Hey guys, welcome back. Thank you for joining me for another video if you are new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I'm a life and relationship coach this week. I want to dive into healthy
Love I get a lot of questions from people asking me what does a healthy relationship even look like?
I don't know if I've been in one. I'm in a marriage for 20 years and I still don't really know
so one of the biggest things towards a healthy relationship is
responsibility so you have to be willing to take responsibility for
Yourself as well as your partner, they have to take responsibility for themselves. What do I mean by that? That means that you're gonna own?
when you are offended when your moon has been triggered when your ego is involved when you said something you shouldn't have
When you react in a way that you know is unhealthy and a lot of us
I feel like at times when we get into like either discussions or arguments or anything like that
We do know that like the stuff that we're feeling is our stuff, but we just want to put it on someone else
So being able to take responsibility for yourself
While it is literally the healthiest thing that you're gonna start doing for yourself whether you're in a relationship or not
The same goes for your partner if two people are always taking
Responsibility for how they feel when I tell you a lot of conflicts will not happen a relationship
you'll actually have more respect for each other because
You know that someone's kind of owning their stuff and they're not trying to put it on you
So that is like healthy relationship 101
so the next thing and it kind of ties into a taking responsibility for ourselves is
Being able to have conflict and it be healthy. So we're going to get into arguments
We're gonna get into
discussions that might get a little heated because we're human and we have egos and like all of that type of stuff and we have
A lot of opinions but being able to have healthy dialogue with someone else which is respectful
which is listening to someone else's side of the story is
Literally, it's essential that's essential for any relationship
Let alone, you know a romantic relationship with your partner, but it's essential for your relationship with your friends coworkers families things like that
Where you can be a healthy adult and be able to have a verbal discussion with someone and kind of hold on herself, right?
So holding onto yourself is your ability to own your stuff to take
Responsibility for yourself for your energy what you're putting out there
The attitude you're giving the tone that you're talking in all of that kind of stuff
so with healthy conflict really being able to get to like what is the root of what's going on if we can have
Empathy which is the next thing right healthy relationships need empathy
Being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes to see where they're coming from even if at times you don't agree
Being able to say even to yourself like while I wouldn't agree with that
Well, I wouldn't think that way she does or he does and I have to respect
my partner for what they think and how they feel and as long as it's not something that's
compromising your own values and your own beliefs then this is kind of where
How does the saying go like pick and choose your battles? Right? Like if it's something that isn't really?
Hurting you, but you just need to be able to have a little bit more empathy for some what someone else is feeling
that is so unbelievably healthy because that means that you're learning how to remove your ego from
situations and actually be in a space for someone else the next thing and I really love this and I feel like people really
Overlook this in the beginning phases of relationship is any healthy relationship it?
progresses at a
Normal healthy pace so it doesn't go from 0 to 60 and when you're codependent and when you're meeting a narcissist
It's gonna go from zero to 60 when you're codependent and you just want to like hurry and get married
hurry up and fall in love like all these things like
Overlooking red flags because I just I don't care like I don't want to think about the red flags
Like I just want what I want and I'm not using any logic. I'm just strictly going off of emotion
your relationship is not moving at a healthy pace and
When you become healthy yourself, that's why I always say this when you're healthy
You will attract a healthy partner because the energies of someone who is healthy is not going to link up with an abuser
That's just you're not gonna even be attracted to that person. It doesn't matter what they physically look like
I'm sure we've all met someone that we can say. Okay. Yeah, they're attractive but I don't want to be with them
That's when talking about there's an energy there that you're just not even attracted to
so what you want to do is learn how to get yourself in a space where you want to
Pace yourself in a relationship now. Why do we pace ourselves?
because as you're beginning to date and while you're in this relationship
You need to be with someone over a period of time to see number one do their do their words
Match up with their actions or do the actions match up with their words
And this is where we really begin to like build trust within the relationship
This is where we really get to see a person for who they are and their character
So that stuff you can't do if after a month you decide to get married, don't get me wrong
There are plenty of people that have gotten married very quickly and their relationship worked out. I 100% understand but is
It a healthy relationship
Is there a relationship that they can consciously?
Say or honestly say to themselves like is a good relationship for that and even if it is that's absolutely amazing
I personally think those are kind of one-in-a-million situations, but even in those situations that couple had to learn
About each other and they had to learn how to compromise me probably to work on themselves and work on their relationship
And just like any relationship it does take work, but you want to make sure that it's like good work healthy work
I don't want to say easy work because I don't want to put that out there like a relationship should be so easy and anytime
You hit a bump you just give up because it's not easy because that's actually a lot of the reasons why
relationships fail because people are thinking that the grass is greener and they don't want to actually
do the work that a relationship should take um
But I also think a lot of the times - you're just linking up with people that are not
healthy and not right for you and the next thing and this is what most people will say when they think of like
Okay, what does a healthy relationship?
