>> Tucker: GOOD EVENING AND
WELCOME TO TUCKER CARLSON
TONIGHT.
SO LAST THURSDAY, LAST WEEK ON
THURSDAY TALK SHOW HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT DISPATCHED A GROUP OF
SEVEN OF HIS EMPLOYEES TO
WASHINGTON, DC.
THEIR JOB, BREAK INTO THE U.S.
CAPITOL COMPLEX AND HARASS
LAWMAKERS INSIDE.
THE GROUP TOOT ENTRY ARRIVED IN
THE AFTERNOON WERE MET ALMOST
IMMEDIATELY BY UNIFORMED CAPITOL
HILL POLICE OFFICERS WHO THREW
THEM OUT.
BUT APPARENTLY ON ORDERS FROM
COLBERT THEY RETURNED AT ABOUT
4:00 P.M. ON THURSDAY THE GROUP
REENTERED THE BUILDING.
ACCOUNTS VARY AS TO WHAT EXACTLY
HAPPENED NEXT BUT IT SEEMS CLEAR
NICOLE BARE’S EMPLOYEES WERE LET
INSIDE BY AN ALLY WITHIN THE
BUILDING.
THAT WOULD BE A FRESHMAN MEMBER
OF CONGRESS FROM MASSACHUSETTS
JAKE.
ONCE ON FEDERAL PROPERTY
COLBERT’S EMPLOYEES DID WHAT
THEY CLAIM DO WHICH WAS DISRUPT
THE BUSINESS OF CONGRESS AND
APPARENTLY THEY WERE NOT SUBTLE
ABOUT DOING IT.
THEY POUNDED ON DOORS AND
YELLED.
WHATEVER THEY DID, IT GOT
PEOPLE’S ATTENTION.
IT TAKES AN AWFUL LOT FOR A
POLICE FORCE CONTROLLED BY NANCY
PELOSI TO ARREST A GROUP OF
ENTERTAINMENT FIGURES.
BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT.
CAPITOL HILL POLICE ARRESTED
SEVEN COLBERT EMPLOYEES AND
BROUGHT THEM TO JAIL.
ALL SEVEN OF THEM WERE CHARGED
WITH UNLAWFUL ENTRY.
THAT’S THE IDENTICAL CHARGE THAT
HUNDREDS OF JANUARY 6TH
DEFENDANTS HAVE BEEN PROSECUTED
FOR.
BUT, UNLIKE JANUARY 6TH
DEFENDANTS COLBERT’S EMPLOYEES
WERE NOT SENT TO JAIL FOR A YEAR
AND A HALF IN SOLITARY
CONFINEMENT THEY WERE RELEASED
AFTER A NIGHT BEHIND BARS AND
THEN BACK TO NEW YORK.
WHY IS THAT?
WHAT EXACTLY IS THE DIFFERENCE
IN THE CRIME.
THAT’S AIDS LEGAL QUESTION WE
STILL DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER.
FOR SOME REASON CAPITOL HILL
POLICE HAVE NOT RELEASED THE
SURVEILLANCE TAPE THAT WOULD
SHOW EXACTLY WHAT COLBERT’S
EMPLOYEES DID THAT SO TRICKLED
THE POLICE FORCE CONTROLLED BY
NANCY PELOSI THAT THEY WERE
ARRESTED.
BUT WHATEVER THEY DID, OTHERWISE
SYMPATHETIC MEMBERS OF CONGRESS
ARE RUNNING AWAY FROM IT AS
QUICKLY AS THEY CAN.
QUOTE, WE DO NOT CONDONE ANY
INAPPROPRIATE ACTIVITY WITHIN
THE CAPITOL, JAKE’S OFFICE TOLD
US TODAY. SO AS A FACTUAL
MATTER, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
IN FACT, JAKE HAS A RECENT
HISTORY OF CONDONING CRIMINAL
BEHAVIOR IN THE CAPITOL.
