Mom! Mom, I'm not okay!
Piper, we're trying to study here.
I'm talking to my mother.
Hey, Piper.
Oh, man, Jasper's here?!
Is that makeup on your face?
You knocked my phone in the toilet!
- Oh, sorry. - Sorry?!
We love you, Kid Danger!
Kid Danger is so hot.
Yeah, you don't wanna be saying that.
You butt dialed Jana Tetrazzini!
So?
I hate Jana Tetrazzini!
Then why do you keep her number in your phone?
[sighing]
I was supposed to be Taylor Swift!
Well, you don't look very much like Taylor Swift.
Yeah, 'cause your husband ordered me the wrong costume!
My name is Dad.
Oh my God!
The creature!
[screaming]
Mom!
Uh, wait, come back!
- Piper did it! - Security!
But... but... it wasn't my fault!
I didn't know my phone would hit the button!
I'm a victim! St-- I'm a victim!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?
You had plans with Henry and he blew you off,
and you're just gonna be all, "Oh, I guess I'll just go home then."
What should I do?
I don't know, be a man!
Kid, your friend already accepted my offer of 200
It's my playhouse, and I'm not selling it!
You can't just change your mind in the middle of--
[screaming]
Wait, wait, wait! Come back!
Hi, Paula Makiato.
I wanna join your club so much,
I'm gonna eat a bowl of... hair soup.
How does this harpoon work?
Oh, be careful with that!
"Be careful with that!"
What is this?!
Oh. This is the last piece of wedding cake from when your dad and I got married.
Gluten.
Sorry kid, rules are rules.
You better not!
[mumbling]
Uh.
Come on, girls!
I'm still in charge!
Why July?
'Cause we're going to Six Poles to ride roller coasters.
And when you're on crutches, they let you cut to the front of the line.
You're so bad.
Hi.
Great. Now look surprised.
Cool. Now, duck face.
Piper, will you stop?
There's a river of glue and apple juice, too.
'kay.
Henry snuck out of his room last night and didn't sneak back in
until one in the morning!
There's almost no chance any of these kids
are gonna guess the right number.
I got it! I guessed the number!
Yay.
It's okay.
I'm a life coach.
Tell me the secret.
Alright.
The secret is--
Ah!
I mean, do you want the $10,000 reward or not?!
- Yeah. - Cool.
Then why didn't any of you find the Wall Dogs?
Well, I was looking for 'em downtown,
but when I was crossing Fourth Street, I fell down
and a motorcycle ran over my tummy!
Wait! Wait, I need fast internet.
Fine, just get outta here!
I'm already gone.
Well you know what?! Your bar mitzvah was lame!
Sha-butt! Sha-lame!
[screaming]
Holy, jeez.
Wait. Stay in front of the camera! This is internet gold!
Beat this, AC Dauber.
I'm sorry I broke your hat.
I've got got my good camera!
Chloe, fix your makeup.
Uh, I'm not wearing makeup.
Yeah, that's my point.
I'm Piper Hart.
This is cold yoga.
I'm your instructor.
Let's start with a simple downward freezing dog.
[grunting]
[screaming]
Ah!
[laughing]
Got it!
Ha-ha! You have been caked!
Merry Christmas, ladies.
Hey, Hen, when did you text me a video?
Henry!
Henry! Uh.
Oh, I'd love to, but I've already invited three friends
to the concert and I'm donating my other four
to some poor children.
- Wow. - What?
You're... so nice.
Ah. You're so nice for saying I'm so nice.
♪ Drake, you came back. ♪
Don't change the channel!
Dang it, Piper, you're not even watching TV!
I am so.
No, you're looking at your phone and your laptop and your Pear Pad.
And the TV.
Steven, ooh, Gouda.
[screaming]
- What? - I got spaghetti up my nose.
Been there.
Look at all those stars.
Ah, so stupid.
[screaming]
What's happening to me?!
I don't know. I don't know!
Dad, I'm so scared!
Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
[mumbling]
Hey!
Gabby wants you clowns to make some stuff with balloons.
But we--
We have to go.
So, do it.
Alright, I am your adult and I say we test your volcano again.
[sighing]
I'm so proud of you.
[screaming]
I'm not gonna lose my temper
because I've learned that if I do lose my temper--
[screaming]
Quit it! Put me down, you... you large man!
Yes. I think you will all find escape quite impossible.
Are you kidding me?! Are you kidding me?!
[screaming]
[speaking foreign language]
[laughing]
[speaking foreign language]
What the...
[speaking foreign language]
You sound weird on TV.
[screaming]
[fighting]
You ruined my date!
[music playing]
[grunting]
[music playing]
[grunting]
Now I've defeated three dudes.
Alright, that's it!
- Uh, Piper, I don't know if you wanna-- - Hey, skunk bag!
[screaming]
Piper, come on! Follow me!
Girls, be careful with those weapons!
And remember, Jeff is very stupid.
I heard that!
And then your president will fly straight up through the ceiling
and she won't stop until she hits the moon.
The moon?!
We are gonna pop this guy's neck pimple.
Yeah, this zits about to get real.
Get back here!
I am not giving you $1,000!
I'm trying to make our whole family rich!
Ow! Your knee is poking my heart!
- Oh. - Okay, here's some extra pillows!
