-Someday, I'm gonna have a boyfriend,
and he will be as well-behaved, noble, and physically strong
as my male guinea pig, Jean-Philippe.
-I thought Jean-Philippe ate all your grandma's heart medicine.
-Yeah. We tried to make him throw it up,
but he was too proud.
♪♪
-Oh, my God. Hi.
-♪ Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff ♪
♪ Girlfriends talking about cute guys and clothes ♪
♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪
-Oh, my God. Hi. I'm #Kyra.
-And I'm Morgan@not-allowed- to-use-Twitter.cool.
-And we're BFFs.
This week, I finally let Morgan pick the guest,
and she chose the divorced adult lady
she always hangs out with.
-That's right.
I've been her shoulder to cry on ever since
her husband walked out on her surprise birthday party.
Please welcome Donna Ruth Baker.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Hi, Morgan. Hi, Kyra. Donna Ruth up inside this house!
I am!
-Donna, what have you done to your hair?
What happened to your beautiful, thick, gray braid?
-That braid is gone, just like the old Donna.
-Yeah, I took Donna to
Creative Cuts at Two Rivers Mall,
and we made her look a lot more okay.
-What? Why wasn't I invited?
-Well, you were at your swimming lesson.
-I finally learned how to float...
if I hold on to the side of the pool.
-Awesome. First topic.
-Doll clothes! -Hookups.
Hookups. Hookups. -Hookups?
-Yeah, Donna and I changed it. Hookups.
-Well, I guess I just thought, like, Donna was my guest.
I mean, what are you gonna take from me next?
My Anderson Cooper poster?
That gay silver fox is mine!
-Okay. So, Donna, how are things going with speed dating?
-Oh, they're going. They're going hard.
[ Laughs ]
I dove into that dating pool just face-first
and came up with just a mouthful of Hawaiian man meat.
His name is Pua.
-What? Who? Pua? -Yeah.
-Pua is new-a to me.
-Well, Pua has got straight, Hawaiian, soft hair everywhere,
and he's very hot.
[ Chuckles ] And he's a Pepsi man.
Yeah. I mean, don't even mention Coke around him,
'cause he just shuts down.
So, I just bring him a Pepsi and say, "That's my Pua!
That's my Pua!" And I kind of serpentine.
Serpentine. -Donna, what are you doing?
-[ Laughs ] Well, dolphin moves.
You just kind of -- Pua taught me.
You just fluctuate, fluctuate.
It's a lot of arching. -Wow. Sounds interesting.
-Wow. Pua sounds like a bad boy.
Honestly, why didn't you even tell me about him?
-Oh, well, I didn't think to tell you, kiddo,
'cause you're always saying that you're not into dating,
so I didn't tell you.
-Well, that's because I'm dating the woman I'm becoming,
and I love every moment with her!
-Awesome. Next topic.
-Sand art! -Sexual reawakenings!
-Donna, gross! -Awesome.
So, Donna, how has Pua awoken your body?
-[ Sighs ]
Well, I don't know if either of you gals --
if either of you gals has -- I'm thinking about Pua
and I'm getting all jazzed up.
I don't know if either one of you gals has ever been with
a Hawaiian man, but now I understand what "Hawaii Five-0"
means, because Pua has given me five O's so far.
-Donna, this is too much.
You're out of control, double "O," "C."
-Morgan hates to talk about this stuff
because it makes her nervous and her face gets hot.
She's never even gotten to first base.
-Um, as if!
I've been to all the bases with all the boys,
and I'll even go in the dugout.
-Alright. Just...don't worry, Morgan.
I can tell you feel bad right now, okay?
But boyfriends are a lot of work.
My boyfriend's older.
One time, my boyfriend bought me a single seat
at a Kings hockey game.
At the end of the first period, he arranged for me
to be on the jumbotron.
As soon as I saw myself on the screen,
I had to slow-eat a giant pretzel.
while my boyfriend watched from his iPhone
in the steakhouse across the street.
My boyfriend's crazy.
-Not as crazy Pua.
When I went to visit him Hawaii,
he gave me the most beautiful lay.
And I'm not talking about a string of flowers.
I'm not talking about that. No. That's my Pua!
That's how we do-a! That's my Pua!
