>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY, RIGHT
THERE.
THANK YOU.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
HEY, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE EVERYBODY BACK TOGETHER.
IT'S SO LOVELY.
>> Jon: AAAHH!
>> Stephen: JON, WE'VE GOT-- WE'VE GOT-- WE'VE GOT A NATIONAL
TREASURE ON HERE TONIGHT.
ANDERSON COOPER IS GOING TO BE HERE IN A LITTLE WHILE.
>> Jon: ANDERSON COOPER, YES!
>> Stephen: JUST A DELIGHTFUL-- JUST A DELIGHTFUL
FELLA.
GREAT.
>> Stephen: AND I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW GREAT THE BAND SOUNDS
AGAIN.
I MEAN, IT'S WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
TO HAVE JOE BACK.
I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT, LOUIS AND THE REST OF THE BAND SOUNDED
AMAZING WHILE YOU GUYS WERE GONE.
WE MISSED YOU, BUT, BEGAN, YOU GUYS DID AN AMAZING JOB KEEPING
THIS BAND HOT WHILE YOU WERE OUT OF THE EAST COAST AREA.
>> Jon: THE BEST IN THE WORLD, REALLY.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU WON ANYTHING RECENTLY, JON?
YOU HAVE ONE ANYTHING-- ANYTHING SINCE THE AGREEMENTS?
ANYTHING SINCE THE GRAMMYS?
>> Jon: OH, NO, NOT SINCE SUNDAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WELL.
KEEP IT UP.
GOTTA KEEP IT UP, MAN.
>> Jon: GOT TO KEEP IT ROLLING.
>> Stephen: WE MITT ALL WIN SOMETHING, I JUST FOUND OUT--
THIS IS EXCITING-- WE'RE NOMINATED FOR THE WEBBYS, THE
WEB AWARDS.
WE'VE ALREADY BEEN HONORED BY BEING HONORABLE FOR THE COMEDY
PODCAST CONTENT SERIES AND MUSIC VIDEO SIRIS WEBBYS.
BUT WE'RE NOMINATED FOR TWO WEBBY AWARDS THAT PEOPLE GET TO
VOTE ON.
WE NEED YOUR VOTES ON THIS OUT THERE.
ONE IS INTERVIEW/TALK SHOW PODCAST, WHICH WOULD BE OURS,
"THE LATE SHOW" POD SHOW."
THAT'S ONE.
WE'RE NOMINATED FOR THAT.
AND SOCIAL CONTENT SERIES, WHICH IS THE BEHIND-THE-SCENES VIDEO
WE PUT OUT EVERY WEEK.
WHO IS LEADING IT NOW?
WHO IS NUMBER ONE?
WHO ARE WE UP AGAINST IN INTERVIEW POD CAT?
JON STEWART.
YOU KNOW I LOVE JON STEWART.
IT WOULD BE GREAT IF HE WON, BUT IT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER IF WE
DID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
HERE'S THE THING-- NO HARD FEELINGS.
>> Jon: YEAH, NO HARD FEELINGS.
>> Stephen: NO HARD FEELINGS IF HE WINS AND NO HARD FEELINGS
IF WE WIN.
IT'S THE WEBBYS, NOT THE FRIENDIES.
>> Jon: FRIENDLY COMPETITION.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY!
FRIENDLY COMPETITION.
ANYWAY, GO DO, THAT PLEASE.
AND LINKS TO VOTE ARE PINNED ON OUR TWITTER PAGE, AND LISTEN TO
THE "LATE SHOW" PODCAST WHEREVER YOU GET THEM-- THE PHONE, THE
DELI.
I'M NOT SURE WHERE YOU GET THEM.
YOU KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, ISOLATING
THE BIGGEST, NEWSIEST STORIES OF THE DAY AND CONTAINING THEM
IN THE MOST TOPICAL CIRCULAR TUNNEL, WITH A CIRCUMFERENCE OF
26.7 KILOMETERS, AT A DEPTH RANGING FROM 50 TO 175 METERS.
THEN, I ADD TWO ADJACENT PARALLEL BEAM-LINES, WHICH
TRAVEL IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AROUND THE RING, INTERSECTING AT
FOUR POINTS.
