AND "CAKE."
HER NEW SERIES IS "THE MORNING SHOW."
>> IT'S JUST AN EVENT.
>> REALLY JUST AN EVENT ONLY WITH THE WORST TIMING EVER.
I'D RATHER STICK DAGGERS INTO MY EYEBALLS.
>> ALEX.
>> WHAT!
>> HOW ABOUT YOU PRETEND TO HAVE FOOD POISONING AND JUST DON'T
GO?
>> I CANNOT DO THAT!
EVERYONE IN THERE WILL KNOW THAT I'M LYING, KNOW THAT I'M
UNCOMFORTABLE AND AFRAID, THAT I'M AFRAID OF WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN TO ME ON THE SHOW IN THE WAKE OF MITCH.
EVERYONE IN THERE IS PRESS.
THEY THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.
HALF OF THEM HATE ME BECAUSE I'M TOO SUCCESSFUL, AND THE OTHER
HALF HATE ME, I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE THEIR HEARTS ARE AT HOME
( BLEEP ) AND THEY'RE DARK!
OH, GOD!
OH, I CAN'T CRY!
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME, JENNIFER ANISTON!
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS )
>> HI!
>> Stephen: SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU!
OH, I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
HI!
>> Stephen: I'M SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
AS I WAS TELLING YOU BACKSTAGE, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVEN'T MET
BEFORE.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, EITHER.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TAKEN SO LONG FOR YOUR
FIRST APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW.
>> WHAT KEPT US APART FOR SO LONG.
>> Stephen: YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
WE HAVE A AGREEMENT MUTUAL FRIEND, DAVE SWIMMER.
WE WENT TO COLLEGE AND YOU WORKED WITH HIM FOR A FEW YEARS.
>> A COUPLE.
I VAGUELY REMEMBER THAT.
HE'S A GREAT GUY.
BUT I ACTUALLY WAS ON THE SHOW ONCE, BUT I GOT BUMPED, AND --
>> Stephen: I WOULD REMEMBER BUMPING JENNIFER ANISTON.
I PROMISE.
WE WANT TO THANK JENNIFER ANISTON FOR STOPPING BY.
>> WELL IT WASN'T-- I WASN'T ACTUALLY ON.
OUR OTHER MUTUAL FRIEND TIG NANOTARO WAS ON.
>> Stephen: I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> SHE TEXTED ME.
>> Stephen: SHE SAID SHE WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS.
AND SHE IS.
AND I SAID, DO YOU HAVE YOUR NUMBER ON YOUR PHONE?
AND SHEED IS D. SHEED IS D.
>> AND AND YOU SAID, "LET'S TEXT HER NOW."
AND I SAID, "DID I MAKE IT?" AND SHE SAID, "NO, THEY CUT IT."
I THINK WE HAVE A CLIP.
JIM.
>> SHE IS A FRIEND.
I HAVE TO SAY THAT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
SHE IS ABSOLUTELY A FRIEND.
A VERY GOOD FREN.
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ABOUT JEN?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SHE DOES A COMMERCIAL WHERE SHE HAS THE
LOTION, AND SHE DRINKS SMART WATER, AND THE DRY EYE WHERE'S
SHE DOES THE DROPS.
WHY DOES SHE LACK MOISTURE?
"WHY DO YOU LACK MOISTURE?"
"COLBERT HERE."
DID YOU GET THAT?
>> I SURE DID.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON?
>> I SURE DID NOT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN THAT CAME THROUGH?
>> I THOUGHT TIG WAS HAVING A MOMENT.
BY THE WAY, NOT MUCH OF THAT WAS SPELLED CORRECTLY, WHICH WAS--
IF I READ IT BACK-- HEY, YOU GOTTA-- YOU GOTTA GET GOOD WITH
THE THUMBS.
ANYWAY, IT WAS A PLEASURE-- IT WAS STILL A PLEASURE TO BE
THERE, KIND OF.