entail and they'll say you know honesty respect things of that sort and respect is definitely a big one and I think that when you
Really value a person you're going to respect their difference of opinion
You're going to they're going to respect when you set a boundary
I always say that someone that really really loves you
and this is really for the people that struggle with boundaries where maybe maybe they struggle just
Setting the boundary and some people actually struggle really enforcing the boundary
Enforcing the boundary tends to be more of your own stuff versus the other person
setting a boundary is where you struggle with what the other person is gonna think of you so
And I always say this the more you set boundaries with people and you be able to verbally communicate with people your standards you get
to see who a person really is you get to see whether or not they actually respect your boundary while if they actually
Respect you and then you can start determining whether or not someone's healthy for you
someone should be in your life and then
Having to make the decision on having someone not be in your life
That has to do with you that has to do in your own fears your own
Insecurities things that you have to deal with within yourself along with respect and value
Which I always think is like the most important thing because if you don't value a person you're not gonna respect them if you don't
Value a person then you're not gonna be loyal to them
If you don't value a person then you're not gonna be honest with them. So I think valuing someone for who they are is
Incredibly necessary
Towards not even just having a healthy relationship, but really just having a loving relationship
So think about people in your life that you really you value them you value what they bring to the table
You love them for exactly who they are. You are their cheerleader you support them
those are like the best relationships that's where it's like you're just in like your comfort zone of someone and it just feels
Really good that they support
you know your dreams and they look at all the hard work you do and they have
Admiration for you, and that's such a great feeling and we all want that but it starts with really valuing a person
So the next thing is balance and this is really important because you have to have equality in the relationship
you have to have both people coming to the table ready to work on things making an effort to make the relationship work and of
course, it's gonna be times where one person's putting in more work than the other absolutely, but I do think that
When that shift happens that the other person's aware and they want to keep like pointing in an effort as well
If both people are always putting in an effort in their relationship, that's a happy relationship because you're thinking about all right
Let me put this other person first
Let me treat them the way I did when I first started dating if you really focus on those areas
You're going to have a successful relationship
When you think about that beginning phase of a relationship?
We're always so kind and caring and sweet and romantic and empathetic and you know, we validate our partner
it's just it's a really amazing time to be because we're trying to put our best foot forward and
I honestly feel like that's something that really lacks in relationships as a relationship begins to progress and
marriage happen longevity happens life happens
Parents getting old happened jobs happen kids happen just bills happen all of the stuff that takes over. Um,
It's hard sometimes to I don't wanna say it's hard. Actually, let's completely erase that
let's be mindful of how we're treating our partner and the things that we're saying to them and when we get
frustrated because we're stressed out at work and we're taking it out on our partner when we're you know coming home and like
Seeing that maybe our husband had or a partner had a long day or a wife had a long day and the kids are going
Crazy and just being mindful of what someone else is going through and seeing where you could possibly help someone out and owning your stuff
Owning like hey, I just completely took that out on you. I'm really stressed out at work. You didn't deserve that
I'm so sorry. Just owning
That is I can't even tell you how
Important that is and how much that will really really help your relationship because you're getting so root of what's going on inside of you
And how you're taking that out on someone else if both people can do that?
Your you'll begin to compromise and communicate better because there's not going to be projection. There's not going to be
really this happening because you're both owning your own stuff the next thing and
Extremely important and something that's very very attractive is independence. Both people have to have their own lives
Something that you need aside from balance with your partner in terms of equality is balance with your own life
So you having your own friends you having your own?
Interests you having your own things that you do there outside of your relationship. That is very attracted
And if you are a person that is independent and you have your own friends you created your own life
you have your own happiness you get hooked up with someone who very needy and
Codependent and doesn't like to do things from themselves and doesn't want to put themselves out there
I always say not cute not Q and you will not be attracted to that person
and they're gonna be things that are really going to upset you because you've done all this work and someone else
This is their lesson maybe in life
but they're not doing the work as well and
They want to kind of always tag along and they always need to be around you and there are great things to be said about
You know having distance with a partner distance with anyone, right? It makes the heart grow fonder
It makes you really value and appreciate someone it gives you time away
So you can work on yourself go to the gym go to the spa go play basketball with your buddies
Just do your own thing because life doesn't completely change just because you're in a relationship you you're in a relationship
because
you're with someone to live life with but you're not like all of a sudden becoming one and you both have to have all the
Same interests all the same friends do everything together
Who wants to be in that kind of relationship?
And the last thing and it kind of just ties into everything
It's like the icing on the cake like be silly, you know life can be stressful. It can be hard at times
we have a lot of
responsibilities no matter how old you are how long you've been with someone like be silly learn to be in the moment learn to have
Fun learn to be a kid again and learn to laugh learn to get out of your comfort zone
That's when we're having the most fun right if we look at children if we look at a little child
It's Hodler where we're the reason why they're so happy is because they're in the moment of life. They're not worried about tomorrow
They're not thinking about yesterday. They're just kind of in the moment of what they're doing
It doesn't matter what you're doing. You could be in the kitchen cooking. You can be sitting on the couch doing nothing
Put on some music be silly dance around flirt with your partner just be playful with each other and not take everything. So seriously
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