Hello, I am Jodie Benveniste, psychologist and a parenting author and I help parents get
to the true heart of parenting.
In this vide we're going to talk about parenting styles
and which parenting styles works best for children.
We know from research that parenting is really important for children’s outcomes.
In fact the neuroscience literature really shows us that the relationships our children
have when they are growing up, and their environment, have a big impact on their
growth and development.
We also know from research that there is a parenting style that is best for children.
We can actually divide parenting styles into 4 main categories.
It might be that you use one or more of these different parenting styles at different times,
but you also might have a dominant parenting style that you rely on, particularly if
you are tired or stressed.
The authoritarian parenting style offers children lots of structure and boundaries and discipline.
Children who grow up with the authoritarian parenting style can be quite obedient but
they can also lack self-worth and not necessarily have great wellbeing, and that’s because
this parenting style can be a little bit too harsh and lack a bit of warmth and love.
The authoritarian parenting style doesn't allow children to make their own decisions.
Parents really want them to obey, to 'do what I say because I told you so'.
They tend to focus more on punishment than guiding and teaching their children good behaviour.
They can also parent based on their mood and can fly off the handle, rather than parenting
based on the situation of what their child's done.
And at school they can really have high expectations of their children, but sometimes they don’t
offer the love and support that children need to really do well at school.
With the authoritarian parenting style children might be obedient and they might do what you say
but they also might fear you which creates a disconnect between you and your child.
And is that based on the loving relationship that we really want to have with them?
Authoritarian parents do not take into account
their child’s temperament or their child’s stage of development
so they might have unrealistic expectations of their behaviour.
They might expect a 5 year old to do something they're not capable of doing until they are
at least 12.
Then they may punish the child because they haven't done what they've asked them to do, but
really that child does not have the development skills they need to be able to do what their
parents asked them.
With the permissive parenting style it's almost the opposite of the authoritarian style.
So parents who are permissive are very warm and loving, affectionate, very responsive
to their children but they don’t always provide the guidance and the structure and the
boundaries that kids really need to learn discipline and good behaviour.
Permissive parents might give in to their children, so if their child gets upset because
they want another chocolate biscuit, a permissive parent will just give them another biscuit.
Permissive parents aren't always great at setting consequences and following through
with actions.
So they may say that a child is only allowed to have an hour of screen time but then when it
comes to the end of that hour they don’t follow through.
Permissive parents don't always teach their child about how their own
behaviour, their child's behaviour, might be impacting others.
So their child might hit and snatch or bite another child and they don’t intervene and
then teach their child how to behave in a more appropriate way.
Permissive parents don’t always take into account their child’s temperament or their
stage of development.
And they don’t necessarily realise that children really do need those boundaries and structures
at every developmental stage so that they can progress through those milestones and help their
growth and development.
Children who grow up with permissive parents can feel loved but they can also lack self-discipline
because they have never been taught discipline.
They can lack those social skills about how to play well with others, and they can sometimes also be
a bit anxious and insecure because parents haven't set those boundaries for them.
When it comes to school they may lack the structure and the focus and the boundaries
that kids really need to be able to do well in their education.
The disengaged parenting style combines the lack of love and warmth of the authoritarian
parent and also the lack of discipline and structure of the permissive parent.
Disengaged parents take little interest in their children and they don’t really provide
guidance and boundaries and structure that children need to learn.
Disengaged parents might attend to their children’s basic needs but they won’t necessarily meet
their child’s deeper needs.
They tend to be a little more engrossed in their own life and their own needs and they can
sometimes be neglectful.
They don’t always provide the structure that children really need.
Like 'It's time to go to bed now', and 'It's time to do your homework', and
'It's time to cook a good meal and sit down together'.
They don’t always provide the love and warmth, the affection, the cuddles that kids really
need to thrive.
Children who grow up with disengaged parents will be socially withdrawn because they haven't
learnt those social skills.
They can be quite anxious and insecure because they haven’t had the boundaries they need.
They can also be out and about, getting into trouble, hanging around with the wrong crowds,
and skipping school because they don’t have someone looking out for them and supervising
them, providing the guidance they really need.
At school their parents probably have very low expectations
of them achieving, but also even attending
which means that the kids may be at school or they may not be.
Disengaged parents aren't always there to help children with their homework, supervising
how they going and really helping them to succeed at school.
The parenting style that is best for children is the supportive style.
It’s a style where you are warm and loving and you’re affectionate but you also create
structure and boundaries for your children, and you guide their behaviour.
You don’t focus on punishment, you focus on guiding and teaching and helping them to
learn good behaviour.
Supportive parents really listen to their children.
They ask them questions, they look at life from their point of view.
They explain things, they have discussions.
They allow their children into decision making.
Supportive parents also allow their kids to grow and learn themselves.
They let them gain independence and skills.
They don’t do everything for their children
we need to actually help our children to learn for themselves, rather than
being over protective and doing everything for them.
Supportive parents set boundaries, they follow through with consequences and they do it pretty
consistently or as consistently as possible.
Because that's how children learn, they learn much more quickly the more consistent we are.
Supportive parents are flexible and when they are parenting they really take into account
the situation, their child’s temperament, the child’s state of development, so that they
can really guide their children’s behaviour and make the right decisions at the time.
Supportive parents really encourage children to have a go, take risks, and even make mistakes.
The best thing to do to help is to let children learn from those mistakes, so go through what
happened, how could you do things better and what they learn from the situation.
Children who grow up with supportive parents are self-confident, they feel capable, they're
emotionally mature, they've got good social skills, and they enjoy better happiness and
wellbeing which really sets them well up for adulthood.
At school they are really well supported, loved and have a structures in place to try
their best and to really achieve.
Our parenting does really matter.
We can have a really strong, positive, wonderful influence on our children’s outcomes.
So what's best for children?
It’s about being warm and loving, setting those boundaries and guiding their behaviour.
And most of all, enjoying your relationship because really that’s what parenting is
all about.
Developing a strong, loving relationship with your child.