-Thank you.
My name is Ahamed Weinberg.
[ Laughter ]
Thanks, my parents wrote that joke.
[ Laughter ]
Appreciate it.
[ Laughter ]
My dad is a Jew who converted to Islam,
which is the reason the answering machine
in my house growing up was, "Asalaam alikum,
you're reached the Wienbergs.
[ Laughter ]
Please leave a message."
Nobody left a message, ever.
[ Laughter ]
If they did, it was 20 seconds of silence.
[ Laughter ]
And then, some guy would be like, "Dude, hang up."
[ Laughter ]
My mom was raised Irish-Catholic.
She was one of 10, and then she converted
to Islam.
And then my parents met, and they said, "It's on."
[ Laughter ]
They said, "Let's make the weirdest kid possible."
[ Laughter ]
They said, "Let's make a human being whose only
career option is stand-up comedy."
[ Laughter ]
And that's why I'm here.
[ Laughter ]
I was raised white.
[ Laughter ]
People wonder if it's hard to be a Muslim in America,
and it's actually pretty easy.
You just be white, you know?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
It truly -- It makes everything easy.
It's like -- Being white is like having
a bicycle in a traffic jam of racists, you know.
Like, when you're white, you look around and everyone's like,
"I'm stuck!
I can't get where I wanna go!"
And white people are like, "Oh, you just go between, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Just get where you're going."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, people are scared of Islam, you know?
And I just wanna say, like, my parents are not terrorists,
okay? They're emotionally invasive.
[ Laughter ]
You know, growing up I thought they ruined my life,
but it wasn't a global concern, you know.
[ Laughter ]
If you're scared of Islam, just know that my parents are
normal, homophobic people.
[ Laughter ]
And that, by the way, is not Islam.
That's just getting old.
That's what happens. [ Laughter ]
As the world changes, you become scared of things.
Like, I'm gonna be ignorant, I just don't know how.
[ Laughter ]
I'll be at the table with my family just like,
"Listen, ain't no computer screwing my daughter!
[ Laughter ]
I swear, Brandi! You bring home another robot..."
[ Laughter ]
And she's like, "Dad, he's AI. He's perfect for me."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "I don't care! Where's my vape pen?"
[ Laughter ]
I, like, get on my hoverboard and just leave.
[ Laughter ]
They're like, "Old Man Wienberg."
[ Laughter ]
My grandma's more scared of technology than me.
Like, she's scared of e-mail.
Like, she clicks "send" and she's like, "Where'd it go?"
[ Laughter ]
She doesn't understand e-mail!
She doesn't understand it, which is crazy 'cause
I understand e-mail 'cause I grew up with it, you know.
What I don't get is the regular mail.
[ Laughter ]
The regular mail is crazy.
Every time I put a letter in a mailbox, my first thought is,
"There's no way that works."
[ Laughter ]
How do we trust that box next to the trash can...
[ Laughter ]
...every time?
[ Laughter ]
I am scared of apps.
I think they replace things in our lives,
like Tindr has replaced my heart.
[ Laughter ]
Uber has replaced ambulances.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, if you're in trouble, Uber's way cheaper.
Just so you know.
[ Laughter ]
But seriously, like, there could be an app soon
that replaces the cops.
That'll be next big app.
It'll be called "Help."
[ Laughter ]
It's just spelled with a "Y" somehow.
[ Laughter ]
Your house is getting robbed.
You're like, "Lets try 'Hylp,' dude!
Why not?"
[ Laughter ]
And that's scary, 'cause that'll be me
coming to save you.
[ Laughter ]
That'll be unemployed Millennials,
like, trying to pay off their student debt.
You buy a gun, you're like, "Yeah, I'm on 'Hylp' now.
It's a...."
[ Laughter ]
I get 8 bucks every life I save, you know.
[ Laughter ]
Plus tips, so."
[ Laughter ]
And your house is getting robbed,
you look at your phone,
it's like, "Andrew with an AK-47
will be there...
[ Laughter ]
...in 23 minutes."
[ Laughter ]
You're like, "Three stars? What is this?"
[ Laughter ]
And then, Andrew shows up late.
He's like, "Sorry, my Uber driver's an idiot."
[ Laughter ]
All right, that's it for me. Thank you very much, guys.