You know, uh, every day we're reminded
of how terrible it would be to be ruled over
by a self-financed melting jack-o'-lantern,
and Republican leaders know this better than anyone.
The only problem is that the candidate
with the best chance of beating Trump
is this guy.
Look at Ted Cruz.
He is now at 53% unfavorability.
That is the highest unfavorability that he has seen
throughout this campaign.
He is growing more unpopular by the day.
Yeah.
And it's been this way his entire life.
In fact...
in fact, when Ted Cruz was born,
he was voted the worst baby in the maternity ward.
There was...
there was just something insincere
about the way he breast fed, you know? It was just like...
But... but the big question is
why do people hate Ted Cruz so much?
And the truth is, there's a multitude of reasons.
I mean, it could be because he paints gun control measures
as a plot to steal everyone's guns while they sleep.
Uh, or maybe they-they hate him because he wants special patrols
for Muslims neighborhood
or maybe it's because he supports an abortion ban
with no exception for rape or incest.
Or maybe it's because he's the Zodiac killer.
You never know what it would be could be.
Now, Ted Cruz knows how much people don't like him.
Which is why last night
he decided to participate in a CNN town hall
to show his personal side.
And, uh, naturally, this made things worse.
The Godfather,
-I-I love those movies. -Now, you... you like
the third
I've never met anyone who liked the third
I will admit it in public. Everyone else hated it.
I actually thought it was a... a wonderful culmination.
Really?
Godfather III?
The movie everyone agrees is the worst
The... the credits from the second
are better than
Saying you like
"You know what my favorite part of sex is?
"The part where you take off the condom
"and flush it down the toilet. Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
It's what sex is all about."
But, you know, with Ted Cruz,
it's not only his bad taste in movies that make him unlikable.
He's also a liar. In fact, he lies so much
that even his eight-year-old daughter is sick of it.
Just watch in this clip how she called him out last night.
They have karaoke machines they got for Christmas.
They both have matching karaoke machines.
And it is a little frightening, with-with the two of them
singing Taylor Swift together. It is... it is amazing.
We don't sing together.
That's true.
(laughter)
"We don't sing together, Dad.
"Lie all you want about Mexicans,
but don't drag my karaoke (bleep) into this!"
I...
Why don't they get her to moderate the debates?
No, just look how she shut him down.
He even hung his... She was just like,
"That is not what happened." And he went, "That's true."
I've never seen Ted Cruz...
So, so as Ted Cruz approaches a-a possible nomination,
a lot of Americans are grappling daily with the idea
of what it would be like to live with Ted Cruz as president.
And what may be the most alarming clue
comes from the person who knows more than most.
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon,
and he went off to the store and came home by himself.
And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back
at our apartment with literally 100 cans
of Campbell's Chunky Soup.
(laughter)
Who is this man?
100 cans of soup.
Ted Cruz went out to the store
and bought 100 cans of soup.
I don't... I don't think you understand.
I don't think... I don't think you understand.
This,
this is 100 cans of soup.
I can hide behind the soup.
This is... this is so creepy.
Just think about this. The first thing you do
after your honeymoon is you buy a carload of Chunky Soup.
What happened on the honeymoon?
And why does anybody buy this much soup?
What, are you taking a bath in it?
What are you doing with this much soup?
How do you... how do you even keep a straight face
while checking out? Like, you're at the checkout counter.
And-and, you know what, I bet Ted Cruz is the kind of guy
who would go to the "ten items or less" line
and try and justify it. I can see him standing there.
He's like, "Well, actually, now, you got to understand
"that this here is one soup. It's only one item.
"Even though there are 100 of them,
it is the same soup under God's eye."
Like, I'm sorry, but-but buying this much soup
at one time is disqualifying.
Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to buy this much soup
at the same time cannot be president.
Ted Cruz, you have to choose.
You can either have the nuclear codes or you can have the soup,
but you definitely cannot have both.