[MUSIC PLAYING]
A couple of weeks ago, I got Pusha T wrapped
in an Arby's ad where he demolished
the McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwich.
God damn.
[MUSIC - PUSHA T, "SPICY FISH DISS TRACK"] I'm the reason
the whole world love it.
Now I got to crush it.
Filet-O-Fish is [MUTED].
And you should be disgusted.
We can't let this Filet-O-Fish slander go unchecked.
Mero and I have to know which fish
sandwich is really the best.
So we're going to taste a bunch of them and crown a champion.
That's right.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
DESUS: Bring out the fish.
Yes, as Michael Jackson would say, look at all the fish.
We can't wait to put some back Baccala in our mouths.
That's right.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
It's a little paler than the other ones.
Yes, it is.
DESUS: But it looks like a real fish.
MERO: It looks like a real fish fillet.
The fish fillet is, like, kind of sticking out.
It looks like Ariel the Little Mermaid's thigh.
Saying?
Look at this stuff.
Isn't it neat?
She was super thick.
I'm going to take a big bite of your thigh meat.
All right.
Ready?
OK.
All right.
Little dry.
MERO: It is a little dry.
It's a little dry.
That's how we do the tasting, right?
Oh, you want me--
Hey, yo.
What would Tom Holland say?
OK.
It's a little dry.
I'm not-- I'm not overwhelmed.
I'm underwhelmed.
I'm underwhelmed, right?
This has big, like, NYC school fish fillet energy.
Like--
They throw a little sesame seed
on top, trying to fool you. DESUS: Yeah, I don't like that.
- This is fancy. - I don't like that.
What are you giving it?
I give it a one on taste.
The bun is weak.
Weak-ass bun.
Weak bun.
The bun is buns.
- It's true. - Know what I'm saying?
DESUS: And mouthfeel?
Or just say-- I'm not putting a number.
I'm putting, hey, yo.
Hey.
Chill.
I wrote chill.
DESUS: Chill.
My kids are watching.
OK.
I'm gonna cleanse the palate with a little pinot.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
DESUS: Going to the B. They just say,
here's your fucking pickles.
MERO: Yeah.
Like, you motherfucker.
Those were angrily slapped on the sandwich.
This is the sandwich your girl makes you after an argument.
I feel the disdain--
Oh, you gonna like photos on Instagram?
Oh, word?
Here we go again.
You like pickles?
She's Kylie Jenner.
I'm not going to meet her.
It's just the fantasy.
Jesus. All right.
Ready?
1, 2, 3, bite.
That's good. - Oh.
- That's good. - Yeah.
DESUS: That's good.
I want to give it, like, a high score,
but I haven't had the other ones yet.
But it's going to get a high score.
How are you feeling on taste?
I'm giving it--
Are we going out of 10?
We're doing it like "The Source."
So one to five mics.
- OK. - So--
OK.
This definitely gets five--
haddock-- - For freshness?
Freshness? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It cursed me out.
So I like that.
It was like, bite me again, motherfucker.
OK.
Mouthfeel?
It was good.
Left a little spice on my tongue.
It was rough like someone just shaved.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Like a little stubble.
Who doesn't like a little stubble
when they go down there?
Yeah.
Cleanse the palate.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Number C--
I mean-- - Oh.
Oh, he's here.
Oh, he has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.
Number C has arrived.
Yeah, Julia, take my phone.
Take my phone.
Yeah, let's just go.
Oh, here we go again.
Oh, baby.
I mean, can you take one bite of this?
I feel like this is a bite.
DESUS: This is like-- are we, like, in a war?
Are we doing rations?
Oof.
This is an MRE.
This is like a good day at Rikers.
Like, oh, we eating fish.
Oh, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Yo, don't be late to commissary.
Yo, we get a little fish square.
All right.
Let's try our little ration fish.
MERO: Wow.
OK.
Remember before we had the show and we were broke?
Yeah.
That's what it tastes like.
Wow.
This is me opening up my eyes every morning at 6:00 AM
to go work in a school and a kid would tell me, suck his dick.
Oh, I don't like this.
I'm going to spit it out.
Don't like that.
Oh, wow.
That was not good.
I'm just going to put zeros across the board.
DESUS: What was that?
MERO: That was not--
that was a whole lot--
That felt like a hate crime.
There's no condiments in it. - None!
The bun sucked.
It was mad small.
I don't even think that was a fish.
Mad dry.
I mean, that's what some women do.
Garcon, more wine!
Like, hello.
I mean, like, I tried my hardest.
