- Hello, lovely people, and thank you.
Thank you so much for being here
to watch this special video,
as we are almost at 1 million subscribers.
It's amazing.
I never thought that we would be here at this place.
I mean, obviously, I hoped, I dreamed.
We all have hopes and dreams, but we're actually here.
We did it. We made it.
We've come so far together.
So I wanted to make a video looking back
on my journey on YouTube
and thanking you for being here with me all this way.
I first made a YouTube account in 2011,
largely to watch Buffy and Faith fan vids.
Who doesn't? Who didn't?
Still in my heart of hearts,
I believe they are together
raising some beautiful vampire-slaying babies.
I was in university at the time
studying a film and screen degree,
and my biggest passion was to work in the visual industry.
I wanted to create film and television
largely because I wanted to be able to make
the kind of representation
that I felt I didn't have growing up.
I never saw on TV the disabled lesbian that I knew I was.
Even when I was a little kid,
I just didn't see people living with joy.
All the stories of every disabled person I saw on television
was deeply, deeply miserable.
That just wasn't the life that I wanted to lead.
I wanted to see a life full of joy, full of pretty dresses,
and having fun like afternoon tea.
I really hoped that that was possible for me.
So when I became an adult, that's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to show other people that it could be possible.
I even helped set up the university's first TV station.
It was online. It was not that big a deal.
Don't panic, but it was great.
I was very excited.
I loved it.
It was a little physically demanding.
My disability's two genetic issues,
one of which affects my nerves
and the other of which affect my connective tissue.
Don't worry if you are new here,
I have videos that go into more depth.
You can click the card right up here,
and you can also go to a link in the description.
There are playlists on my channel
that actually explain all of this.
Effectively, though, I deal with chronic pain,
chronic fatigue, chronic everything.
It makes life daily kind of a bit of a struggle.
I don't tend to think about it that much
because it's just life,
but it does tend to make things very difficult,
particularly if you want to do the demanding career
of a news reporter.
Maybe that wasn't for me,
but I got headhunted right before graduation,
a medical TV station, which was really cool.
I went to go and work for them doing kind of news packages
where you have to do the whole thing yourself.
You come up with the idea, you produce it, write it,
edit it, direct it, starring it, all of it.
It's a lot.
It's very, very physically demanding.
Someone else chooses what it is that you get to talk about,
you don't really get a say,
and if your thing does really well,
which often my things did,
you don't really see any kind of reward to it.
But physically, it was kind of killing me.
I couldn't do anything else.
I didn't have any kind of a life
outside of this part-time work I was doing.
It was that, or it was lie on the floor, groaning.
At the same time, though,
I kind of wanted to think about pursuing another thing.
I always loved classic films,
so I started to put together these little packages
of reviewing classic films and I put those out on YouTube.
If you've actually been watching my channel
since the start,
you'll know that those were my first videos.
Yeah, they were some low quality.
I filmed those on my laptop, yeah.
They were deeply overexposed, very blurry, horrendous,
and have all been content claimed by Turner Classic Movies.
They're gone, they're very gone,
and I've never talked about this, so here we go.
I didn't mention in any of these YouTube videos
that I had disabilities, which is fine.
You don't need to mention that you have disabilities.
Move through your own life.
I kind of tended to review these movies,
and I would look at other reviews that said things like,
"What a moving and uplifting score,"
and then I would just parrot that into my own review
because I didn't mention that I was deaf
and had no idea what the score was like.
Just like I have no idea there's a freaking siren.
Something else that I didn't mention,
but the commenters really did,
and in fact love to tell me in the comments,
was that I had a very peculiar voice.
Being deaf, I can't actually hear my own voice,
and at the time, I was slightly nervous
about what my voice sounded like.
I had particularly poor hearing as a child,
but I actually lost the majority of my hearing
as a teenager.
So I really should have just relied upon the fact
that my voice knows what it's doing.
It's muscle memory.
But I was really nervous
that not hearing my voice meant might be very slurred
and people wouldn't be able to understand me.
So I had a very bad habit when filming
of over-enunciating everything I was saying
or filming in the midst of a migraine
and slurring my words like you wouldn't believe.
Why Jessica? Why?
Now I know, it's generally a better policy just to be,
just to be open.
But I was so worried about being rejected
for sharing who I really am, telling my real story,
for telling everyone I have disabilities.
This is me, this is who I am.
In the end, it got too much,
and I realized that all I was doing was hurting myself.
I got this one comment that really struck me.