- Uh! - Duh.
Okay, okay.
Piper did not deserve that.
Her name, Jana Tetrazzini.
Nooo!
These.
- What are-- - Wait for it.
Wha--
See, for every dollar that people donate,
I'm gonna add one rock to this pile that I'm gonna dump on my own head.
- What?! - And I'm already up to $794!
- Piper! - Don't touch me!
No, we just told him to come back in about an hour.
[screaming]
What?! I-I gotta go take a shower! Uh.
Oh, yeah, you do that!
Go take a nice long shower!
No. That is [unintelligible] doll! Give it!
Ah!
Up upstairs and blow your nose!
Right! Wait... why blow my nose?
You got something hanging out right here.
[screaming]
[music playing]
He is wonderful.
Isn't he?
Yeah. Where'd you find him?
Oh, I'll never tell.
[giggling]
I told you, I have to get this place ready
for 50 people to come here and watch the premiere
of the new Captain Man and Kid Danger cartoon.
I'm so psyched about it.
Yeah.
What is she doing?
Uh, I thought she was supposed to be the president of the Captain Man Fan Club.
Hey, baby, how was your nap?
Uh, long! Do you realize it's 7:55 p.m.?!
Hugo Chavez... could you take this, uh, child away.
Uh. Shuba dubba.
[grunting]
Piper's phone. Hey, Piper, your phones on the--
[screaming]
[panting]
[fighting]
What happened to me?
Well, uh, you sustained some minor injuries,
but luckily, we paramedics showed up, and you're gonna be okay.
[arguing]
It's mine!
[whistle blowing]
Go on, show 'em the door.
Wait. What?!
Oh come on.
She was taking my stuff!
Do I hear six?
Anybody want to pay $6,000 for this towel?
- $6,000! - $6,000 to my dad,
who's buying his on towel! That's pretty weird!
Do we hear me seven. Who will give me seven?
Hey, come on, Piper. I'm sure it's not that--
Oh my God, what happened to your hair?!
I don't know how much longer I can keep this cake from melting.
Then we better eat it now! I'll go first!
Ah, no.
[soft music playing]
[rock music playing]
[horn blowing]
Get outta the way!
[rock music playing]
[horn blowing]
Hear me! Hear me!
As your cactus queen,
I declare the Swellview Cactus Convention open!
Jana Tetrazzini did a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and got in the news.
So you're all gonna help me do a 10,001 piece puzzle
Because I don't lose to Jana Tetrazzini.
Piper, I'll speak to your father. You go scream into your screaming pillow.
Fine!
[screaming]
[laughing]
More.
I am so sorry about him.
My brother is Kid Danger.
But my brother is gross.
So Kid Danger is gross?
But I love Kid Danger!
So I love my brother?
[screaming]
I'm here with Piper Hart, who is sad.
This isn't about me, Brian.
It's about Otto.
And the Go Fund Yourself account I set up for my pity party.
Hey, guys, does catfish ever go bad?!
It's probably fine.
[heaving]
It's creamed possum.
You can put anything in soup.
It's just got to be wet.
Uh, I feel weird.
[groaning]
Stop eating poisonous moss!
I-I just-- I--
We'll steal your soul! Now, just close your dang eyes, Piper!
It knows my name!
I also know where you live! Now close your dang eyes!
It violates the terms of the agreement that I clicked on when I made the account.
Nobody reads those!
Willy Winkie running through the town, upstairs, downstairs in his nightgown.
Hey, Joss. Love your dress.
Thank you. I'm gonna wear it once, then throw it away.
[laughing]
Look at my leg!
I gotta look!
Ah! Ah!
♪ We hate it We hate it ♪
♪ We hate your stupid curse ♪
♪ We're sick of all the singing And think you're the worst ♪
♪ Okay, this is all a bit extravagant ♪
♪ Extravagant That's what I'ma name my pony ♪
♪ - Work - Work ♪
Okay, don't, don't freak out.
But, ah, there is a robot outside who is here to destroy you.
- What?! - See, I just told you not to freak out.
[screaming]
Right... left... left, right, left, right, left.
Thanks, now they're armed.
I still got my bat.
Look at his face, he's got murdery eyes.
Well, that's just too much mascara.
Stop laughing at memes about me!
How can we not? These memes are sweat.
So sweat.
I was minding my own business, talking really loudly on my cell phone
when this guy grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth.
I am Theranos and this is how you change the world.
Theranos, you mad woman!
"I'm excited to get to mow you."
" To mow you"
Yeah.
This is the lawn ranger.
- Yeah. - We get it.
I'm phoneless.
[gasping]
You poor thing.
Dad, I'm taking cash from your wallet
and going to the grand opening of an escape room!
If it's okay for me to stay out until midnight, say nothing!
Spent a lot of time in summer school,
ended up earning enough extra credits to graduate early.
- Senior! - Senior!
Senior!
[everyone] Woot! Woot! Woot!
This guy messes with you, he messes with us.
Okay, I'm just gonna push this into the safe zone.
Shh!
Jasper's fighting... while he sleeps.
Uh.
I'm dropping these jerks off at the airport,
Then Schwoz is gonna helicopter me in to Florida State.
Hurricane Piper about to make landfall, y'all.
Peace... and I cannot stress this enough...
snitches.