(audience cheering)
(music playing)
- Hello!
Hello!
Thank you very much for coming out tonight
and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
(audience clapping and cheering)
Because it was lovely the way I was introduced there.
it's really nice to be introduced.
It's really a nice thing to get used to in a new job.
When somebody says your name
and people clap and cheer, it's lovely.
It was a little bit weird at the doctors the other day -
(audience laughs)
because nobody clapped,
and every time I said "clap!"
I think they thought that's what I had.
(audience laughs)
I decided in January,
I think a lot of people do this in January.
Decided in January to try and sort of better myself.
I'm not really bothered about losing weight
but I quite liked the idea of getting fit.
So I thought, I'll get meself an exercise DVD.
Now, you know, when your partner goes shopping and they say
"Do you want anything?"
And you're supposed to say "No"
but instead you give them a list.
I love doing that.
Sometimes I just make shit up
I don't even need just to see his face.
(audience laughs)
He looks at the list and he goes
"What's the difference between a tangerine and a satsuma?"
Ha ha! It's a test.
(audience laughs)
I said to him, "Could you get us an exercise DVD?"
That's what I thought I'd do, I get an exercise DVD.
I said, "just like a bog standard,
like a beginner's guide, a very basic exercise DVD."
And he said, "No problem!"
He came home with "Davina's Buff Your Abs."
(audience laughs)
I thought, I'm going have to loose three stone
before I find me bloody abs.
So I took it back and I swapped it
for the one that I wanted, which was, you know
just "Fat Lass Has a Go."
You know,
(audience laughing and cheering)
(audience clapping)
or the sequel, "Fat Lass Tries Again."
(audience laughs)
And I watched the first few minutes
and you know how it's always a celebrity and a trainer,
isn't it?
'Cause the celebrity sells the DVDs and the trainer
knows what they're doing.
And in the first few minutes, they were both laughing
at nothing. It was very unnerving.
And the trainer said to the celebrity, ha ha ha ha ha ha!
"Why don't you tell the viewers at home
what weight you were when you started this regime?"
The celebrity went "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
When I started this regime I was 10 stone."
(audience laughs)
I realised then that I'm aiming for a start weight.
(audience laughs)
But I like to eat, is that so bad? I like to eat.
Sometimes I think I've got a tapeworm
but that it's just full.
(audience laughs)
But I'm trying to eat more healthily.
I had an apple the other day.
(audience laughs)
Thank you!
(audience cheers and claps)
I put it in me handbag on an optimistic Monday
(audience laughs)
and by the Thursday, there weren't any KitKat's left
(audience laughs)
and I was starving. I thought, I'm gonna have to find it.
So I poked around in me handbag,
and I found it.
It was prematurely bruised and battered.
It had pen on it.
(audience laughs)
But I was starving, so I peeled off the clean pantie liner
and I ate it.
(audience laughing and clapping)
And it was all right.
It was all right.
It really reminded me of something I'd had years ago
that I liked, and I was like, what does it remind me of?
I can't remember.
Toffee Apples.
(audience laughing)
I know we've got some, recognisable faces in.
We've got Olympic Medalist Colin Jackson in.
(audience cheering)
Hello love. See, Colin Jackson it's alright for you
You've got like a safety net, 'cause if things ever
get tight, sort of money-wise you can just head off
with your Medals to 'Cash for Gold' can't you?
(audience laughs)
And we've got lovely Alex and Matt from 'The One Show'!
(audience cheering)
You guys are on Twitter. You're both on Twitter, aren't you?
I like Twitter.
Give us a cheer if you're on Twitter.
(audience cheering)
Loads of you!
I like it, but it can sometimes be a little bit weird,
can't it?
I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and he said
I've got a bit of spare time on me hands
and I don't know whether to watch some porn
or you.
(audience laughing)
He's in!
That struck me as being a little bit odd
because I don't know much about porn
but from what I can gather, it's sort of fantasy, isn't it?
It's supposed to be unachievable things.
You know, like, having sex with two women at the same time.
you know what I want,
it's fine,
he's fine, he's fine.
But I got myself firmly in the bracket of achievable.
(audience laughing)
and by that laughter, so do you,
you shits!
(audience laughing)
So that man's fantasy is a middle-aged,
slightly overweight woman who witters on.
Just wander round ASDA, there's hundreds of me.
(audience laughing)
look along to the end of your sofa,
you might well be bloody married to one of me!
(audience laughs)
But I live alone. Give us a cheer if you live alone!