Obviously, when you're starting out on YouTube,
you get a lot of bad comments.
I mean, I say that like you don't get bad comments now,
I get bad comments now.
It's fine. We all get bad comments.
This one comment, it really hit me to my core, and it said,
"You are a disgrace to the deaf community."
And I was like, "Oh, ow."
And I felt like, "Sure, yeah, no,
I'm not being open and honest about who I am.
How can I ever expect for anyone to like me or accept me,
to ever represent myself, or to ever help other people
to feel proud of who they are
if I can't even feel proud of myself?"
So I sat down, again filming on my laptop
because the height,
the height of technological advancement at this point,
and I made a video called "This is Me,"
and I just laid it all out. (gentle music)
I said who I was, I spoke about my disabilities,
about how, when I was 17, I paralyzed my arms.
So a year and a half.
Yeah, both of them.
Yeah, for a year and a half,
and that's how I found out
that I have a genetic neurological disability,
but I wasn't just, you know, incorrect as a child.
That I wasn't just faking being ill.
No, I genuinely was ill.
It was just that adults didn't listen,
and I was actually struggling,
and the response to that video was so wonderful.
It was so beautiful,
and it warmed my heart so much
that I knew this is what I wanted to do.
I felt like I had to go on.
I had to keep making videos that were,
that were just like that
because people left comments that said,
"Oh, this is so lovely, this is just like me.
This is so nice to see other people talking about this."
Some of the things I had shared in the video
about of my daily life,
this is something I use to really help me.
People said, "Oh, that's a really great tip.
I love that you said some nights you're too tired to wash,
so you use baby wipes.
Great tip. I'll do that."
It's a great tip, okay?
Seeing how happy YouTube was making me
and how unhappy working
at the local TV station was making me,
my wife said, "Look, we're about to get married,
I'm going to financially support you for six months.
Just try YouTube instead."
This video is sponsored by YouTube.
Haven't you guessed?
"Don't keep working at the TV station,
where clearly making you very physically ill,
and we'll just see what happens.
Have a go. Maybe this will be your big break."
And I was like, "Okay, sure, yes, this sounds amazing,"
because it really wasn't working for me at the studio,
where everything is at a very fixed schedule
and my body is not like that.
Disabled bodies don't tend to work to a schedule,
especially not mine,
which is very up and down with its episodic ways.
For me, it tended to be that I had to film
on Wednesday mornings no matter what,
and if I woke up with a migraine, sorry, you better go in,
and I would.
I would stand on that stage, and I would film.
I'd just have to, you know, every time they said, "Cut,"
go and be sick in a bucket off stage.
Instead, with YouTube,
I got to set my own hours, work around my body.
Oh, I have to stay in bed today?
That's okay. I can lie there and edit.
I feel good this morning.
Brilliant. Let's film something.
The first few months
was a lot of trying out different types of content,
seeing what worked for me,
but then I made three videos
for International Week of the Deaf,
including a video called "Why I Don't Sound Deaf,"
and it really took off.
In one week, I went from 18,000 subscribers
to 100,000 subscribers,
and then by the end of the month,
it was 200,000 subscribers.
It was a lot.
It was so exciting to see all these new people coming
to join the community that I'd slowly been building.
Incredible to witness people in the comment coming together,
people who felt hadn't seen themselves represented before,
people who shared that feeling
that I have felt for a long time,
the loneliness and isolation that you can often experience
when you have a disability or chronic illness.
I mean, let's be honest,
I don't get out the house much, okay?
This is a very nice afternoon tea break for me.
It felt so validating, not just as a creator,
like, "Wow, I've been creating things and people like it,"
but just also as a person
to know that I was able to reach other people,
to touch them, and feel a bond.
I loved creating a community that came together.
Whenever I meet people in the flesh,
which now I have a toddler,
I do a surprising amount meeting new people
and then have to try and explain my job to them.
They always say, "Wow, disability and LGBTQ+,
like, that seems like a very, very much of a niche
for your content there."
It really isn't at all.
All of the people I have met, have spoken to,
interacted with online, if anything to go by.
I've met so many wonderful, amazing people
at different conventions over the years.
I've had such fabulous subscribers.
I've amazing comments from people who've said
that this is exactly who they are,
that my content has spoken to them.
You understand what I do
because it speaks to you
exactly in the same way it speaks to me,
and it comes from me,
and I love that connection,
and I'm so pleased that it's connected with you.
