so let me get this straight you want me
to go visit my sick mom I haven't talked
to in years in prison the day before my
wedding
correct not happening did I
do to you to make you hate me so much
I am baffle maybe you don't
remember but you were basically the
worst parent ever me I did everything
for you buddy and I never gave you an
ounce of about nothing never gave
me nothing I gave you a snake yeah died
after day all your quaaludes that was
the only time anybody's ever seen a king
cold brother laughs and I take pride man
so you yeah great you know what I
basically had to raise myself Donnie I
never learned how to swim I don't even
know how to ride a bike
you know humiliating that is
what about mr. Mitty remember him what
no what's that mr. minear yeah I used to
put another meet in my hand he would
cheer you up all the time when you were
sad don't be upset young man I'm your
best man even though I'm a nothing man
no I don't remember that okay you know
what I do remember you making me drive
you home from the beach cuz you got too
drunk it makes sense to me when
somebody's hammered they have another
guy drive home I was eight but you look
14 because you were such a huge fat
I'm sorry you're such an
dude you're a millionaire now and you're
marrying a hot chick I must have gotten
a pretty decent job as a dad don't you
think oh yeah you want to check in on
your pretty decent job oh my god you're
a junkie who's your supplier cuz I spat
that mother around
it's insulin you dick I'm a diabetic cuz
you let me cake and lollipops for
breakfast every day but that's what you
asked for you're supposed to say
no
you know I weighed 400 pounds by the
time I was 12 you know how hard it was
to take that weight off all right all
right I didn't know what I was doing I
had no one helping me grandpa was a
psycho you know that my soul oh don't be
like this I'm a good person okay don't
call me that
all right my name is Todd now call
yourself han solo you're dressed like
him good one
I'm just saying buddy
sheesh do you have any Axe body spray no
Donny I don't have any Axe body spray
because I'm not a douche bag as
a douche bag thing when did that become
a douche bag alright you know waiting up
a little bit we got a party to attend
hey whoa good person how about you put
on a tie okay it's a cocktail party not
a Quiznos opening what Haven wanted
sighs since my mother's funeral when I
was three I'm not gonna start that up
again that's great put on a tie no put
on a tie I'll never sell out I'll give
you a hundred bucks where's your daddy
[Music]