- So what is it that high quality men deeply desire?
What is it that they want above everything else?
And what are some things you can do to activate that desire?
That's exactly what we're gonna talk about today.
Check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs,
the founder of the Love and Relationship Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering you
to create a life you love and that includes your love life.
And so if you like this video, take a moment
and click the Subscribe button and click that little bell
because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
So what is it that men deeply desire above all else?
That's what we're gonna talk about right now.
And to do that, let's jump in a time machine
and travel back hundreds of thousands of years,
to look at where we came from as human beings.
If you think about cavemen and cave women,
and what was most important to us
when we were living in tribes and just trying to survive,
it was having enough and being enough.
And if we weren't enough,
not capable enough to hunt or together food
or to find a mate, if we weren't enough
then we wouldn't pass on our genes,
we wouldn't propagate our species.
The reason I bring these up is because these two fears
of not being enough and not having enough
are deeply hardwired into our being today.
Every single human being there are core fears:
What if I'm not enough?
What if I'm not attractive enough?
What if I'm not sexy enough?
What if I'm not strong enough?
What if I'm not successful enough and good enough provider?
What if I'm not enough?
That fear just triggers right to the heart of our being
and can stop us from moving forward in our love life.
The man's version of this, his greatest fear is inadequacy.
What if I'm not enough to provide and to protect?
Which are hardwired in us.
The two main things that we are called to do
as masculine men is to provide and to protect.
So the greatest fear is inadequacy.
So the greatest then desire is the antithesis of that.
It´s the other side of the coin.
His greatest desire is to be enough
but there's a particular flavor of this
it's to be enough, how does he know when he's enough?
In a relationship is when his thoughts are respected.
Because, think about the caveman
when he's going out to catch lunch, to hunt food,
whether he goes east or west,
determine whether he was successful or not.
His strategy for catching that food,
determine whether or not he would come home empty-handed
or come home with food that would help his family survive.
And so, as he's providing for you,
this food, your response to him,
your reaction to him validated his effort.
So a man's greatest desire is to feel respected,
to have his thoughts respected.
That is his greatest desire.
And there are three things that you can do
to help activate that in him.
And let me present it this way,
most people say, what is a man's greatest desire?
His greatest desire is to have sex, right?
His number one aim is to have sex,
they wanna propagate their species and all of that.
And while that is a major desire, no doubt,
what's even higher than sex is respect.
Because a man in a relationship who's being disrespected
over and over and over and over again,
he won't even be able to get it up to have sex.
Respect is paramount for men.
And so there are three practices
that help a man feel respected,
that help a man activate that desire in him.
The first one is called, choose to need a man.
And I shared this in an earlier video
and women said, I want you to speak more about this.
Choose to need a man is very different than needing a man.
You see needing someone,
comes from this place of incompleteness,
needing a man says, I'm not whole until I'm with you
and you're the one who's gonna make me whole.
And that is dysfunctional.
Two incomplete people coming together
don't complete each other
just creates an incomplete relationship.
A healthy relationship are two whole people
who choose to create needs for each other
in each other's life.
They choose to need each other.
You choose as an amazing, smart, talented, powerful woman
to need your man because you choose
to create shared experiences with him.
A shared experience by definition requires another person.
Now you can provide for yourself,
you can take care of yourself,
but you choose to make love with someone.
You choose to go on walks together,
you choose to travel together
because you want those experiences in your life.
And so therefore you're choosing to need a man.
And this is so important because here's the deal,
men need to be needed.
We need to be needed.
It's vital for our survival because when we're not needed,
we become unnecessary, we become irrelevant.
And when a man feels irrelevant,
when a man feels unnecessary, he begins to die inside.
So the first step is to choose to need your man
and you create this beautiful space for him
to move into with his masculine energy.
The second principle for activating his desire
for showing him that you respect him and who he is,
is to count on his competence.
Count on his competence.
What that means is that believe in his ability
to provide what you want.
The only way to do this,
you can't do this through your words.
This can only be done through your actions,
through leaning back
and creating space for him to deliver for you.
You say you want him to take you out,
let him make the plan.
Don't jump in and control
and micromanage when he's taking too long.
The trap that many people fall into
is they jump in and take control.
This is really easy
for the successful, high-powered, type A personality.
They say, oh, he's taking too long.
Let me just jump in and make the plan,
let me make it easy for them or let me tell how to do it.
That is okay if your only aim is to get the job done,
but in a relationship that's not your aim.
The main aim is connection, the main aim is attraction,
the main aim is the relationship.
And the only way for him to feel
that you believe in his competence,
you believe in his ability to do deliver what you want
is to lean back and let him do it.
Now, often if you have a feminine personality,
one of the drivers for you
is to make the world a better place.
And so it's very easy to offer advice,
to offer better ways to do something
especially if you see your man taking an approach
that's not the best way, I'll give you an example.