Creating a community online
has been something I am so proud of
because it's something I desperately needed
when I was in my darkest times,
but it's also something that I feel so honored
to have been able to do.
I've adored watching friendships grow
in my comments section over the years
and being tagged in pictures online
of little meetups that people have had
because they've met in my comments section.
The joy that that brings me, I can't even explain.
I also barely have words for how grateful I am
that some of my best friends have come from YouTube,
have come from this incredible job that I have.
I have met some absolutely just the best people,
people with incredible hearts who are deeply creative,
deeply inspiring, and joyful.
I'm also really grateful to my community
for helping me be diagnosed twice with things.
That was very good.
Once, I was helped to be rediagnosed
with a connective tissue problem.
I was originally diagnosed
a different type of connective tissue disorder,
but my comment section was like,
"No, Jessica, you have EDS."
Went to a rheumatologist who was like,
"Yeah, yeah, apparently YouTube is correct," so well done.
And secondly, my comment section was like,
"Jessica, I think you've got the ADHD."
Yeah, good job, my comment section.
Let me know any other fascinating ideas about me you've got.
With all of that said,
obviously this is a thank you
to everyone who has already been here
on this journey with me,
but it's also a thank you to you,
new people who are watching,
whether you're a new subscriber
or you're not a subscriber yet,
you're just joining us maybe for the first time,
or maybe you've been watching a couple of videos
and you haven't subscribed yet.
I know some of you are here
because I can see in the analytics
that quite a few people will watch a number of videos
without subscribing.
So, hey, if you aren't subscribed yet,
please do click the Subscribe button.
It doesn't take any of your time,
but it makes such a big difference
to the future of this channel.
I'm very hopeful that we get
to the 1 million very, very soon.
You might not realize it with your one little click,
but every click helps me to create better and better content
and be able to support this channel as it grows
to make it better and better and better.
I'm really proud to say that whilst Claudia said
that she was going to support me for those first six months,
I now have complete financial independence,
which I never thought that I would have
as a disabled person,
and in fact, a lot of adults told me I wouldn't have
when I was a disabled teenager.
They told me I would amount to nothing,
that I would get nowhere,
and I'm pleased to say I can laugh in their faces,
so it's all right.
I'm doing well.
Especially thanks to channel memberships,
my amazing Kellgren-Fozard Club.
You clubbies are fantastic.
You are brilliant.
The Kellgren-Fozard Club, if you don't know,
is part of the YouTube channel Memberships program,
where you can support a channel for a low monthly fee,
and in return, you get a behind the scenes video.
(gasps) Ooh.
Showing us everything we have got up to that month
and a birthday shout-out.
You get a special little face behind your name
in all of my comment sections.
Yes, it's my face wearing a series of crowns.
They get bigger the longer you've been a member.
If you'd like to find out more
about the Kellgren-Fozard Club,
you can hit the Join button down below next to Subscribe.
My clubbies are incredible,
and I'm deeply, deeply thankful for all of you
and for all that you do.
Thank you so much you beautiful, wonderful people.
Mwah!
As I've been on YouTube over many years,
my content has obviously changed.
One of the things I'm really loving at the moment is Shorts.
I'm really enjoying the short format
and being able to do quick little things, explainers.
I deeply love the Queer History 101 series,
and I think it really works
to be able to sometimes complex topics
into a very short, snappy way.
I just really love it. (laughs)
I really love learning about LGBTQ+ history,
and it seems other people do too.
Let me know in the comments
if you have any ideas for upcoming Shorts
or for long-form content.
Whatever you would like to see on this channel
in the coming months, years going forward,
whatever you would like to see
in my YouTube journey as it progresses.
I'm quite sure as we evolve,
there will be some new types of YouTube formats to come.
But I would love to know what you'd like to see from me
in the future on YouTube.
And now, (dramatic percussive music)
I have a very special announcement.
You may be wondering why I'm in this lovely location
with this afternoon tea.
Hmm. (upbeat music)
Perhaps you saw that there's a link
in the description of this video.
Well, if you click on that link,
it will take you to a Google Form
where you can submit your details
to be entered into a competition,
bum-bum-bum,
where 10 lucky winners will win an afternoon tea with me.
We're going to have a delicious, fabulous, wonderful time
at an afternoon tea in London in the near future.
I'm very excited to meet you
with my celebratory 1 million subscribers afternoon tea.
So hit that link, and I'll see you very soon.
Thank you so much for watching my absolute darlings,
and I shall see you in the next video.
Mwah!