That's how we do-a!
-Honestly, Donna, I liked you so much better
when you were broken and sad.
-Awesome! Okay, see you there. Bye!
-Bye.
-♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪♪
♪ Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff ♪
♪ Girlfriends talking about cute guys and clothes ♪
♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪
-Oh, my God. Hi.
I'm Kyra and I'm never gonna stop doing me.
-And I'm Morgan and I'm gonna do as much me as I can.
-We're BFFs -- best fabulous friends.
-And we're more than friends.
-No, we're not. Morgan, what do you mean?
"More than friends" means we're, like, a couple.
-A couple of great friends.
-No, like a sex couple.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
I told everyone at camp that we're more than friends.
-Well, stop now and clear that up, okay?
'Cause my boyfriend watches all of this.
-Okay. -Awesome.
Today on the show is our new drama teacher at school,
Miss Christine.
-Yeah. She wears jeans and she's a teacher.
Only in America.
-She's definitely a free spirit.
I saw her dancing for a man at Ruby Tuesday's.
Please welcome Miss Christine.
-Hello, actors. Yes.
I hope we are all breathing deeply from our anuses.
-Oh, Miss Christine,
I'm scared we're gonna have to bleep "anus."
-That's not a bad word. It's medical.
-Yeah, but it's near the underneath
and it's the worst part of the privates.
-Morgan, you're acting out of fear.
-The bravest thing we do as actors
is lose fear and just live.
Stand in front of people naked and just say,
"This is my vessel.
Deal with me. I'm a lot."
-Awesome.
Miss Christine just got fired recently from our school.
-I quit because they wouldn't let me do
"The Vagina Monologues."
They said it was too adult.
I said, "I've adapted a teen version
called 'The Ginie-logues.'"
-Okay, let's cool it on the ginie talk.
Honestly, I'm starting to sweat. -Awesome. First topic.
-Party whistles! -Honest scene work.
-Honest scene work. -Yes.
-We changed it on Google Docs. -What? I can't use Google.
I'm not allowed online without supervision
after my parents caught me Googling Ron Weasley topless.
-During my two days as your teacher,
we were working on the scene I wrote for you.
I crave to see how the work is coming.
-Awesome.
-Breathe from the coccyx and begin.
[ Both breathe deeply ]
-Mama, I'm 16.
I want to go to New York and be somebody.
I have dreams. -Oh, you and me both, child.
I have dreams of your daddy's hot booze breath
and rough hands.
-Okay. Morgan, Morgan, try it like this.
[ Deeply ] You and me both, child.
I have dreams of your daddy's hot booze breath
and his rough hands.
-[ Laughing ] Okay.
Uh, that's enough. I think we get the gist.
-Morgan, what's so funny?
I feel like your sexual frustration is holding you back.
-Yeah. -Uh, I think...you are...
-Awesome.
Those were great notes, Miss Christine.
Next topic.
-Rainbow looms. -Men.
-An e-cigarette. Awesome. -Wait. Men?
What do you mean "men"? -That's the topic -- men.
-I've been told by every man that I've dated
that I'm too much to handle, I'm more trouble than I'm worth,
I'm a firecracker that was thought of as a dud,
then they go back to check it, and it explodes in their faces.
In short, I'm a bitch on feet.
-Oh, good grief!
-Awesome. My boyfriend's older.
He bought me a really nice GoPro camera
and had me strap it to my head and run through
the worst part of town while drinking won-ton soup
out of a Styrofoam to-go cup.
Then he made me download the footage and send it to
doctor.donald.krasner@aol.com.
And that's not his name, so I don't know who that is.
My boyfriend's crazy.
-Well, someday, I'm gonna have a boyfriend,
and he will be as well-behaved, noble, and physically strong
as my male guinea pig, Jean-Philippe.
-I thought Jean-Philippe ate all your grandma's heart medicine.
-Yeah. We tried to make him throw it up,
but he was too proud.
He died on his own terms.
-You can use that pain in your work...
and also in your love-making.
-Oh, my God!
Um, can I just ask you for no more feedback, please?
You're not our teacher anymore. You're just a lady in jeans.
-That's the passion I've been wanting from you.
-Wha... I have passion?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, that's our sexy show.
-Okay, Morgan, that's enough.