Now, before I give you this example,
what I want to preface this with is what I'm not saying
is you can never give advice or never criticized
or never offer better strategies to your man, you can
but just know that if you've asked him
to deliver something for you,
let him deliver that thing for you,
unless he's gonna hurt himself or hurt someone else.
If you want the experience of him feeling validated,
feeling his ability to provide you with something you want,
just let him give it to you.
And here's the example.
So my wife few months ago asked me
to cut this onion for her.
So she's making this big dinner, she's got this onion
she's like, "Babe, can you cut that onion?"
So instantly I'm feeling this masculine energy,
she wants me to provide her with this cut onion.
So I jump in there, grab the knife,
I start cutting this onion, tiny little dices.
Now preface this, I am not a chef,
my cooking skills are like a 1/4 of what hers are,
but I'm cutting this onion.
And they are the size of the pieces that she wants,
I say, "Babe, is this size what you want?"
She said yes, but she sees me cutting this onion
and she jumps in and she goes like,
"Babe, that's not how to cut the onion,
"let me show you a better way to get those pieces."
And so she grabs the knife, steps in
and starts cutting the onion.
I know this stuff, I know this principle
and it was so fascinating to feel my energy
and what was going on in that moment,
because I know that all she's trying to do is help,
she's just trying to teach me a better way to cut the onion.
And yet I could feel the ability to provide what she wanted,
that boost of energy being drained out of my body
in that moment.
So she shows me the way to cut the onion
and I said, great, I got back again,
I finished cutting the onion the way that she wanted
and I gave her this onion
and she said, thanks, gave me a kiss.
And then she finished cooking the rest of the dinner
and I was off taking care of the kids,
but I was noticing my body, wow!
I got some payoff for having delivered
what she wanted in the way that she wanted,
but not nearly the pay off
as if she had just let me cut the onion.
Now I was sharing this story with a client of mine
and then she was saying, "Well, so does that mean
"I can never offer advice on how to do something better
"when clearly I know the better way."
And the answer is no, there's a way to do it.
If my wife had actually instructed me
on how to cut the onion first and then gave me the mission,
I would have still gotten the payoff,
but it was right in the middle of me attempting the mission,
her saying, you're doing it wrong, do it this other way.
That's what circumvents the feeling of this payoff
that this masculine energy is looking for.
You see what we're talking about is his deepest desire.
It's okay to offer correction,
it's okay to offer better strategies.
But if what you want is to activate his desire,
then let him provide you with what you want
and give him the opportunity to do it his way,
that shows that you respect his thinking,
his strategy, his approach,
and he feels this payoff when he delivers it to you,
that's different than if he's being coached
all the way through it.
And this brings me to the third step,
which is called celebrate his job well done.
Now, he's gotta earn a job well done
to be celebrated for a job well done,
which makes this that much more powerful.
If he does a good job, celebrate him, acknowledge him.
He gives you the food that he's just prepared
and it's in the way that you want.
Even if he didn't do it in the method that you want it,
it's this, oh my gosh babe, phenomenal, good job,
thank you for doing this,
and that validates his effort.
You see, we often think
that men wanna provide you with something.
It's not the thing they wanna provide you.
Men wanna provide you with happiness,
men wanna provide you with what you want.
The only way that he knows he's done that
is if you acknowledge it,
if you let him know, oh my gosh this makes me so happy,
thank you oh my gosh, this hit the spot for me, oh my gosh.
Whatever that is, acknowledge his job well done
and that will trigger a flood of feel good chemicals
in your man.
What your man wants most,
his deepest desire is to feel respected.
The only way that that happens is if he knows
that he's providing for you in the way that you want.
And how you do that is you choose to need him for things,
you count on his competence by giving him missions
and then you celebrate his job well done.
Those three C's are incredibly powerful.
I'll give you one phrase that will blow his mind,
I call this the U.P.P. the Ultimate Praise Phrase.
And this is one that my wife actually gave to me
and I was like, oh my gosh, this was so good.
We're driving in the car and we're just hanging out,
we're just chatting.
And then out of the blue, she looks at me
and she goes, "Babe, I want you to know you're doing
"a great job of being my man."
I was like, "Wow, that's an amazing compliment,
"what makes you say that?"
And then she listed several things
that I had done that week.
Like the way that I play with the kids
or the way that I show up for her here,
different things I had done.
And when we arrived to where we were going,
I had this whole feeling of this masculine energy.
It was amazing, the effect that that phrase had on me.
You do a great job of being my man, 'cause guess what?
That's what your man wants most above all,
he wants to know he's doing a great job of being your man.
So there you have it, three ways to activate a man's desire.
And my question for you is what have you found
as ways to activate a man's desire?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
Thanks so much for watching, I appreciate you
and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)