(audience cheers)
clearly sound very happy about it, well done!
See, I live alone. Something you might not know,
the people who live on their own, is that you can still
have breakfast in bed if you live on your own.
Listen up, bitches.
(audience laughing)
If I want breakfast in bed,
what I do before I go to bed,
is I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet.
(audience laughing)
And then, when I wake up the next day,
as me eyes are focusing, I think,
there's a bloody Twix just there!
But sometimes there's just a wrapper.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
I've obviously got up for a wee in the night and gone
'Ahhh'
either that or the tooth fairy's moved over
to the dark side.
(audience laughing)
But, I'm in a relationship at the moment.
Give us a cheer, all the couples in.
(audience cheering and clapping)
lovely. With my fella now for four years.
The only times we ever have problems
is when it comes to present-giving time.
Christmases, birthday's, that sort of thing.
'Cause my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises.
And I really don't like surprises.
Anybody else who doesn't like surprises?
- (audience) Yeah!
- Few of you. See, what we've done is,
we've got a happy medium now.
I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.
(audience laughs)
Five or six things, he's allowed to pick one.
I don't know which one it is
so it's still technically a surprise.
It was my birthday at the end of May,
and he came home a few days before my birthday
and he said "Never guess what I've just done!"
I said, "What have you just done?"
He said, "I've gone off-list!"
(audience laughing and groaning)
He said "I'm not even sure if you're going to like it"
I said "Why the hell did you BUY it then?"
"I mean, thank you."
(audience laughing)
A friend of mine who doesn't really know us very well
she said "Ooo! That sounds like an engagement ring to me!"
I said, "No, it sounds like 'Kerplunk!'"
(audience laughing)
because a couple of years ago I had really bad flu.
You know that really bad flu that you can't get out of bed
and you just feel terrible?
My boyfriend said, "I'm going to go and get a present
to cheer you up."
Now, I'm quite easy to cheer up.
I like flowers, I like chocolates, I'm a walking cliche.
My favourite flowers are daffodils,
which were in season at the time
and were everywhere, in buckets, for a pound.
(Audience laughs)
Chocolate-wise I'm quite happy with a Twix or a Twirl.
You're talking £1.60, and I'm champion.
(audience laughing)
He chose to disregard that relevant information
and came home with something that
he thought was entirely appropriate, which was a
'Mr. Potato Head'!
(audience laughing)
Still don't really know why.
But ironically, when I opened the box,
I wanted to rearrange his bloody face.
(audience laughs)
But you know, when you've been together a few years
obviously you get to know each other a bit better.
And there are new things that pop up
about each other that turn you, each other on.
And you don't, you don't know this, these new things can
pop up about each other that turn you on and they can
pop up the most unusual places.
We were were having a Carvery.
I love a Carvery,
and, with his pudding he got a jug of custard
and he poured the custard onto his pudding,
and then he licked the spout of the custard jug
and I was genuinely aroused.
(audience laughing)
I just leaned over to him and I went
"Get in the car"
(audience laughing)
"Bring the custard!"
(audience laughing and clapping)
Now I've always been quite cautious by nature,
always have been. I've got a friend whose got, what I call,
a very dangerous lifestyle.
He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.
To me, exciting is when you start a new tea towel.
(audience laughs)
Love it! Love it! It's all been folded in the cupboard.
No? No? Just me.
For my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle.
He, he's quite open about his sexual exploits.
He said to me, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?
I've had sex in a kitchen sink".
And I said,
"No"
And I got home.
And I thought, am I a prude?
I don't think I am, but maybe I am.
So I said to my boyfriend, would I mean,
"Would you ,
"Would you like to have sex in the kitchen sink?"
I get the impression it's supposed to be,
a bit more in the moment. Isn't it?
Rather than just, "When you've done those dishes,
get your arse on there!"
(audience laughing)
And he said "Why would I want
to have sex in a kitchen sink?
That'd be like eating your dinner out of a shoe".
(audience laughing)
And my friend said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"
He said, "I've had sex on a plane."
And I said,
"No"
And he said, "that's dangerous. That's exciting"
I said, "Well, I suppose it is.
But I think having a massive shit
with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous."
(audience laughing)
And I've definitely done that.
(audience laughing and clapping)
and from the clapping I can tell I'm not the only one.
We're all members of the pile high club.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Hello. It's Sarah Millican here.
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and why not stick around to watch a few more?
I'm sure those emails or those dishes can wait a bit longer.