- Wags. - Wags.
Wags.
Ever get tired of working for a living?
Every damn day.
But I've got a nasty addiction called money,
so I do what I do.
Showtime, folks.
I'm right, because this is the down and dirty,
and I happen to be both.
I wipe my ass with $8 million, $9 if I'd had an acai bowl.
Your ego just wrote a check your body can't cash.
Fees are religion, and money is his god.
I don't want to invest in it.
I want to get on it.
If I hadn't been very rich, I might've
been a really great man.
Yo, bitches--
[LOUD CHATTERING]
--saddle up.
Body sushi at the strip joint-- on me.
[CHEERING]
We're going clubbing tonight, which you know is my métier.
[MOANING]
Oh, that's my cue.
Give it another five or six minutes.
Then finish it off, pig.
You're a dear.
Good luck with your dissertation.
Ah, the Fleshlight, the repository
for all of the sadness of the male world.
My idea was that drinking, women, and drugs
were the perfect balance, an infinite zen garden.
Doing lines off hookers' hip bones,
my cell phone in one hand, and--
Uh-uh.
Golden frog poison.
Hmm.
I tried to smoke it once.
Shaman jumped across the tent to stop me.
Can you legally possess those in the US?
I have a prescription, of sorts.
Another reason why I won't be there for that part.
Neither will I. I'll just hand them out.
I'm working on a project.
Take a fucking seat.
I can't.
Why are you wearing sweatpants?
I woke up in a hotel this morning.
You're living in the fucking Pierre.
This was the Americana Suites, some shit dive
next to Port Authority, lit my ass on fire,
and I saw I had a tattoo.
On your ass?
Yeah.
You got an ass tattoo?
All evidence points to that being the case.
I need to see it.
You want to--
No, don't want to.
No, I need to.
What the fuck is that?
Is that Yosemite S--
[SIGHS] I think so.
I was a fan.
Why should I trust you to do anything other than point me
to the nearest avocado toast?
So go generate some speedballs he can dazzle with,
or go the fuck home for good.
Take it.
Fucking take it right fucking now or suffer my wrath forever.
When the meeting calls for an organ grinder's monkey
to come shake his cappuccino cup for nickels,
we'll let you know.
You're literally breathing down my neck.
I can literally feel a hot breath on--
Say "literally" again, and I will light you
on fire like a dragon of yore.
My vengeance will come like I do--
slow, thunderous, and in your eye.
You don't put ginger on the fish.
It's to clear the palate between pieces, not drown it out.
And it is already precisely sauced,
doesn't need a soy bath.
Chill out, Mr. Miyagi.
[LAUGHTER]
No, I won't, you fucking heathens.
This man is an artist.
He had to spend 10 years learning how
to make the tamago, the egg--
the egg!
Your expense accounts don't entitle
you to fuck his art up the ass.
Dude, that's it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, settle.
Settle, Wags.
Fuck, hold up.
It's Mike Wagner, Max Capital.
Apologies for the disrespect.
I've tried with folksy people.
They find me to be a rapacious scumbag.
I'm sorry to break it to you, but I don't think
it's just the folksy people.
How about you?
You're my rapacious scumbag.
This is what love is.
Why do you come in here?
It's a great place to jerk off when you're not around.
On like Chaka Khan.
(RAPPING) Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan,
let me rock you.
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan.
Let me rock you.
That's all I want to do.
Wags, get me with Daymond John.
Ooh, papa shark.
I'll toss him on his ass.
Like Victor Maitland did to Axel Foley.
I lost another-- one to the pole and one to Jesus.
It tasted as sweet as the Mata Hari's armpits.
We have to be more pure than the Virgin Mary
before her first period.
You see an opportunity like that again,
you grab it like it's a horse cock,
and your Catherine the Great.
[DOOR OPENS]
There's a problem with the short.
You too?
I'm glad you're here, Taylor.
You should both know.
I have two things to disclose.
One, I'm old pals with Stewie Rask.
He even lets me sing the Glenn Frey parts.
Touching, but you said you had two things.
What else do you need to disclose?
Stewie just kicked me out of the band.
I've got to say, I'm not feeling the strategy.
Then it's a good thing your feelings
aren't a fucking priority.
It's fucking great to be back.
Fucking. Fucking
Fuck. Fuck.
Fucking.
Fucking motherfuckers.
Motherfuckers.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is going on?
What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Get the fuck out of here.
Fuck, yeah.
You can go fuck yourself.
OK, fuck this.
And if you think that was a waste of your fucking time--
What the hell is this?
And really, unbelievably done.
Him is me, right?
He manipulated me, and you're congratulating him for it?
Want to hear a funny story?
Not really.
I need help.
You've always needed help.
What's different now?
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Smoother, any difference?
This thing's supposed to zap wrinkles.
Who's ready to do some smiling and dialing?
It's better to accept who I am than fight it.
[SOBBING]
[LOUD WAILING IN DISTANCE]
That was bracing.
As you wish, my leige.
Copy [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].
Indube.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[NON-ENGLISH], Commandant.
And cut that shit out.
Whatever you say, amigo.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]