- Dr. House has clinic hours, just like I do.
So today I'm gonna react to some of his funniest
and most unusual patient encounters.
Also, huge thank you to Ship Station
for sponsoring this video.
- So where do you feel the pain?
- In the back of my head here.
- It's Beccaria's sign.
It'll calm down by your third trimester.
- I'm not in school.
- Neither is your fetus.
- Oh God.
- You didn't know you were pregnant?
- How do you know that just from the headache?
- I know because of the tight shirt
stretched over the swollen boobs,
the salt craving you imported into the clinic,
the motion sickness patch.
- He's like an Amazon algorithm
that knows what you purchased, so he thinks he knows you.
It's like how TikTok has been pointing out things about us
because it knows us so well because of what we watch
and what we search and what we click.
Dr. House was the original algorithm.
- I'm a virgin.
So is my fiance.
- I believe him.
- Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant,
like sitting on a toilet seat?
- Absolutely. There would need to be a guy
sitting between you and the toilet seat,
but yes, absolutely.
(Dr Mike laughs)
- That was a good line.
- Been waiting here for six hours.
Am I a father or not?
- No.
But she also didn't cheat on you.
Normally, sperm meet egg, DNA meets DNA,
goes back to her place.
Cells divide, and nine months later, joy is bundled.
Abnormally,
an egg could have two naturally occurring gene mutations
that don't naturally occur together.
Spontaneous calcium spike
could prep the egg for fertilization without sperm,
and a division mistake could let the egg split up
without ever needing male DNA at all.
- Jesus, I have never heard of this.
- In humans, it's only ever been theorized
and it was never proved.
- Well, obviously on "House", it's gonna happen.
- Your daughter has only maternal DNA.
I personally checked this five times.
In seven months, you will have a virgin birth.
Merry Christmas.
- I can't, there's no way this has ever been reported.
- [Patient] It's dry.
- Who cares?
It's beautiful.
- What was he looking at?
- If my lawn were half as well maintained as that,
pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it.
- Looking into the nose with an otoscope,
you're not gonna get a lot of information.
Usually you have to go deeper with a fiber optic camera,
which is one of those cameras that you go in with a remote
and you could see it on a video screen.
That's where you're gonna get good info.
You can really visualize the turbinates,
the posterior nasal passageways.
You could even see the vocal cords
once you go a little further down.
- Good grooming is important.
- Is that a shot?
- People do judge you on your appearance.
When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed,
you hadn't shaved in quite some time.
I extrapolated you are a person
for whom detail was not a major concern.
- I like that he's pointing it correctly.
Most people point it up, but if you're pointing it up,
you're just looking at the front of the nose,
so he's pointing in the correct direction, at least.
- I was worried you might apply that same standard
in your work.
- You use toenail clippers up there?
- Whoa, don't use toenail clippers in your nose, folks.
- They're longer, so they allow me
to better reach the upper hairs.
- Bro, get one of those tools that you go in,
you press the button
and it just has a protected little shaver in there.
- You've got Athlete's Foot in your nose.
- Ooh, so he basically has a tinea, a fungal infection,
in his nose,
probably because his nail clipper had toenail fungus.
But House would not have been able to know that
without A, looking at his toe
and confirming that he has an onychomycosis,
which is a toenail fungus,
and B, that this is, in fact, fungal spores.
A fungal rash,
especially in an enclosed environment like this,
is just gonna look like irritation on a mucus membrane.
You're not gonna know exactly what's the cause.
- Sore throat?
- Oh, that's a lot of blood.
Maybe close the curtains there, champ,
and give the patient some privacy.
- Well, it's not lupus.
Well, not everyone can operate a zipper.
The up, the down.
- He's sweating a lot, so he is either going into shock,
he has an infection, a fever, something's going on.
- My new girlfriend,
never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised,
so she freaked.
- He tried to circumcise himself?
(House gasps)
- I got some box cutters and...
- Box cutters!
