A little bit about myself, I am blewish.
I am black and Jewish.
-[audience cheers] -Uh... Thank you.
[audience applauds]
My... My dad looks like Arthur Ashe,
-and my mom looks like Howard Stern. -[audience laughs]
And that is why I look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
[audience laughs]
[lazily] My parents done fucked, bro. My parents done--
My dad is from Haiti,
and my mom is from Manhattan.
Guess which one's the Jew?
-[audience laughs] -And, uh...
My dad just found out what Google is a few weeks ago.
Can I tell you how fucking old school and fresh off the boat
my father is? He's like...
[Haitian accent] "Oh-oh, now they have Google?
-[squealing] Whoo! -[audience laughs]
You can type one word in Google, bloop-bloop,
one million words come up!"
-[audience laughs] -I can't do my dad's voice. I'm sorry.
I sound like the fucking lion king. I'm sorry.
But, man, uh...
yeah, my parents fucked, okay?
-My parents... -[audience laughs]
My parents fucked. Everyone in here,
your parents fucked.
-[audience laughs] -Your parents-- Everybody,
let's do a meditation.
Close your eyes and picture-- Imagine your parents,
your dad, balls deep,
-[audience groans] -and finishing in your mom.
'Cause that's what happened. You can moan and groan all you want.
But you wouldn't be here, you little shits,
if your dad didn't fucking...
ka-splooge...
-explode his Spider-Man DNA web -[audience laughs]
into your long-suffering mom's vulva, who wasn't bothering anybody.
She was just playing Sudoku, she was eating cantaloupe.
[audience laughs]
Your fucking disgusting, horny dad just came in...
You gotta admit it, right?
Fact of life.
Your dad had sex with your mom.
Your mom went down on your dad.
[audience laughs]
Your dad went down on your mom.
-[audience laughs] -And then your dad put on
that leather gimp mask and he lied under a glass coffee table.
Your mom took a big shit over it, and then five months later,
you were born.
-Okay? -[audience cheers]
-I'm assuming he's a premie, I don't know. -[audience applauds]
He has premature energy.
I don't know.
Has anybody walked in on their parents having sex?
Anybody walked in on their parents having--
Show of hands if you walked in on your parents
-[man whoos] -havin' the sex.
[audience members murmuring]
This guy. What happened?
[man speaking indistinctly]
Wait, hold on. This guy's got a story to tell.
Can we give him a microphone?
-[audience cheers] -Please. Let's give this guy a microphone.
He's got a story to tell.
He will not be silenced.
He is living his truth.
[audience cheers]
What happened, my man?
-Well, I was-- -Tell me the sexy little details.
[audience laughs]
I was standing in the doorway. I was really young.
-They didn't see me. -Wait.
How long ago? Was this two weeks ago, or like...?
-[audience laughs] -No, no. I was young.
I was like... five.
Why did you go in there?
I just woke up in the middle of the night, like...
-I was going into-- -Were you for sure they were doing it?
-Yeah. -Were you just, like, crying?
Mascara's just pouring down your eyes or...?
[stammers] I just stood there. I was like... Uh...
-Did you ever bring it up to them? -No. This is first time--
You just suppressed
-all this trauma. -Yes.
-You never processed it. -[chuckles]
Well, I got good news for you.
-because your parents are actually here! -[audience cheers]
Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson!
Come on out! His parents are here!
He's gonna process all his trauma!
Give it up for his parents, everybody!
-[cheering continues] -They're here.
Yes!
They are finally gonna close the loop.
Yes! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
-[audience shouting] -Holy shit!
[audience screaming and cheering]
[audience laughs]
Holy shit.
He hasn't watched this since he was five.
We gotta close the loop.
[shouting continues]
[laughing] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh...
It's this for, like, 45 minutes, guys.
-[audience members whooping] -[Eric laughs]
[laughing] Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Wow. All right. All right, I think that's enough.
-I think we've all... seen enough. -[audience cheering]
-Thank you. -[audience applauds]
Thank you to your parents. God bless 'em.