AT LEAST I GOT TO HAVE A TEXT FROM YOU.
THAT WAS EXCITING.
ONCE SHE SAID IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY WE CUT IT.
>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE JUST GOT IT BACK.
>> Stephen: MOST OF THIS WILL MAKE IT TO AIR TONIGHT, I THINK.
I'M FAIRLY SURE.
>> I'M PRETTY SURE.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A CARD OF YU OWN?
>> NO, BUT I DO LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAD THE
PREMIERE OF YOUR NEW SHOW, "THE MORNING SHOW."
>> YES, BIG PREMIERE.
>> Stephen: HERE IN NEW YORK.
WHERE DID YOU GUYS HOLD IT?
>> IT WAS AT LINCOLN CENTER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FANCY, IT WAS REALLY, IT WAS AMAZING--
RIGHT, IT WAS SO FANCY.
>> Stephen: THAT MUST HAVE FELT VERY SPECIAL.
>> IT WAS SO SPECIAL AND IT WAS ALSO PERSONALLY VERY SPECIAL TO
ME.
IT WAS IN THE DAVID GEFFEN HALL, WHICH USED TO BE AVERY FISHER
HAUL.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> AND I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL IN THAT EXACT ROOM WHERE
THE SHOW WAS AIRED.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>>
>> Stephen: WHAT HIGH SCHOOL.
>> PERFORMING ARTS.
PERMANENTING ARTS.
LA GUARDIA NOW.
PERFORMING ARTS.
YES!
( APPLAUSE )
SEE HOW-- IT'S WORTH THE SCREAM LIKE THAT.
WHERE ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE A FIGHT SONG, ISN'T IT "LA GUARDIA."
>> IT TERRIFIES YOU EVERY DAY WHEN PEOPLE YELL THAT.
>> Stephen: NOW-- >> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU LIVED IN NEW YORK WHEN YOU WERE FIRST AN
ACTRESS.
>> I LIVED FROM AGE SIX TO 20.
I CAN'T SAY I WORKED AS AN ACTRESS EXCEPT FOR
OFF-OFF-OFF-OFF BROADWAY.
AND I DID A BOB'S BIG BOY COMMERCIAL.
>> Stephen: YOU DID A BOB'S BIG BOY.
>> I DID.
THAT WAS MY FIRST JOB.
THAT'S WHEN I GOT MY SAG CARD.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR LINE?
>> I SAID, "THE SHRIMP IS READY!"
OR SOMETHING.
I WASN'T EVEN BOB'S BIG BOY PITCHES THE COMPETITION OF WAS
NOT TO GO AND GET FOR FAST FOOD.
>> Stephen: SURE PURP NOT AS GOOD AS A BOB'S BIG BOY.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: YOU WAITED TABLE?
WHERE DID YOU WAIT TABLES?
>> JACKSON HALL HAMBURGERS ON 82th AND COLUMBUS, WHICH,
SADLY, JUST CLOSED.
>> Stephen: DID YOU WORK THE SUNDAY BRUNCHES THERE?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE LIKE THE FALL OF SAIGON.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW UNBELIEVABLY CROWDED IT IS
THERE.
>> I KNOW.
THE LINES -- >> Stephen: WERE YOU A GOOD
WAITRESS?
>> NO, I WAS A TERRIBLE WAITRESS.
I WAS A HOSTESS, THEN THEY FINALLY ALLOWED ME TO BE A
WAITRESS.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE HOSTESSES MAKE NO MONEY.
>> NO, YOU JUST GET A LOT OF BUSINESS CARDS.
>> Stephen: NOT ALL HOSTESSES DO.
>> WELL, THAT'S MAYBE.
SO, YES, BUT I WAS-- I HAD SLIPPERY FINGERS AS A WAITRESS
WAS THE PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE STEALING FROM PEOPLE?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> YES, I STOLE FROM PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE DRONG TRAYS?