I ADD 1,232 DIPOLE MAGNETS TO KEEP THE BEAMS IN THEIR CIRCULAR
PATH, WHILE AN ADDITIONAL 392 QUADRUPOLE MAGNETS ARE USED TO
KEEP THE BEAMS FOCUSED, AND THEN I ADD STRONGER QUADRUPOLE
MAGNETS CLOSE TO THE INTERSECTION POINTS IN ORDER TO
MAXIMIZE THE CHANCES OF INTERACTION WHERE THE TWO BEAMS
CROSS, ALL SO I CAN SMASH JOKE PROTONS AGAINST EACH OTHER AT
NEAR THE SPEED OF LIGHT TO GENERATE THE HIGGS BOSON HEAVY
COMEDY PARTICLES THAT MAKE UP MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN AN ABANDONED JUNKYARD, STRAPPED TO
THE CHASSIS OF WHAT USED TO BE A SCHOOL BUS.
I GNAW MYSELF FREE OF MY RESTRAINTS AND CLIMB ATOP A HILL
OF CRUSHED MAZDA MIATAS TO UTTER A CALL THAT CAN BE HEARD ONLY BY
THOSE IN THE MIDST OF A LIFE-CHANGING PEYOTE TRIP.
WITH MY FREAKS GATHERED ROUND, WE HOTWIRE AS MANY BURNT-OUT
'91 BUICK LESABRES AS WE CAN FIND TO ANIMATE A FLEET OF
FURY-ROAD-WORTHY LEMONS, THEN ROLL THEM TO THE ABANDONED
SUBWAY STATION BELOW CITY HALL, WHERE I LAUNCH THEM HEAD ON AT
TOP SPEED IN THE UNREGULATED HOTWHEELS COLOSSAL CRASH TRACK
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!
( APPLAUSE ) ONE SOLID MINUTE.
THAT'S A NEW RECORD.
IS THAT A NEW TIME RECORD.
IS THAT THE LONGEST OF ALL TIME?
THAT IS-- THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, "MEANWHILE.
( CHEERING ) MEANWHILE, JARED LETO: OF ALL
THE ACTORS TO PLAY THE JOKER, HE IS ONE OF THEM.
WELL, NOW LETO IS STARRING IN THE NEW COMIC BOOK MOVIE,
"MORBIUS."
BUT TURNS OUT THAT LETO INSISTED ON USING THE CHARACTER'S
CRUTCHES, EVEN WHEN THE CAMERAS WEREN'T ROLLING, AND HIS METHOD
ACTING BECAME A PROBLEM ON SET.
EVEN MORE PROBLEMATIC: HE WAS STILL METHOD ACTING FROM HIS
ROLE FROM "HOUSE OF GUCCI."
"HELLO!
I AM-A MORBIOUS.
I AM-A VERY SCARY VAMPIRE.
AH-BOO!
I GONNA SUCK OUT-A YOU BLOOD.
THATS-A SPICY JUGULAR VEIN!" ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN LITTER NEWS,
VOLUNTEERS PICKED UP A RECORD AMOUNT OF TRASH FROM NEW
JERSEY'S BEACHES LAST YEAR, TOTALING OVER HALF A MILLION
ITEMS, INCLUDING A CD HOLDER FILLED WITH ALBUMS BY LIMP
BIZKIT.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
"ONE MAN'S TRASH...
IS A CD HOLDER FILLED WITH ALBUMS BY LIMP BIZKIT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
VOLUNTEERS ALSO FOUND A FULL SET OF DENTURES, A THONG, AND A FAKE
EYEBALL.
OBVIOUSLY LEFT BEHIND BY THE TOOTHLESS, ONE-EYED, VICTORIA'S
SECRET MODEL, LONG JANE SILVER.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WERE ALSO SOME MORE
RUN-OF-THE-MILL TRASH ITEMS, LIKE 3,211 TAMPON APPLICATORS--
OR AS THEY'RE CALLED LOCALLY-- AND THIS IS APPARENTLY TRUE--
JERSEY BEACH WHISTLES.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, BUT DON'T BLOW ON THEM.
YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN: A JERSEY BEACH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE ELECTRIC SCOOTERS SAFER FOR USE
IN CROWDED CITIES, THERE'S A NEW LINE OF E-SCOOTERS THAT STOP IF
YOU SPEED, MADE BY A COMPANY CALLED "SUPERPEDESTRIAN."
ALSO THE NAME OF THE LEAST POPULAR MARVEL CHARACTER.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ANDERSON COOPER.