See ya later! Bye! -Bye.
-♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪♪
♪ Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff ♪
♪ Girlfriends talking about cute guys and clothes ♪
♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪
-Oh, my God. Hi.
I'm Kyra. And this is how I do me.
-Yeah. And I'm Morgan, and I do myself a few different ways.
-Morgan, don't say it like that.
We're BFFs. -Yeah, best fabulous females.
-I haven't seen Morgan in a while
'cause she's been really busy with the school dance team.
-Yeah, my involvement with the dance squad
has basically taken over my life.
It's my passion. It's totally eclipsed loom art.
-Then you're gonna love our surprise guest, Morgan.
I invited the captain of your dance squad.
She's going to tell us how good you are.
-Oh, no.
Ask me first always.
-Please welcome Megan Carter-Cosgrove.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Hi, Kyra.
Thanks for having me on your show.
Morgan and I haven't seen each other in a long, long time.
-Why? Isn't she on your dance squad?
-Well, that is a really interesting question.
Is Morgan on my dance squad?
-Mother Earth, please, take me away.
Give me the powers of flight.
-Um, do you want to tell her the truth, Morgan?
Because I'm known as a sweetie,
and I think the answer will embarrass you.
-So, just say it, Morgan. -Very well.
I am a fourth alternate.
I basically just hang out and I wait for
a disaster to happen to someone.
-Awesome! First topic.
Dance moves. -True-life angel stories.
-Dance moves. -Oh, no.
-Yeah, Morgan, since you claim to be a part of the team,
you must know all of the dances.
-Oh, this is a girl trap. I can feel it.
-Let's do...Body Pump 2000.
[ Dance music plays ]
-♪ Body pump ♪
♪ Pump that body, pump that body, pump that body ♪
♪ Body pump ♪
♪ Pump that body, pump that body 2,000 times ♪
-Well, one of you wasn't doing the dance,
and my gut says Morgan.
-I was just marking it. I'm saving it up for the show.
-But you're not in the show. -Okay!
Well, if four girls get hurt, I am in the show.
So you better take your chewable vitamins
along with your bitch sandwich
and then go ahead and sit on the sandwich, as well.
-Morgan, chill out.
-The real reason Morgan isn't on the team
is because she seizes up
when any of the guy dancers are around.
-Not true! -Good, 'cause they're here.
-The guys?! -Yeah.
Please welcome, Brooklyn, Becker,
Braden, Brazen, and Bizane.
[ Dance music plays ]
-What's up, Morgan?
-Hello, Morgan.
-What's up, girl?
-Yo. What's up? -Long time no see, girl.
-How's your guinea pig, girl?
-I w-want to die-ie-ie!
-See? She seizes up.
-Morgan, make a word.
-G-g-gout!
-Hey, Kyra. -Hey.
-Hello, Kyra. -Hi.
-What's up? -Hey.
-Kyra, hey. -Hey.
-Wait, wait. How do they all know you?
-Oh, they're all my ex-boyfriends.
No hard feelings, right, guys? People change. People move on.
People grow.
-Yeah, I heard you're dating a cool older guy.
-Yeah, my boyfriend's older.
He lives on a houseboat now 'cause of water laws,
'cause he hates housing taxes.
He says they'll have to pry his taxes
from his cold, dead hands.
I've never been on it.
Every Sunday, I go to the dock and stand on a shrimp cage
and eat a lobster roll while he watches from a tiny porthole.
Sometimes, I can see one eye looking at me.
Other times, just a mouth laughing.
My boyfriend's crazy.
-As long as you're happy.
-We're happy. -Aww.
-Guys, you know what would make great TV?
Us dancing.
-Hey, Morgan, can I have this dance with you?
-Oh, my God.
I-I am blasting out of my pants right now.
-Morgan, you didn't mean to say that out loud, I think.
-No, you are right, Kyra. Let the dancing begin.
[ Dance music playing ]
-♪ Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff ♪
♪ Girlfriends talking about cute guys and clothes ♪
♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪
-Oh, my God. Hi.
-Welcome to "Girlfriends Talk Show."
-It's your girl Kyra coming at you.
-And I'm Morgan, approaching cautiously from the side.
-Awesome. We're BFFs. -Ya heard?
