Is a narcissist or abuser in your life
trying to get back in. Maybe they have just sent you a gift,
written you a card, or they're acting super sweet and kind.
Maybe they gave you a heartfelt apology with profuse tears and promises to change.
They seem so sincere.
Your heart strings are being pulled
and you are feeling tempted to give them one more chance.
How do you know their repentance is real and not some other control tactic?
In this video, I'm going to share with you 10 ways to tell if the narcissist or
abuser in your life is genuinely repentant.
Check it out.
Hi, everyone, I'm Shaneen Megji. I am a transition coach.
Welcome to my YouTube series on toxicity is not your destiny.
My mission is to help people navigate toxic relationships and environments
in their lives from a biblical, practical and spiritual perspective.
So if you like this video, take a moment
right now. Click that subscribe button. Click the bell and click the like
because every week I'm going to be bringing you a new video to empower you
to navigate toxic relationships and environments.
So let's get into the subject. How can you tell if your narcissist's
repentance is real or just some other control tactic?
On one hand, nice gestures could be a sign
of love, of someone wanting to restore and rebuild a relationship.
But on the other hand, they can also be an insidious form
of manipulation, a control tactic to lure you back into the toxic relationship you
were once in and to subject you to even worse abuse.
So how do you know the difference?
How can you protect yourself?
First way you can tell, look at patterns of behavior,
keeping in mind that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior.
Is this the first time this person is apologizing or has it happened before?
What was the aftermath of the last apology?
Assess all the actions and inactions of this person together as pieces of one
big puzzle to get a clear picture of where they're at.
Don't zero in on these one- off behaviors or attitudes.
Look at the whole picture.
If this person has a habit of apologizing or doing nice things to win you over
and then going back to their old ways, well, chances are it isn't going to be
different this time as much as you are desperately hoping it is.
So, OK, let's say you're feeling right now,
"But what if it's different this time? What if they did go through the school of hard
knocks and they really, really learned their lesson this time?"
Well, here are other ways that you can tell if the repentance is genuine.
This second way, the narcissist confesses their wrongdoing.
And this is not done in some general ambiguous way.
It is a very clear and specific apology.
They are spelling out to you exactly what
they did wrong and how that action or those actions were hurtful to you.
It is not just some catch-all apology,
but they really understand what they did wrong.
Number 3, they are going out of their
way to humble themselves and confess their wrongdoings, not just to you,
but to all the people that were involved or affected in what happened.
They will do this because they know it is
the right thing to do without you having to put them up to it.
So they don't just apologize to you,
but they apologize in public, in front of others, in front of their kids
or your kids or to their parents or your parents or your shared community
of friends, to anyone who has ever slandered or defamed you to or whoever.
he has also hurt indirectly, by the way, that he treated you.
Number 4, they are heartbroken by what they did
and how much pain they have caused you and others.
They are heartbroken by how it has affected their relationship with God.
They have a hatred for the sin and they want to do what it takes to eradicate it
from their heart in order to be right with God and to also build a stronger
relationship with you, even if it is costly to them.
Number 5, they do not feel betrayed by those who call them out on their
wrongful behavior, but they see that what others did was actually a sign of God's
wake up call to get them back on the right track.
Number 6, they will lovingly and patiently give you
the space you need to feel safe and to trust them again.
And they will want to do whatever it takes to create a space with them where you feel
safe and secure, no matter how insecure or controlling or
untrusting, you might act towards them in the whole process.
So they will give you that space and they
will do it without getting impatient, annoyed, irritated,
without minimizing their actions or blaming you or making excuses or turning
the tables around, making you seem like you are the problem in the relationship.
They will never fault you for those things
because they understand that their betrayal has created those dynamics
of insecurity and mistrust in the relationship they will accept
that trust will take time to rebuild,
and that they are the ones that have to work hard to earn that trust again.
Number 7, they're seeking out healing on their own.
You are not the one doing the research
to find the books to recommend or you're not the one going out to see
the counselors for both of you to go to or the inner healing ministries to visit.
You are not the one telling them
it's what they need to do.
You're not the one talking them into this.
All of it is happening on their own, on their own initiative.
The reason they are pursuing healing is
because they don't like what they have become.
They recognize that they have issues and they are going out to do the deep work
on the inside so they can heal and grow from this
and not to repeat the same patterns.
Again, they are doing this for their own personal
growth, irrespective of whether you remain with them or not.
You staying or leaving should have no
bearing on if they stick it out with the healing or not.
Number 8, they seek to make restitution for their wrongdoing.
There's a difference between apologizing and making restitution.
Apologizing is asking for forgiveness.
