-It sure is spooky out here tonight.
When I'm spooked, what makes me feel better
is telling scary stories.
-I got a really scary story.
Do you know the one about the man with the hooked hands?
-No, no, not those kinds of stories.
Real scary stories.
-How real are we talking?
Like, real-real or real-real-real?
-Real-real-real.
I'll go first.
This one will send shivers down the curvature of your spine.
Years back, there was an old barn up on the hill,
and there was a wedding in that barn.
And I was invited as a plus-one.
I didn't know a single soul there.
[ Both gasp ] That's not even the worst part.
The worst part was...
they weren't serving alcohol!
[ Screaming ]
I had to talk to people, yeah. Who does that?
-I peed a little in my pants.
-Okay, all right. Yeah, all right.
Yeah. Sorry. -But I have an even scarier one.
-What?
-This one will chill you to the bone.
It was my birthday.
A guy at work said, "Hey, happy birthday."
-And then?
-I said, "Thanks. You too."
[ Screaming ]
-That's a soc...
That's a social faux pas. -It's true.
A so-faux pas. -Yeah.
-Okay, you think those are scary?
Okay. I was once on a date with a guy.
I know. Weird, right?
He seemed normal, you know?
But out of nowhere, he said something
that will haunt me until the day of die.
-No.
-Yeah, I can sometimes hear it at night.
-What'd he say?
-He said...
"I hope you like vape tricks."
-Oh, my gosh. -I have...
-Oh, my gosh. -...chills.
-Oh, my gosh.
-And then he did vape tricks.
-No, no! Oh, my God.
With the rings and -- Yeah, and -- I've seen them.
Oh, no. Oh, gosh! -Terrifying.
-That is so scary. -So bad.
-I can do you one worse.
Last year, I had gingivitis.
[ Screaming ]
-That's not the scary part. -Ah!
-Anyway, I went for a checkup recently,
and the dentist said, "Looking good.
I can tell you've been flossing."
And I looked right at her and I said --
-No, don't say it! I can't...
-I said, "You too." I did it again.
I did it again. -Similar --
-Similar scary. -Similar scary stories.
-It was the double scare. -Wow.
This one I have for you is so scary,
the only person I ever told it to was my therapist.
After that, she quit the biz
and became a judge on "Dancing with the Stars."
Anyway, one day...
I was walking down the street.
And, so, I saw someone waving at me.
So I waved back.
Then I realized, he was actually waving to someone behind me,
so I pretended to be directing traffic.
I stayed and directed traffic for three hours.
And I've gone back there to direct traffic every day
since just to keep up the charade!
-No! -I did.
-No!
That's nothing.
My skin's a-tinglin' just thinking about this spooky tale.
Settle in. -I'm settled.
-The other day, I coughed, but it sounded like a sneeze.
-Whoa!
-So someone turned to me and said, "Bless you."
Then I turned to them and I said --
-Let me guess. You said, "You too."
-No. I said, "Oil me up, daddy.
It's dinnertime, and I'm a little soup boy.
Chompa, chompa."
[ Screaming ]
-Hey, is there something we can do for you?
-You guys want to see a bunch of sunset pictures
I took on my phone?
[ Screaming ]