>> I WOULD-- YES.
THINGS WOULD SORT OF-- I TRIPPED.
I'M VERY KLUTZY.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU DO IT?
>> TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S A LONG TIME TO NOT BE A GOOD WAITRESS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF BROKEN PLATES.
>> I GOT BETTER EVENTUALLY.
>> Stephen: AND NOW YOU APPRECIATE GOOD SERVICE.
>> I SURE DO.
AND I ALWAYS TIP VERY, VERY WELL BECAUSE I PRIESHT IT.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: NOW, THE SHOW'S PLOT REVOLVES AROUND A BELOVED
MORNING SHOW HOST WHO GETS FIRED FOR SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU DREAM UP THIS FANTASY WORLD
THAT YOU'RE INHABITING?
>> YEAH.
IT WAS AN INSPIRED IDEA.
I JUST KIND OF WOKE UP WITH IT ONE DAY AND THOUGHT, "WHAT HAVE
WE NOT HEARD YET?" YEAH.
NO.
>> Stephen: WAS THIS ACTUALLY CREATED, LIKE, POSTME, TOO.
>> YES, THIS WAS A BOOK "TOP OF THE MORNING."
AND WE BASICALLY THE-- MICHAEL ELLEN BERG BOUGHT THE RIGHTS TO
THE BOOK, CAME TO REESE AND MYSELF, SAID WOULD WE COME AND
PRODUCE IT?
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU AND REESE WITHERSPOON ARE ALSO
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS.
>> WE'RE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS ON IT AS WELL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
LET'S GET IN AND DO THIS.
AND IT'S BEEN A BALL EVER SINCE.
THEN "ME, TOO" HAPPENED AND THE WORLD CHANGE GLD YES.
>> AS YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: FOR THE BETTER.
>> FOR THE BOSTON.
>> Stephen: YES, SO FAR.
( APPLAUSE )
LITTLE BIT OF A SILVER LINING.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO A RIDE-ALONG OR ANYTHING?
DID YOU VISIT ANY OF THE MORNING SHOWS?
>> WE DWE SHADOWED "G.M.A."
YES, 5:00 IN THE MORNING UNTIL 7:00 IN THE MORNING.
TWO-HOUR WINDOW.
>> Stephen: I WAS A GUEST ANCHOR OVER THERE FOR ONE DAY.
AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BREAK ME.
>> YES, I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY ACTUALLY DO IT AND HAVE SANITY.
>> Stephen: I HAVE GREAT RESPECT--
>> AS A LOT OF YOUR WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE AGREEMENT RESPECT.
>> I DO, TOO.
>> Stephen: FOR THEM BUT THE SPEED AT WHICH THEY HAVE TO DO
THAT SHOW IS INSANE.
NEW STUFF GOES TO THE PROMPTER, THEY'VE NEVER SEEN IT, THEY READ
IT, AND GO ON TO THE NEXT STORY.
THEY'RE DOING IT PHONETICALLY.
>> YOU WORRY ABOUT THEIR NERVOUS SYSTEM SOMETIMES.
AND THEN THEY'RE ON AIR AND IT'S AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
IT'S JUST, LIKE, SMOOTH AS SILK.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER WORKED A JOB WHERE YOU HAD TO
GET UP-- GO AHEAD AND TAKE IT.
GO AHEAD AND TAKE IT.
>> I JUST LIKE DOING THIS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN HAVE THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH'S, HE'S NEXT.
>> THAT'S A NAME.
>> Stephen: IT IS, ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW...
>> I JUST LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT SOUND GUYS LOVE?
THIS, THIS.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> Stephen: SOME GUYS JUST LOVE THIS.
>> OKAY, THEN I'LL DO IT.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.
YOU'RE JENNIFER ANISTON!
DAMN IT, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
>> IS THIS MINE?
>> Stephen: THAT'S YOURS.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JENNIFER ANISTON,
EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.