Everyone likes to say history is “the greatest story ever told and it involves me and you
and it’s happening right now!” -- actually I don’t think people say that, usually they’re
pointing out how history is written by the victors, not enough herstory, misrepresentative
and underrepresentative of different cultures, generally much less accurate than we’d like
it to be -- but another reason that description falls flat is that history is sometimes super
anticlimactic, like one day you’re right in the middle of something and you get cut
off before you get to fi
[INTRO]
Nasir-ud-Din Muhammad (oh boy, this is gonna be a fun episode) or Humayun for short, was
not a great conqueror.
His dad Babur was pretty good, he was a descendant of Genghis Khan and Timur the Lame, who you
may have heard of through a certain play by a certain revolutionary Elizabethan bard -- yes,
that Bard -- oh it feels good to do that again -- and he established the bedrock of the Mughal
Empire.
Humayun’s son Akbar was also really good at conquering stuff, and being religiously
tolerant, and promoting education even though he was illiterate, he was just the poster
child of Mughaldom, even if he did occasionally dabble in child abuse, but it was for science!
For whatever reason though, those military leadership genes passed right over Humayun,
who was about as close to a human teddy bear as you can be while leading a bloody war of
conquest.
Doesn’t matter how many times you sell him out, it’s all good, we’re family, man.
Except on Tuesdays, you did not want to mess with him on Tuesdays.
He was beyond superstitious, different color outfit every day, split the government according
to the four elements, probably part of the reason he didn’t do very well in battle.
“But who was he battling?”
I hear you ask.
Thank you for that transition, random viewer.
Babur decided to split his empire between his sons instead of giving it all to his eldest,
which, though it was a little more fair to the younglings, had a nasty side effect of
promoting fratricide.
His brothers took up arms against him and the one brother who helped him out got assassinated.
But it was all right, Humayun started building him a nice tomb, but then came the big guns.
One of Babur’s loyal commanders, Sher Shah, was in charge of Bihar and as soon as he learned
Humayun had left to fight another rival, he lept at the opportunity and brought down his
armies upon the collapsing Mughal Empire, declaring himself the progenitor of the Sur
Empire, which would sweep across North India conquering everything in its path.
If this guy sounds like a classic Disney villain to you, that’s probably because he was also
known by the name Sher Khan, just like that Shere Khan, I am on fire today!
Humayun heel-turns back to the Eastern front (luckily that first rival sorted himself out)
with the help of his brother Hindal.
Only thing is, Hindal abandons his post, leaving Humayun surrounded, sneaks back to Agra and
declares himself emperor.
And then his other brother Kamran shows up and says “Hey!
Stop being disloyal!
I’m the true emperor, but you can have some land if you want.”
Hindal agreed and Kamran saw no reason not to trust a traitor.
Meanwhile, Humayun tells Sher Khan “Look, you can keep your land if you want, just say
you’re my vassal and let me pretend to win”.
Sher Khan agreed, and proceeded to kill everyone and Humayun made it back alive only by the
skin of his goat.
His brothers said “Look everyone, the emperor’s back, what an unexpected surprise!” and
he… completely forgave them.
Probably because he had bigger fish to fry.
Sher Khan was coming, slowly but surely, and after another military blunder, Humayun and
the gang were forced to retreat.
Kamran tried to sell out his brother, but again, that big ol teddy bear just didn’t
take it personally, but he did have to keep running to deliver the plans to the Death Star
At this point his Empire is just him, his thoroughly pregnant wife, and his remaining
followers plodding through the desert, trying to find a well that hadn’t been filled with
sand by the Hindus.
The Mughals were kind of cow-killing imperialist invaders, didn't leave the best first impressions
The Brits weren’t the only ones, okay?
He tried asking Kamran for help, but nope, he was too busy arresting Hindal for actually
being loyal to Humayun for once.
And his third brother, well, he was rallying an army to attack Humayun, honestly you’d
think this guy was living in a parable.
The only person who did end up giving him refuge was the Shah of Persia, on the condition
that he convert from Sunni to Shia Islam.
He threw a huge party, gave him food and an army, rested him up and sent him back on his way
to recapture Northern India from his brothers, because fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on you.
Fool me three or four times… you can’t fool me again.
Kamran and Askari were sent on Hajjes and never came back while Hindal died tragically
fighting on Humayun’s behalf.
“Bot who was he fighti-” you are just on top of your game, random viewer.
Sher Khan died, and nearly ten years later his son died, and the Sur Empire fell into
disrepair.
Humayun found himself a general who actually knew what he was doing, and in a year later
he was sitting on the throne in Delhi.
He never finished the tomb he was building for his brother way back when, but he got
a pretty nice tomb made for himself.
The builders had to work quick, because it was only six months after retaking Delhi that
he was walking down the stairs of his library, heard the call to prayer, immediately turned
to kneel, and fell to his death.
Stairs, man, they’re natural killers!
Luckily for everyone he decided to give his son Akbar the whole shebang, foregoing the
Timurids’ traditional battle royale.
He turned out all right, that Akbar, but you know, he ended up dying of dysentery, and
that’s no way to end an episode.
So the moral of the story is: eldest sons rule, second-borns drool, and you really want
to make sure that you have time to give your story a satisfying endi
Man, after Marlowe and Kipling, I don’t know how many fun facts I have left in me.
Aha!
If you’ve ever wondered why Mughal and Mongol sound so similar, it’s because they’re
descended from Mongols and Mughal meant Mongol in Persian.
Thanks, John Green!
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Likes, comments, et cetera, always appreciated.
Until next time.