-Morgan's super-pumped 'cause it's prom week.
-Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm gonna match my eye shadow to my dress to my nails
to all the crystal clips in my hair so I'm like one big color.
-Now all you need is a date,
and that's why I asked a very special guest here today.
-Is it Todd Baker, my bus crush?
-No. He's weird.
His family owns and lives above an art shop.
-Yeah, but doesn't that mean he's cool?
-No. It means his parents are selfish.
Today's guest is gonna help us all get into prom spirit,
'cause she was last year's prom Queen.
Camden Carruthers. -Camden Carruthers?
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thanks for having me. -What's up?
-Just keeping it boogie 100.
-Boogie 100?
-Yeah, you know, doing my thing. Bling, bling, bling.
-Well, Kyra, why is she here?
Last year, I asked her to sign my yearbook,
and she wrote "no thanks" in it.
-That was last year, Morgan. I've grown up since then.
But you have to admit it was very funny.
-What? It didn't even make sense.
-So, Camden, what are your tips for this year's prom?
-Well, first off, don't spend too much on a dress.
More than $1,500 is so ratchet.
-$1,500?!
I think that's what my mom makes in a week.
-Tip number two -- practice your picture pose.
Avoid duck faces -- so ratchet.
-Last year, Donna and I had an unflattering picture pose.
My date Donna's waist chain got caught on my princess sleeve.
-Who's Donna?
-That's Morgan's mom's divorced friend
who's now Morgan's friend.
-Oh, yeah. I remember her.
She was the one in the scarf skirt and halters
who kept yelling at the deejay to play more
Chris Isaak "Wicked Game."
-Yeah, that's a beautiful song.
♪ I don't want to fall in love ♪
You can hear the years of pain in his voice.
-Your singing just gave me years of pain.
You are so ratchet.
-No, I'm not.
-Yeah. Ratchet.
-Well, you think you're so great?
Guess what.
I know the secret prom theme this year.
-No, you don't. No one knows yet.
-Yeah? I know.
And I'm sitting tight on it, 'cause the principal
told Donna, and Donna told me 'cause she knows
how good I am at keeping secrets 'cause I'm very trustworthy.
-The prom theme is "Imagine All the People."
Morgan told me. -Kyra!
Do you realize what you've just done?
You may have ruined my trust
with at least two or more people.
If this gets back to Donna, it's gonna take
some serious overtures to win her trust back.
-Awesome.
-She has been burned by life many times.
-Awesome. First topic.
-Corsages. -Promposals.
-Wait. What the freak is a promposal?
-Well, if you don't know, it means you've never been asked.
-It's a really cool, elaborate way
for a boy to ask you to the prom.
-Like, say, you're making a poster out of Legos,
and it says "Hey, Lego to prom."
Do you get it, Morgan? Do you understand?
-Yes, you basic "B"!
-Morgan, chill.
Alright, why don't we each say
what our dream promposal would be.
-Well, my BF Evan covered my Mercedes
in sticky notes that spelled out "Camden, go to prom with me."
I didn't expect to see my Mercedes that way.
My dad was like, "What is going on with your Mercedes?"
-What's yours, Morgan?
-My dream promposal would be the wheelchair kid from "Glee"
would wheel down a flaming ramp with a sign that said,
"Morgan, will you push me to prom?"
And then I would push him all night long.
-What about you, Kyra? -Well, my boyfriend's older.
He worries that he'll feel out of place
since he graduated from the class of 1979.
So I'm going all by myself, and he's gonna watch me
from security cameras he hacked into.
I'm supposed to linger by the the punch bowl at 9:15,
then try to drink the whole thing using only my hands.
If I do it, he's gonna buy me a season pass to Six Flags.
My boyfriend's crazy.
-That's all the time we have.
-Hey! That's my line. I say that.
-Hey, chill out, Morgan.
She's a former prom Queen, so she gets to.
-Joke's on her.
She may be prom queen, but I'll be at the prom
long after her, stacking up the chairs.
So suck on that, reality pop.
-Awesome.
-And that is all the time have -- we have.
Damn. -Alright. See you at prom. Bye!
-♪ "Girlfriends Talk Show" ♪♪
♪♪
-Oh, my God. Hi.