How you guys doing?
Nice look, cute couple, you guys
look nervous.
Where are you from?
Dallas. OK, first time this
close to a brother.
She said yes.
Yes. And it's fascinating.
I didn't know it be like that.
Texas. I like that Texas.
All right. Oh, well.
In Texas.
OK.
That doesn't happen a lot.
In New York basements.
But OK, they
just fucking wooed Texas as they
did.
I like Texas. San Antonio.
Not so much. Never going back there
and not good.
There's a shitty city is cool.
It's cute. You know, it's got the
little Riverwalk, you know,
but it's adorable.
But the reason I'm never going back
is because I got attacked by a bat
and sent it.
I like how you guys are quiet.
Like, that's some normal shit in
your life.
I got attacked by a fucking bat in
San Antonio.
Not not a bat.
A fucking bat.
Let me tell you what happened.
First of all, it was hot as shit out
there like you ever been someplace
that's so hot that the first thing
you do when you come outside is
curse. Like you ever get that?
Like heat Tourette's.
You ever catch it?
Like, as soon as the heat hits you,
you're like, motherfuck! And
you look at people like, why do you
live here?
Yo that shit was one hundred and
five degrees the day I landed in San
Antonio. My cab driver was like,
thank God the weather finally broke.
It was like, shit, it gets
hotter than this out here?
So you know what, much of it has
been decided, because normally when
I go to town, I like to go check out
the sights and shit.
See what that town is famous for.
But at one hundred and five degrees
ain't going nowhere.
I ain't seen shit.
Fuck the Alamo. They lost there
anyway. I'm not impressed.
Oh, that. It's too soon.
So we are just groaned on that.
It's like seven hundred years ago.
Get over it.
And the Mexicans own San Antonio
now. So you lost Daddy way
twice.
Have you been to San Antonio?
I said a little. Mexico.
Yeah.
They said, fuck it, we're not gonna
invade with our army.
We'll just move.
Hundred and five degrees.
The day I landed in San Antonio and
I saw I was like, you know what?
Forget I'm not doing anything that
has to do with going outside.
I'm doing air conditioning shit.
I will be in my hotel room
or the comedy club.
That is it.
I'm not going anywhere else.
Hotel room, comedy clubs.
I'm sitting in my hotel room.
I got the air conditioning on
Antarctica.
That shit was so cold in my room,
you know, if I would give a polar
bear what a caveman they would have
been like, could you give me a
jacket? That's it was
cold as fuck.
And then I had I had the
air conditioning on blast and then I
had the window cracked is to get a
little fresh air, you know,
circulate, That's some Black shit.
I don't expect this bas- basement to
know.
I'm looking around. You guys don't
know what that's about to see that
that's some Black shit. Like we
don't believe in that fake air
coming out of that machine.
We believe it is a pop by the white
man to fuck
up our brain cells with refreshing
air.
So to counteract your evil, devious
plan, we crack
a window.
Fucking geniuses!
You didn't think we survived this
long, by being stupid.
I had a window crack doing my Black
duty.
I'm sitting on a computer Facebook
and it you know, putting them
bullshit out there because
that's what people put on social
media. It's all bullshit.
We are crazy about it.
I just took my shoes off
and 32 people like that, like you
don't fucking got shoes.
I'm sitting on a computer
and all of a sudden I see something
out of the corner, my eyes.
Right.
And I'm like, fuck do they got
critters like you to
be in your house and you think you
see a mouse.
You're like, do I?
I know I don't have.
So I'm saying, you know what?
Maybe I've been on this computer too
long, I'm starting to see shit.
So I got to close the screen
and then a fucking bat just pops up.
Full view, and this motherfucker's
just coming out.
And he had that look on his face.
And before I could get the words
out. Oh, shit.
Is that a bat.
That's what I plan on saying.
Oh, shit.
Is that a bat?
But before I could finish that
statement. The motherfucker came
through the crack in the window and
was in my face.
Ah I threw the computer at it.
I didn't know what else to do.
I literally took my laptop
and threw it at the bed.
And then I was like, what the fuck
did I do that for?
I just broke my computer and it was
a waste of time because the bat was
slick he saw coming and he just did
one of these.
It is right around the computer.
And look back at me like, why would
you do that?
You know how hot it is out there?
Why you throwing shit at people,
selfish.
I'm freaking out.
There's as a bat in my room, I don't
know what to do.
And next Tuesday, I'm not making
this shit out this bad.
They had me stand in a two bedroom
condo. Right.
And this bat flew into the
bedroom that I had already
put my bags in.
And then immediately came out
and went into the other bedroom.
It was weird. It was like, oh, you
got that one.
I'm a go ahead and take this.
I'm like, so now we roommates.
This is unacceptable, man.
I'm not living with a bad
White House, having some freaking
that I'm in there, I'm tripping out.
