( APPLAUSE )
GENTLEMEN, IT'S LOUIS CATO AND OUR FRIENDS STAY HUMAN, RIGHT
OVER THERE ♪ MOVE ON UP.
MOVE ON UP!
♪ UP, UP ♪ >> Stephen: LOUIS, HELLO,
LOUIS, MY FRIEND.
HAPPY-- HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.
HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, MY FRIEND.
BUT RIGHT NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY SELECTING
AND PAIRING THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES WITH THE NEWSIEST TAKES
TO BREED FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS AND MAJESTIC WESTMINSTER DOG
SHOW-WINNING TIBETAN MASTIFF THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STEAL SOME DISCARDED 7-11
HOTDOGS TO LURE STRAYS INTO MY SHIPPING CONTAINER LABORATORY
AND WATCH THEM DO IT UNTIL THEY WHELP THE RABID ISLAND OF
DR. MOREAU MANGE-BEAST OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A LIFE RAFT.
IT'S AN ICE FLOW.
DRY LAND.
SAFE HARBOR.
MEANWHILE, A NASA ROVER SIGHTING HAS REIGNITED FEARS ABOUT HUMAN
SPACE DEBRIS.
"HUMAN SPACE DEBRIS," BY THE WAY, ALSO THE NAME OF MY SYNTH
POP DAD BAND.
NASA'S "PERSEVERANCE" ROVER LANDED ON MARS IN 2021 AND HAS
CAPTURED THIS PHOTO OF A PIECE OF THE THERMAL BLANKET FROM ITS
LANDER, AS WELL AS THE SITE OF ITS LANDING CRAFT LEFT STREWN ON
THE SURFACE OF MARS.
OKAY, IT'S NOT GREAT THAT WE'RE LITTERING ON OTHER PLANETS BUT,
WHAT IS THIS DEMENTED RELATIONSHIP WHERE NASA FORCES
"PERSEVERANCE" TO TAKE PICTURES OF IT'S OWN GARBAGE?
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
YOU LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!
NOW, YOU CLEAN YOUR LANDING SITE, OR YOU'RE NEVER COMING
HOME, MISTER!
WHICH REMINDS ME, YOU ARE NEVER COMING HOME."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEAN-- REALLY?
REALLY?
WOW.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS ABOUT SOCCER: THE METRIC SYSTEM OF
SPORTS.
EVERYONE KNOWS I LOVE ME SOME KICKY-KICKY-FLOP-FLOP, WHICH IS
WHY I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT FIFA HAS SELECTED 16 NORTH
AMERICAN CITIES TO HOST THE 2026 MEN'S WORLD CUP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S EXCITING.
THAT'S SUPER EXCITING.
I KNOW IT IS TO YOU.
AND IT'S REALLY HARD FOR FIFA TO CHOOSE THOSE CITIES, BECAUSE
THEY HAVE TO DO IT WITH THEIR FEET.
( LAUGHTER )
REVEALED ITS NEW MASCOT AND HERE IT IS: MURPH THE NERF.
APPARENTLY, MURPH WAS CREATED BY LETTING CHEWBACCA DO IT WITH A
KOOSH BALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, A 103-YEAR-OLD WOMAN HAS BECOME THE OLDEST TO
PARACHUTE OUT OF A PLANE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
POPULAR SENIORS GROUP AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-R-P.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-R-P.
THE WOMAN, ROOT LARSSON OF SWEDEN, GOT INTERESTED IN
PARACHUTING JUST BEFORE SHE TURNED 90.
REALLY?
90?
I'M 58, AND I'VE ALREADY LOST INTEREST IN STANDING UP
QUICKLY.
I MEAN, I'LL DO IT IN TANDEM WITH AN EXPERT.
I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHEN TO DEPLOY MY GLUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, A GROUP OF SOLDIERS IN THE U.K. WERE BOOTED FROM
NATO DEPLOYMENT AFTER HAVING AN ON-BASE ORGY.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN THE MILITARY: DISHONORABLE
DISCHARGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN ONE OF THE CLEAREST SIGNS YET THAT WE ARE,
IN FACT, IN THE END-TIMES, PEPSICO AND BOSTON BEER COMPANY
HAVE LAUNCHED THEIR FIRST ADS FOR THEIR HARD MOUNTAIN DEW, AS
THE COMPANIES TRY TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR THEIR SODA-ALCOHOL
COLLABORATION, AND THE CAMPAIGN IS CALLED "FREAK OUT
RESPONSIBLY."
( LAUGHTER )
SLOGAN: "DRIVE YOUR A.T.V. INTO THE NEIGHBOR'S POOL
RESPONSIBLY!" THE BEVERAGE IS AVAILABLE IN
FOUR FLAVORS, WITH 5% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME: ORIGINAL MOUNTAIN DEW,
BAJA BLAST, BLACK CHERRY, AND WATERMELON.
BUT THEY ALL CONTAIN THE SAME SECRET INGREDIENT: REGRET.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA THOMPSON AND PUPPIES!
♪ ♪ ♪