Somebody's a size queen.
Jesus.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
- I know what this is. - Yeah.
This was made by a robot.
I'm sorry to tell you.
No.
You know what this--
bias-- this is-- this is--
I know.
This is my ex.
I could tell.
I miss you, boo.
Yeah, the familiarity.
Oh--
The hesitation.
(SINGING IN FALSETTO) Memories make me feel fine.
Oh.
Denmark, Amsterdam, London, France--
Bruckner Boulevard.
Yeah.
I'm just thinking about my life.
Oh.
But the thing is, you don't enjoy a Filet-O-Fish.
You eat it to survive, so--
like all McDonald's food.
All right.
So what are we doing this?
I'm giving this--
I'm going give it a five on taste, because I'm still--
I'm still riding for the Filet-O-Fish.
Oh, man.
I'm-- I'm--
You better give it a five, brother.
Because listen.
I'm starting to feel this wine in my toes.
Because I love you, I'll give it a 3.5.
And this-- yo--
I will say one thing about McDonald's, though.
They be fucking-- they put their foot in the sauces.
They do.
They put cocaine in the sauce.
Because this shit is ass.
The bun.
It's a bun.
It's not bad.
You know what?
I learned that they steam the buns.
That's the only buns that they steam.
And that's why they're so soft.
Yeah.
I watch a lot of TikToks.
You're not helping yourself right now.
I'm going to give the bun a four for freshness.
Shout-out to a wild haddock.
You know, the farmers out there risking their lives
to get Filet-O-Fish.
Right?
All those square haddock out there in the sack.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
If your date orders this, you like--
you go-- you're like, yo, my card
is not going to go through.
First of all, it's like shitting on every other burger.
It's literally putting a shadow on the burgers.
Yeah, fam.
So we got that.
MERO: Yo, that's brioche, by the way.
You know what I'm saying?
That's a bun. That's a bun.
That's a bun.
That's a bun with some seeds.
You know I hate when you talk Spanish.
That's brilliant.
He talking about enchiladas, brioche, quesadilla.
I don't know what the fuck he talking about.
All right.
1, 2, 3, bite.
Oh, whoa.
Wow, that don't even taste like fish.
But--
Maybe it is [INAUDIBLE].
I'm trying to figure out what he just said.
It tastes like a high-class fish that went to school.
This just majored in philosophy.
This fish has some hot takes on Will Smith.
They're going to kill him!
Like, I enjoy this, but it feels like it's doing a lot.
This feels like it's doing a lot.
Like, this-- the Filet-O-Fish is like, yo, remember your roots.
Stay humble.
This one here is like, yo, fuck everyone else.
It's all about you.
Fuck that.
The Filet-O-Fish was original Jesus.
This was Hollywood Jesus.
It's brioche Jesus.
I don't like it.
He changed.
Every time-- every time he goes out now, he's like--
you know, where he's at, he's-- he's out
here just being brioche.
Oh, wow.
Is that the new slur?
Being brioche?
Brioche?
Brioche!
I'm gonna take another bite of this motherfucker.
Mm.
I'm feeling brioche now.
All right.
How do we feel about this last cocky sandwich?
I mean--
The taste was all right.
Yeah.
It's, like, fives all across, man.
Was this a five, though?
It felt like it was overcooked.
- I mean, I like the crunch. - You like the crunch?
I like the crunch.
Should we give it a five.
For freshness? It's definitely fresh.
Yeah.
That shit melts in your mouth.
For mouthfeel, it was a little dry
when you bite into the crust.
Yeah.
But it's that kind of dryness where if you spit on it,
you'd be fine. - Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? You spit it.
And then you just, like--
Oh.
If somebody gave me my phone, I wouldn't be talking like this.
Garcon?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
OK.
After much deliberation and tasting--
After putting mad fish in our mouths.
That's right.
We have come to some agreements and some results.
And we're going to read them right now
about what's the best fish sandwich currently
on the market here in America.
And we're going to start with the worst one.
The worst one.
The worst offender.
What did you get for wee?
Is it D?
Oh--
Five is good, right?
Five-- five is the best.
Why would y'all give me wine?
Also, why would these say A, B, C, D,
E and these say 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?
No, because the one that has the highest ranking--
it's like Scattergories.
Oh.
Oh. See?
Now every other country is like,
this is why they elected Trump.
All right.
So--
They got us loaded on wine before we did this, all right?
The mental math is a little off.
So first of all-- so five is the highest, right?
That doesn't make any sense, because "Illmatic"
got five mics.
