I'M ORIGINALLY FROM CHICAGO, ILLINIOS.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
IT DESERVES THAT RESPECT.
CHICAGO'S AN EXTREMELY ROUGH PLACE TO GROW UP IN.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE ONLY BROTHER ON THE BLOCK
THAT'S INTO BUMPIN' ALANIS MORISSETTE.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
SO YOU OUGHTA KNOW...
I MOVED TO OREGON.
AND I LOVED IT.
IT REMINDED ME OF CHICAGO.
WITH SUBTLE DIFFERENCES.
CHICAGO, IT WAS ALWAYS...
"OH, SNAP, IT'S A CRACKHEAD,"
OR, "OH, SNAP, IT'S A GANG MEMBER."
IN OREGON IT WAS ALWAYS,
"OH, SNAP, THE BLACKBERRIES ARE IN SEASON?
THIS IS A DELICIOUS SITUATION I'M IN."
I'M GLAD I MOVED TO OREGON. I GOT TO TRY SOME THINGS.
I NOW LOVE AND ENJOY, LIKE, ICED COFFEES.
[scattered cheers]
OR WHITE WOMEN. THOSE ARE BOTH GREAT.
[audience cheers]
[mic feedback] I'M JUST JOKING.
COFFEE IS GROSS.
EVERY TIME I DRINK ANY, I GET REALLY SICK.
WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE
I MUST BE ALLERGIC TO ENERGY.
WHICH I LATER FOUND OUT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN PUT
ON A MEDICAL MARIJUANA APPLICATION.
I HAVE A COUSIN THAT'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT RACISM.
HE CALLED ME ONE DAY 'CAUSE HE WAS QUITE UPSET
THAT HE WENT TO A TUBA RECITAL
WHERE HE WAS ONE OF ONLY THREE BLACK TUBA PLAYERS.
AND HE THOUGHT THAT WAS RACIST.
AND I WANTED TO AGREE,
BUT THEN I REALIZED
THREE BLACK TUBA PLAYERS...
IS A LOT OF FUCKIN' BLACK TUBA PLAYERS.
AND IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE SAID IT!
IF YOU SEE MORE THAN FIVE BLACK TUBA PLAYERS,
YOU'RE WATCHING AN OUTKAST VIDEO.
[cheers and applause]
IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL YEAR FOR ME.
I RECENTLY TURNED 30.
[cheers and applause] THANK YOU.
I LIKE THAT I TURNED 30, 'CAUSE NOW I FEEL
I'M GONNA LOVE THE THINGS I ENJOY
UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.
WHICH IS MOSTLY IGNORANT RAP MUSIC.
[cheers and applause]
IF YOU CAN RHYME "TITTIES"
WITH "TITTIES,"
I WILL BUY YOUR ALBUM.
[cheers and applause]
IT'S DIFFICULT TO GET YOUR FRIENDS INTO IT
WHO DON'T ALREADY ENJOY HIP-HOP.
'CAUSE RAPPERS MAKE WEIRD FIRST IMPRESSIONS.
ONE OF MY FAVORITEST SONGS STARTS OFF WITH THE LINE...
"AND I PROBABLY [bleep] YOUR BITCH."
[cheers and applause]
THAT'S A HORRIBLE WAY TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO ME.
I GUESS I'LL PUT THIS CHEESE PLATE BACK IN THE FRIDGE,
AS THIS DINNER PARTY HAS TAKEN A TURN.
I'M RON FUNCHES. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.