I've decided to change my career
I thought you were unemployed?
I am
So you've decided to get a career?
Yeah whatever okay
I've made a resume
What did you put on it you don't have any qualifications
Yes I do look
Newspaper editor?
Uh-huh
When were you a newspaper editor?
When I had... was a kid I had the the
newspaper round so
The paper round?
Everyone expects you to exaggerate a little bit
on a resume
Bar manager at Eleanora's?
Yeah
You've never worked there
No but I drink there's so much that the barman said
I could be the manager
you know could be, should be, would be...
Was?
Oh my God
Orthopedic surgeon at St Mark's Hospital?
You cannot write that down
No no I was the best in my family at that board game Operation
I've a steady hand
Aside from the obvious criminal problems here
Don't you think they're gonna find it a little odd
that you've got bar work on your resume
beside orthopedic surgeon
If anything they're just going to think I'm overqualified
Yeah
Business consultant?
Yeah I mean what even is that job?
Yeah you see that's why it's perfect
it's such a vague job nobody knows what it is
and then the people who are one
they can't even describe what they do
Trainee psychologist?
I have a couch
Oh so you have the same furniture as a psychologist
why didn't you say so?
And that's time
This whole resume is full of lies
Everybody lies on their resume
just relax will you?
Yeah they say they work well in a team
or they like sea swimming
not that they volunteered with St John's ambulance
That's true
No it isn't you just have the uniform
which you used to sneak into football matches
and then when there was an actual emergency in the crowd
you ran away
Yeah because I was unqualified
Finally the truth
What no it's simple
All right look you get the job
You go in you learn on the job
right and by the time they figured out the truth
well you just go yeah you know what
you got me I'm not qualified
But didn't I do a great job
and then they're like well you know what
Dr McGuire
yes you did
welcome aboard
Or they'll say
You're under arrest you complete maniac
No I did a good job
Like you wouldn't even get the job in the first place
because once they check any one of your references
they'll know it's a complete hoax
That's where I come in
Oh...
Six burner phones are all the references I need
Hello hello Sunday Independent front desk here
Hello Dr. Devlin's Surgery Agnes speaking
Hello Battersea Crematorium Declan speaking
Aodhghán was the best corpse burner we had
he really enjoyed it
Well I think I'll give him the job
I think you should
Thank you
You're welcome
You see
I'd understand a few white lies but you even lied about
your hobbies here
What do you want me to put down?
Drinking and pigeon shooting?
Clay pigeon shooting
Yeah or that
There is not one single true thing on this
Yeah well I needed to put down something didn't I?
Look resumes are biased against the unemployed
You need a job
to get a job it's a malicious exclusionary system
benefiting only those who have easy access
to employment through nepotism or private school privilege
look if I didn't put down lies
the resume would be basically blank
Burundian gold medal winning sculptural artists at the National College of Art in Burundi
You see it's untraceable
Hello Volunteer Firefiighters of Burundi
Agnes speaking
They speak French in Burundi
Research
You'll never get a single job
with this resume
Yeah?
Watch me
Yeah
So have you got a job yet?
No
Oh surprise surprise
Yeah but I haven't handed out any resumes so
Why not?
We don't have a printer here
and that means we'd have to go to the library to get it printed
which is ages away it's a pain
and then we have to find out where all the employers are
their addresses and then we've got to travel to each one
and then hand it in by hand
and it's just
yeah to be honest
it just seemed like work
Doomdah
Hey we're Foil Arms and Hog
a new video every Thursday
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Doomdah