No.
Five is better than one, right?
Am I bugging?
Yeah.
If you're like, yo, do you want--
If I got five apples, right?
And Johnny takes three--
Now you got two apples.
Now you down two, three apples.
This is that critical race theory.
They ain't fucking with kids.
The worst one, which is one.
No.
The worst-- the absolute worst one.
Hold on.
We have to figure out this ranking system,
because apparently, white people think number one is good.
But Black people and Brown people,
we're all together, five--
it's five mics.
"Illmatic," the best rap album ever.
Correct.
C. Get this little--
This little demonic Seabiscuit.
Blindside burger over here.
Number one is the worst.
Does that not work?
Because apparently, Desus and Mero
whose names are of the show said that was the worst.
So I don't understand why there's any pushback.
First of all, there's no panko at White Castle.
They're ain't no panko.
No, panko--
That's cat dandruff.
OK?
And we knew it was White Castle.
Because White Castle was responsible, because they're
like, they're drunk.
They won't notice.
Second worst, which means as a kid,
we kind of fuck with it if we have kids.
Burger number eight--
You are ass.
OK?
This is from Roy Rogers?
This is Arby's Crispy Fish Sandwich.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Hey, Pusha T, are you looking for me
or are we looking for Meech?
Wow.
Hey, hey.
Wow, because they were talking spicy in that commercial.
But they weren't being spicy in the sandwich.
Wow.
So number three-- so that would be E.
And E is right there.
Push that to number three.
OK, here we go.
Get it the fuck out of here.
Duck?
JULIA: Red Lobster Crispy Cod Sandwich.
Wow.
That means the date has gone bad.
Yeah.
You want it in a sandwich, you want it in a to go box.
Yeah, you're like, yo, I'm trying to get
this shit over with, bro.
You on a date.
You're like, yo, where were you January 6?
Like, no.
I'll take the sandwich.
I mean, that is a whole entire fucking--
That's like a fish stick.
Yeah.
That's-- that's a dolphin.
[IMITATING DOLPHIN NOISES]
Proof of The Guadalcanal dolphin.
That is it right there.
I think the saddest story of my childhood
is I had to save up to buy a--
remember you'd see, like, Troll book orders?
Oh, wow.
I saved up to buy a book about a blind dolphin.
He died in the end.
I was the kid at the book fair just buying, like, posters
of, like, Patrick Ewing.
Look, I-- fuck these books, man.
I want a stupid pencil.
After all of us that, like, spent,
like, our life savings on bookmarks,
we don't read that much.
MERO: Yeah, we don't.
I had two books.
Lisa Frank got us.
Yeah, she got us good.
She really got the--
That was the original cult.
Oh my god.
And she had her shit booming.
Lisa Frank, motherfucker.
Y'all like rainbows?
You like unicorns?
You like rainbows?
Huh!
You want to have a seizure in homeroom?
Let's go!
You wanna live like it's an Ariana Grande concert?
Like-- relax.
Let's get back to this. - OK.
OK.
Next we got-- oh, shit.
Do you see what--
nigga, you see what's about to happen.
Oh, wow.
You about to see--
the Cinderella scene is about to--
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Everybody about to be sick.
Because B is number four.
B was good, but not good enough.
JULIA: That's Popeyes Classic Flounder Fish Sandwich.
So that's Popeyes.
Also, Popeye don't even fuck with Popeyes.
When's the last time you see a Popeyes commercial,
he's like, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
Popeye never ate a fish sandwich to beat niggas up.
Popeye abandoned Popeyes the franchise.
So last but not least, number five--
if you're white, number one--
the creme de la creme, the fish sandwich, the King Triton,
the undisputed fish legend--
been here from day one, not going nowhere.
The rest of these fishes is quiet for them.
The GOAT, the ho, the fish that has held us down.
The fish I have eaten in several countries and other continents.
Mero, who won?
The Filet-O fucking fish.
[APPLAUSE]
Listen.
Can't beat a classic.
Oh my god.
I know it hurts you.
But you know it.
You tried it.
Hey, I mean--
You know what it is?
It's like, sometimes you get things that--
they're close to your heart.
It's true.
And you're familiar with them.
And you miss them.
Julia, I need my phone.
No, because I don't really eat any of this shit.
You vote for that fucking sandwich.
I'm tired of this shit.
You can have it.
DESUS: OK?
I'll pick my battles.
Look.
This is not the hill to die on.
Oh, no.
This is definitely a hill we're gonna die on.
We-- we too old to be eating all this fried fish.