But restitution is repairing the damage that was caused.
So these people aren't just apologizing, expecting now that you should just forgive
and forget and move on like nothing happened.
They are willing to do the work to make
restitution for all the damage that they have caused in the shipwreck.
They are willing to go above and beyond to show you that they have changed.
Number 9, they are willing to be accountable and vulnerable with someone
who is more mature, seasoned and can call them out on their B.S..
I'm not talking about your narcissist going through the motions of seeing
a counselor or an elder in your church who knows nothing about narcissistic abuse
and personality disorders or abuse in general.
If your abuser is a narcissist,
they are likely con artists and they know how to manipulate people.
They know how to manipulate counselors and therapists and psychologists.
They know how to put on a show
with the pastor and the leaders and people in church.
So your narcissist needs to be willing to subject themselves to someone who is
more mature and seasoned in life than them and will give that person complete liberty
to call them out on anything they are doing wrong.
So if a narcissist or abusive person
in your life is also doing these ten steps I just listed,
then if they are also adding some kind gesture to it, you can be sure it is
coming out of a sincere and repentant heart.
But if you notice, they have not initiated even one of these steps I just listed,
beware.
The nice gesture may appear to be an apology, but it is likely a control
tactic to lure you back again into more abuse.
So I just gave you 10 signs of what genuine repentance looks like.
Let me tell you now what repentance is, not just to make the contrast.
So this whole video drives things home really well.
So here is what repentance is not.
#1, someone who uses an apology to segway
into excuses, explanations, defensiveness and blame, shifting
#2, tears and crying, but no change of behavior.
#3,
the apology is vague and general, but is not clear or specific on the wrongdoing.
#4, there is no acknowledgment or
understanding of your emotions and how their behavior affected you.
#5, the person only goes for healing or
treatment when they realize you are serious and are planning to leave them or
do something that will be unpleasant to them.
#6, they give you gifts out
of the blue or they act nice for no reason after they have been abusive.
So by accepting their gifts, you are accepting their lies.
You are allowing them to strengthen the trauma bond that you have with them.
#7, they refuse to be accountable to anyone.
They want to keep things extremely private.
They think the issue can just remain between them and you and God.
But this is not about respecting their privacy.
This is about securing their control over
you and keeping things hidden and in the dark.
If this person claims to know God and love
God, they should have no problem being transparent and walking in the light as
Jesus is in the light and as the scriptures tell us to do so.
Friends, I hope these tips were helpful.
If there is a narcissist in your life, who has not shown any of the steps of genuine repentance and you
notice some of these red flags, please don't fall for it,
focus on rebuilding your life and moving forward.
If you went through a breakup or a blow
up, you may have lost friends and family in the aftermath of what happened.
You may feel like you lost the best years of your life with this person.
You may miss them like crazy.
You may feel so daunted at having
to rebuild your life after this person is gone.
And it can feel so tempting to go back to what is familiar to what you know.
But I just want to encourage you.
It is worth all the uncomfort, the uncertainty and the pain to be free.
Believe me, it is so worth it.
Life is hard.
Staying with an abuser will be hard and leaving the abuser will be hard.
So choose the hard that is going to give you the best outcome in your life.
I say there is no price for freedom, so keep fighting on this path to freedom.
Don't believe the lie that you have lost your life.
God has great things in store for you.
Turn your life to Him and you will be amazed at what he can do.
The doors He can open for you, the people he can bring into your life.
God is the God who restores the years, the locus of eaten.
He is the God of abundant redemption.
He will redeem the things you have lost.
You can count on Him to see you through this.
He will bring people into your life
and resources and enable you to fulfill your purpose, the thing you came in this
world to do. You have precious gifts and talents that this world needs right now.
So keep fighting that fight for your freedom.
It is worth gold and don't give up.
If you know someone who is going through a difficult breakup or separation
from an abusive person and they are vulnerable, share this video with them so
that they are not lured back into control and trauma.
If you have left a toxic or abusive
environment and you are in a season of transition, I have a gift for you.
It is a training on three key ways to navigate the difficult transition.
These are things that brought a massive
breakthrough in my life when I was going through a difficult transition.
I have included the link below.
So this brings me to the end of my video.
Have you ever been in a toxic or abusive
relationship with a narcissist and did you ever see a change of heart?
I would love to read your experiences in the comments section below.
If you would like to see more content for me and you have not subscribed, go ahead,
click the subscribe button and click the little bell so that you can get
the alerts, because every week I will be posting a new video to empower you
to navigate toxic relationships in your life.
I appreciate you so much.
Thank you for watching till the next time.