(upbeat music) (crowd clapping)
- What's up, everyone?
I'm Jes Tom, I'm a standup comic,
and a non-binary transgender person,
which means I am trans,
but I don't identify as a punk musician
or a spoken word artist.
As a non-binary transgender person,
I feel most affirmed by cis confusion.
So, if any of you didn't get that,
thank you, I feel seen, I feel affirmed.
It feels so good, guys.
So, are there queer people watching this tonight?
Okay, good, good.
So, I just wanna be real with you,
that doing stand-up for queer people scares me the most,
because it's hard to make us laugh, which is fine.
We've seen stuff, we've been through stuff.
A stand-up comic is like, "So, where are you from?"
Queer people are like,
"Generations of trauma on the diaspora."
Did not budget the spoons to talk to another person today.
We're scared, we're nervous.
That's all right, that's okay.
Stand up is a lot, I get it.
I have jokes that I can't tell anymore,
like a long time ago,
I had a joke that went,
as a non-binary person, people have a hard time reading me.
Like people tend to think I'm this hot, cool dyke,
and I think I'm a little twink.
Like people think I'm a Juno,
when really I'm a Michael Cera.
And, now, years later,
it turns out both me and Juno are Michael Cera.
Can't tell that joke anymore.
Burn that material.
That time is over.
I have a hard time keeping up with things sometimes.
I'm an old queer person.
All right, I'm not that old in human years.
If anybody from the industry is watching,
I'm not that old in human years.
But I've been out as some kind of gay since I was 13,
which, in queer years, makes me like a gnarled tree,
very Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree.
Now, it's 2021.
I watch all these little gay children play under me.
They have things I didn't have,
they're carving things into me.
A lesbian is, I'm like, "I was a lesbian
"before you were born."
It's harsh, we're changing, everybody's growing up,
like my childhood best friend got straight married.
Hey, love is love, love is love.
That's okay, they're allowed to do that.
My childhood best friend got straight married.
She actually got married to the boy she's been with
since we were 16.
I know, right?
That's a straight love story.
That's a love story for straight people.
I can't do that, right?
It's different for me.
If I were to try to do the same thing,
I'd be getting married to a Keira Knightley MySpace banner
I made in 2006.
I'd be getting married to a copy of Elle Magazine
with Emmy Rossum on the cover.
It's not the same, not the same for me.
Childhood best friend got straight married.
She actually asked me to be in the wedding.
I said yes, because I love her,
though I don't support the lifestyle.
But I had to think about it.
I had to think, how can I be true to myself
and still be in this straight wedding?
I had to make a hard decision.
I decided I could not go to her bachelorette party, right?
'Cause it cannot be me alone in a beach house in San Diego,
surrounded by 10 drunk straight women.
That's not safe.
It's not safe for them, it's not safe for me.
Either someone's gonna have a sexual awakening,
or I'm gonna get a makeover.
Either way, it can only end in tears.
I've been changing.
I've been changing too.
Just before the pandemic,
I started testosterone, AKA God's anti-Nair,
and it's weird.
I went into quarantine a beautiful young boy
and came out this kind of grizzled man.
Not really, but I am different now,
and people read me differently.
Like before, people would think I was a guy
from behind or three quarters to the back.
And then that awkward thing would happen
where they'd be like, "Sir,"
and I'd be like, "Yes,"
and they'd be like, "Oh, I mean, beautiful woman
"Oh God, anybody can see you're a beautiful woman!"
And I'd be like, "Okay, well you didn't think that
"one second ago."
And now, people don't really know what to make of me,
which, that's fine, relatable, neither do I.
I was in a cab recently,
and the driver got a call from another passenger,
saying he had left his bag in the car.
And so I'm in the back, I'm starting to look around,
and I hear the driver go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,
"Maybe you left it.
"I have another passenger here.
"She's looking, he's looking,
"we're looking for your bag."
And I was like, "This poor motherfucker's
"never gonna find his stuff."
(Jes laughing) This poor dude.
(Jes sighing)
It's an interesting time.
I'm in a relationship.
I'm in a non-monogamous relationship.
I have a girlfriend, she has a wife too,
and it's interesting.
I've dated a lot of different ways,
monogamously and non-monogamously.
They're all kind of hard,
just hard in different ways.
Monogamy is like someone puts a gun to my head
and is like, "Jess, for the rest of your life,
"you can only eat one food, what do you pick?"
And I'm like, (Jes sighing)
"Okay, I pick pizza," right?
It's my favorite food.
If I get it every single day,
I might get kind of bored of it, but it's my favorite.
I always know what to expect,
and I'm always gonna kind of like it.
Non-monogamy is like no gun to my head,
I waltz into the buffet.
I'm like, I am going to get pizza, and tacos,
and French fries, and duck a l'orange,
and I get all of them.
But sometimes the pizza and the duck a l'orange
wanna have dinner without me, and that's fine,
I'm happy for them.
I'm happy for them over there.
I support it.
It's good.
No, but it is good.
It's a good setup for us,
but it was hard in the pandemic, especially, right?
'Cause it wasn't always safe for us to see each other.
'Cause it's like, if you're monogamous, you get the plague,
you give it to your partner, you die in each other's arms.
That's The Notebook, that's Romeo and Juliet.
That's the greatest love story of all time.
If you are non-monogamous, you get the plague,
you give it to your partner,
they give it to their partner, that person dies.
That's unethical non-monogamy.
That's you being the unethical slut.
All right, guys, that's my time.
(upbeat music)