- So Abraham did it.
- I sterilized them.
- I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon.
Get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
- That's probably the most real part of "House",
that you get a plastic surgeon
or you get a specialist involved,
'cause Dr. House can't be a specialist for everything.
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All right, let's get back to the show.
- The top of my head's killing me.
- We spent a week doing top of head in anatomy.
I know just where it is.
- Ow.
- Oh my God, how did he know those,
okay, if someone says the top of their head is hurting them
and then you push on the sinuses and the sinuses are tender,
that's interesting.
- Your sinuses are clogged.
Judging by the scratches on your hands,
I'm guessing a new cat.
- Yeah, it was my mother's.
She's dead.
- Did you keep a dead cat?
- No.
- Yeah, so if you have an allergic reaction to a cat,
that can cause obviously congestion
in your nasal passageways.
It can cause your eustachian tube,
which is the pressure relieving tube
inside the sinuses and your canal, to get inflamed,
close up, 'cause it's a very short,
not short, very narrow tube.
And when it gets inflamed, it closes off
and it feels like there's a lot of pressure in here,
and a lot of people want antibiotics
for their sinus infections,
whereas most sinus infections are caused by a viral cause,
not bacterial, therefore you don't need antibiotics.
- I get to knock off an hour early today.
You know why?
'Cause I kissed my boss's ass.
Do you ever do that?
I think she just said yes
'cause she wants to reinforce that behavior.
Wants me to kiss a lot of other people's ass
like she wants me to kiss yours.
What would you want,
a doctor who holds your hand while you die
or a doctor who ignores you while you get better?
I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor
who ignores you while you die.
- I should go.
- You think it's gonna come out on its own?
- I just do not understand his diagnosing ability.
He has ultrasound vision.
He's like a dolphin, but a doctor dolphin.
He can make the echo of the sound
bounce off his intestinal walls
and tell him that there's something in his butt.
- How did you...
- You've been here half an hour, you haven't sat down.
That tells me its location.
- Or he's nervous.
- You haven't told me what it is,
that tells me it's humiliating.
You have a little birdie carved under your arm,
that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation,
so I figure it's not hemorrhoids.
I've been a doctor 20 years, you're not gonna surprise me.
- It's an MP3 player.
- An iPod.
- [Patient] What are we gonna do?
- I'm gonna wait.
- Maybe ask, maybe do some imaging,
maybe see if there's an obstruction, my guy.
Small bowel obstructions happen,
usually because of a post-surgical adhesion, but here too.
- Has he been using his inhaler?
- Not in the past few days.
He's only 10.
I worry about children taking such strong medicine
so frequently.
- What happened to your leg?
- Your doctor probably was concerned
about the strength of the medicine too.
She probably weighed that danger
against the danger of not breathing.
- Yeah, so for a child with asthma,
I see parents run into this issue quite often.
A lot of times have concerns
about using a preventive inhale,
of which you're supposed to use every single day,
and you're not supposed to use these willy-nilly.
The way that we treat asthma is a step up plan.
So we start with the lowest amount of intervention
and then we work our way up, depending on the symptoms,
depending on the severity of the illness.
And sometimes you need to take a preventive
in order to decrease the amount of times
you need to use your emergency inhaler
to decrease the amount of times you have nighttime attacks.
And most importantly, to decrease the amount of times
you end up in a hospital intubated.
That's why we do it.
And something interesting about asthma
is if you're having an acute asthma attack
and you're in a hospital and you're breathing really fast
and you're trying to breathe out,
it's really important to know
that if you just start fatiguing and breathing slower,
even though you haven't improved your wheezing,
that could be a sign that you're fatiguing,
and that's a reason you need to get intubated,
to actually buy you time
in order for the asthma attack to pass.
Where does "House MD" rank
on my master list of best medical dramas?
Click here to find out.
And don't forget to visit shipstation.com/doctormike
to begin your 60 day free trial.
As always, stay happy and healthy.
(light music)