Welcome to the Man of Recaps, this is
the ridiculously abridged, 5 minute Game of Thrones recap!
The good guys are the Starks, they live in the North, and they're the ones who say "Winter is coming."
Ned Stark is good friends with the fat King Rob Baratheon,
but the Queen Cersei Lannister - is the worst.
She's got a twin brother Jaime, and they are into twincest, oh!
So the Prince Joffrey is an incest baby, and maybe that's why he's such a twat.
Ned Stark figures it out, but too late the King already died so Joffrey takes the throne...
And you thought Ned Stark was the main character, but his head's cut off!
His son Robb Stark is named King in the North, and he goes to war to avenge his father,
but he marries for love, breaking a betrothal, so he's betrayed and killed at the Red Wedding!
You thought he was the main character, but he's dead too.
The fat King's brothers both claim the throne, but Stannis is working with a Red Priestess,
who uses shadow magic to assassinate his brother Renly!
With the united army he sails for King's Landing, but the Lannisters have a surprise for him...
Wildfire! BOOM! Blows up his whole fleet.
So it looks like the Lannisters won, until Joffrey is poisoned at his own wedding!
And it looks like the killer is his uncle Tyrion!
Tyrion is the good Lannister, he's the dwarf who enjoys drinking and making funny quips.
His trial is a joke because his sister Cersei hates him, and his dad Tywin REALLY hates him,
so he demands trial by combat!
And it's the Viper versus the Mountain, epic... OH! Tyrion's guy won!
Until he starts showboating and OH! Gets his head crushed!
So Tyrion's sentenced to death, but his brother Jaime breaks him out,
but Tyrion swings by his dad's room, finds him on the pooper, and BOOM! Crossbows him!
Now across the sea is Daenerys Targaryen, the last living member of the old Targaryen dynasty.
She marries Horse-Barbarian Khal Drogo, making her the Khaleesi.
She gets some dragon eggs as a wedding gift, but dragons are extinct - they definitely won't hatch.
Long story short though Khal Drogo dies, and the dragons do hatch! Woah!
She trades a dragon for a slave army, but then just kidding I'm keeping both!
BOOM! Conquers Slaver's Bay and frees all the slaves.
She loiters for a few seasons, but then Tyrion meets up with her,
and she's sailing for Westeros to claim her birthright - the Iron Throne!
Now Ned Stark had a bastard son named Jon Snow. He joins the Night's Watch,
who guard The Wall from the terrors beyond - the White Walkers! Don't worry they're just a myth...
But turns out they're not so mythical, and they raise an army of Ice-Zombies!
But the Night's Watch doesn't like that Jon made friends with the Wildlings,
so they mutiny and Julius Caesar him!
Oh! You thought he was the main character, but now he's dead too.
Except the Red Priestess was there, and casts revive on him!
Oh! Jon Snow back to life!
He gets his friends together to reconquer Winterfell from Ramsay Bolton, who's a very bad guy.
He's also a bastard, so they have an epic Battle of the Bastards!
Jon wins and now they name him the King in the North!
Now Ned Stark had a bunch of kids, we'll start with Sansa the pretty one,
who was engaged to Joffrey, but he was awful to her,
then they married her to Tyrion, who was nice to her,
but then they married her to Ramsay, who was the worst.
But now she's safe in Winterfell - a strong independent woman.
Arya Stark is a cute little fighter. She wanders the countryside,
and eventually is invited to join the Faceless Men assassin's guild!
She trains to become a master assassin, but decides she doesn't like killing random people,
so she quits and goes home to kill people for vengeance!
Bran Stark caught the Lannisters twincesting in episode 1,
so Jaime pushed him out the window! And now he's crippled.
but the fall awakened his psychic tree powers,
so he travels beyond the wall to Super Tree,
and trains with the Three-Eyed Raven to learn how to see the past.
Down in King's Landing, Cersei has trouble with a militant new religious group
who makes her do a naked walk of shame through the streets!
She gets revenge by blowing up the entire church!
All of her enemies in one fell swoop!
And she names herself Queen on the Iron Throne.
Daenerys is here now to take it from her, and her dragons are fully grown!
But the real war is up in the North. Jon Snow's going to fight 'em,
and Daenerys brings her dragons to help.
But the Night King, FWOOM spear... Oh! Kills a dragon!
Cersei agrees to a truce while they all fight the zombie-pocalypse, but of course she was lying!
Her brother Jaime's been on a series-long redemption arc ever since he got his hand cut off.
So he bails on his sister-girlfriend, and rides north on his own.
Jon Snow and Daenerys are both really hot, so they get it on!
But, turns out Jon Snow is not Ned Stark's son, it was his sister Lyanna Stark's son,
And his father was Rhaegar Targaryen!
Oh! That makes Jon Snow the true king of the Iron Throne!
Hilariously this makes him Daenerys' nephew, but they don't know that yet,
and aunt-nephew incest is relatively tame for Game of Thrones - we're ok with it.
And now the army of the dead is marching south.
Luckily there's a huge Wall in the way, there's no way they could get past that...
Unless they had a dead dragon lying around that they could resurrect as a zombie dragon!
BOOM! Blue flame! And The Wall comes crashing down!
The army of the dead is marching on Westeros, and Winter has come!
So there you have it, now you're basically caught up for the final season--
Except there's about a hundred important characters I didn't even get to mention,
and a lot of fun interesting plot points I totally skimmed over!
So if your interest is piqued, go watch my big recap!
I go into full detail so it feels like a real rewatch.
Plus I'm in costume! How fun is that!?