Were you ever in a draining
relationship in which you felt you
gave too much?
Have you considered that you should
probably give less to your future
partner?
It's a painful problem.
But giving less isn't the solution.
Choosing a better partner is.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for
Smart, Strong, Successful Women and
your personal trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U Podcast.
Stay to the end of this video to
learn the only kind
of man you should marry.
When we're done, I'll let you know
how you could apply to love you to
create a passionate relationship
that makes you feel safe, heard, and
understood.
So I got a client.
She's in Love U.
Her name is Jessica, and Jessica
was telling me her story when we
first started coaching.
And her story is a heartbreaking
one and it's a common one.
Jessica felt drained.
She was in a 22 year marriage with
a man who didn't appreciate
her at all.
They had a few good years at the
beginning, but after the kids were
born, everything sort of came
apart.
He was focused on making money.
She was focused on raising the kids.
And they fell into their roles.
They stopped communicating with
each other. They stopped having sex.
They stopped being what
they were in their life when they
were going through courtship.
And they turned into what happens to
couples, glorified roommates with
very separate roles in the house.
And eventually it fell to Jessica
because women are often the
emotional caretakers and
relationships that fell to Jessica
to try to make things better when
she realized they were leading
separate lives under one roof.
She tried.
That's important to recognize.
Jessica tried.
She encouraged her husband
to go golfing with his guy friends.
She made dinner for him regularly.
She initiated sex even when
he was tired.
She was patient with his mood
swings, gave him space
to rant after a day
at work. She essentially became
the mother and the father of
the household.
She was running everything, taking
care of the kids, taking care
of him, not taking too much care
of herself. So if she had a cup,
it was like the cup was draining.
It was like it had a hole in it.
Nothing was replenishing her.
And her husband for two decades
didn't say thank you.
Never reciprocated her efforts.
Never told her she was beautiful.
Never came to her to figure out
how he can do his part to make
the relationship better.
And so, Jessica, my client, early
50s wasted
most of her adult life in an
emotionally dissatisfying marriage
where she would give and give and
give and give and never really
receive anything in
return. Does that strike a chord
with you?
If it does, I'm really sorry,
but I'm very glad you're listening
today because it may be tempting
the next time around to conclude
that all men are like your
ex, selfish takers
with little capacity to listen or
act from a place of generosity.
But that's not true.
It may also be tempting to conclude
that the reason your relationship
went bad was that you gave
so much.
That's also not true.
Being a giver is essential
in any relationship.
My wife is a giver.
I am a giver.
Neither of us keeps score.
And that's why both of us win.
So the problem here
as I see it, and I would like you to
see it too, is not that
you're a giver or that you give too
much. The problem
is that you've been giving it to the
wrong person.
You've been expending enormous
amounts of emotional energy on
giving to a taker.
And a taker will always
take and see
how much he can get
without giving in return.
As long as you keep giving, he
has no incentive to stop taking.
So this is a losing battle that
you can't turn around since you
can't change a man's character.
But if you date a giver yourself
and you give it back to him in equal
measure, now you've got a formula
for a happy marriage.
In my second book, 2006,
I called it The Platinum Rule.
If the golden rule is to do on
to others, the platinum rule is
to figure out how to do better.
Each day I get out of work here
by five thirty or six o'clock.
I wonder how can I make my wife's
life better.
I'm not saying that's normal for
every husband.
I listen to women every day.
So I really try to apply the stuff I
do here.
But I do ask how can I make my
wife's life better?
Maybe it is just listening to her
vent for 15 minutes about the day
she had with the kids.
Maybe it is by doing the dishes or
folding the laundry to take the
burden off of her.
Maybe it's just by sitting by her
side and zoning out in front of the
TV because she just does not
want to talk.
But in that time, it's not about me.
It's about her.
When I make it about her, when
I give my wife what she needs,
what do you think is gonna happen?
Happy wife.
Happy life.
The person who is a giver
in this instance, me, builds
up a reservoir of goodwill
and discovers in turn that she's
going to receive just as much
back. Not if you're with a taker
when you're a taker done work,
but if you're with a giver and you
give to a giver.
Now you've got a recipe for
a great life, but
it takes choosing wisely
with your man.
Choose a taker.
You'll always be on the losing end
and have your cup perpetually
drained with no one filling
it. But if you choose a giver and
you give back to him, I
guarantee you your
gonna be happy.
Just you watch.
Thank you so much.
My name is Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for being a part of the
Love U Podcast.
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Thanks a lot. I'll talk to you soon.