I'm like, yo. And the bat is flying
around the room just checking out
the surroundings.
And then he hits the curtain with
his feet and then he just hangs
upside down and then just went
to sleep. Just fucking looked
at me, was like. And then fucking
just shut it down.
So I'm like not saying I'm not.
No, not
at all. Not at all.
So I'm looking around the low
apartment trying to figure out how
do you get rid of the bat.
I go in the kitchen.
I found a frying pan.
No. Don't oh. Don't Oh.
Don't oh don't you.
Oh, motherfucker.
Came through the window like a
burglar.
You want friendly treatment.
Knock on the door.
You don't come through the fucking
window. I'm from the hood.
You come to my window, you get
smacked in the face with a fucking
frying pan.
To hell with your oh's
out of your fucking mind.
You'll sneak it through my window
and I'll make you coffee.
Get the fuck out of here.
I picked up that frying pan.
I was like, he had trouble.
Yes. I'm trying to figure out a
plan. I'm like, okay, I'm going down
to smack the shit out of them.
But this frying pan.
No, don't kill him.
It's gonna wake his ass up.
He's gonna at least wake him up and
then he gonna fly out of here and
tell his friend. Listen, don't fuck
with that window.
They are swinging some heavy shit up
in that room.
But then I thought about I was like,
not I can't do that shit because
Bazza like, they got radar.
And they're fast as shit I'm
thinking like, what if I swing and
miss?
Right. And then he fucking does that
shit again and then he bites me.
You know what I'm saying?
And then now I've got to live
forever, you know, to me.
All I'm thinking is I don't want to
be a fucking vampire.
So I say, you know what, I'm just
gonna call the dude downstairs,
he's from here.
He knows what to do.
He should.
So I called downstairs, but I'm
trying not to be a bitch.
And I'm a six foot two, very
chocolaty black dude.
I can't be I can't be running
my hair scared of critters.
You know, that's a bad look.
So I'm trying to man up, I'm trying
to seem cool.
I mean, I call downstairs.
I'm like, yo my man.
Listen,
listen. I don't know if this is
normal because I'm
not really from here, but there's a
bat
in my room and I'm a little
uncomfortable.
And he goes, oh, don't worry about
it, buddy.
It's probably just a fruit bat.
I don't give a fuck.
The bed is gay. What I want to know.
Gay or straight?
How do I get rid of this fucking
bat?
He was like, well, where is the bat
now?
I was like, well, he's in his room.
I think he's taking a nap.
I don't know.
He was like, well, that's perfect.
Is what I want you to do.
So once he's gone in there.
Right.
He said sneak up on in
real quiet, like that's what he
said. I remember that because I'd
never heard that in real life.
I've seen it in cowboy movies aren't
real quiet like dogs
like this motherfucker know what
he's talking about.
So he goes, you sneak up on him real
quiet. Like, I'm like, huh?
He was like that when you did close
enough. You just grab him I like,
what? The fuck out of here dude.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm not a bat grabber.
And if I was capable of just
grabbing bats, why would I call you?
That's just ridiculous what you just
said.
I said it's still what I said.
I need you to help me get this
fucking bat.
I said I'm not a bat grabber.
That's not who I am.
Like this. Like this who I am.
Like you
come up to me and pull out a pistol
for me and tell me you'll give me
your money.
And depending on where I'm at, I
might tell you to get the fuck out
of my face before I slap the taste
of your mouth. I've done that
before. Believe it or not.
But if you come up to me.
And you pull out a bat.
I just got robbed.
That's pretty much what happened.
I'm not arguing with the bat dude.
Do you know how crazy you got to be
to walk around with a live bat in
your pocket, just pulling it
out on people. Give me your money
and the bat is like yo give it to
him.
He ain't fucking around.
I'm a Black dude, we don't really fuck with
animals like that.
We don't. We don't really fuck with
animals like that.
I know it sounds like a blanket
racial statement to make.
And, you know, we hate that.
But some things are true, you know,
culturally, racially by
people don't really fuck with
animals like that.
Prove to you how, you know, Black
folks don't fuck with animals.
You have watched Discovery Channel,
Animal Planet, any of those
networks.
When have you ever seen a brother
with a show.
Think about it. Have you ever turned
down the Discovery Channel and
seen a Black dude?
Looking for anything,
you've never seen that ever,
and the show could be in Africa.
And there's no fucking Black people.
They could be in the middle of the
Serengeti.
And as a white guy with shorts on
and an accent like "Crikey.
Let's take a closer look, shall we?"
The Africans are there.
You just don't see them.
They way in the back.
Look, look, look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look, look.
This motherfucker is crazy.
I don't know why he messing with
leopard. I live here.
I don't fuck with leopard.
Does God tell you what does a lap I
go, oh
God. See the leopard.
But you are going to have to pay me
now because you might not be coming
back.
Alright. You guys have been good,
man. Thank you so much.