JUST THIS MARCH, SURVEILLANCE
CAMERAS IN THE COMPLEX CAUGHT
JAKE’S CHIEF OF STAFF, THAT
WOULD BE A FORMER ADAM SCHIFF
STAFFER VANDALIZING THE FRONT
DOOR OF MARJORY TAYLOR GREEN’S
PERSONAL OFFICE.
HE DID THIS NOT ONCE BUT SEVERAL
TIMES VIOLENTLY LIKE A MAN
POSSESSED.
THEY FILED AN ARREST BECAUSE HE
CLEARLY WAS A THREAT.
BUT JAKE AUCHINENCLOSES DEAFED
HIM AS NOTICEABLE AND JUSTIFIED.
OUR OFFICE IS NOT GOING TO
APOLOGIZE READ A LONG AND
SELF-RIGHTEOUS STATEMENT FROM
JAKE AUCHEN ENCLOSES.
IN OTHER WORDS WE DON’T LIKE
MARJORY TAYLOR GREEN’S POLITICS
SO WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO
HER AND WE WILL.
FOR THE MOTOR PART THE MEDIA
IGNORED THE STORY SO HE AND ADAM
SHIFT FELT ’EM BOLD BED TO GO
FURTHER THEY INVITED COLBERT’S
EMPLOYEES TO HARASS MARJORY
TAYLOR GREEN AND MORE WHICH IS
WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THEY
WERE ARRESTED BY POLICE.
WIMP YOU THINK OF HER POLITICS
SHE IS A SITTING MEMBER OF
CONGRESS.
PREVENTING HER OR ANY OTHER
MEMBER OF CONGRESS FROM
FULFILLING HER DUTIES AS A
REPRESENTATIVE IS BY DEFINITION
AN ATTACK ON DEMOCRACY.
SO HOW IS WHAT STEPHEN COLBERT
DID DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THE
PROTESTERS ON JANUARY 6TH HAVE
BEEN CONVICTED OF DOING.
THAT’S A VERY GOOD QUESTION AND
A QUESTION COLBERT HIMSELF SPENT
THE WEEKEND THINKING ABOUT.
HIS CONCLUSION WELL, UNLIKE
TRUMP VOTERS, STEPHEN COLBERT’S
A VERY GOOD PERSON THEREFORE ANY
COMPARISON IS NOT SIMPLY
RIDICULOUS, IT IS A MORAL CRIME.
WATCH.
>> NOW, IT’S PREDICTABLE WHY
THESE TALKERS ARE TALKING LIKE
THIS ON THE TV.
THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE
JANUARY 6TH HEARINGS ON THE
TULSA DIGSIST INSURRECTION THAT
LED TO THE DEATHS OF MULTIPLE
PEOPLE AND THE INJURY OF OVER
140 POLICE OFFICERS.
BUT DRAWING ANY E EXECUTIVE LENS
BETWEEN RIOTERS STORMING OUR CAM
TO TO PREVENT THE COUNTING OF
ELECTORAL BALLOTS AND A CIGAR
CHOMPING TOY DOING IS SHAMEFUL
AND GROTESQUE TO EVERYBODY WHO
DIED.
EXTREMELY TRIVIAL ICES THE
COURAGE THE CAPITOL HILL POLICE
SHOWED ON THAT TERRIBLE DAY.
>> Tucker: YEAH.
IT WAS A TOY DOG YOU BEEN DOG.
IT’S SHAMEFUL.
IN OTHER WORDS, WHEN YOU
CRITICIZE ME YOU’RE REALLY
CRITICIZING THE BEHAVE CAPITOL
HILL POLICE OFFICERS WHO
ARRESTED THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR
ME WHO COMMITTED THE CRIMES I
ASKED THEM TO COMMIT AND I, FOR
ONE, WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.
THAT’S WHAT HE JUST SAID.
WHAT YOU HAVE THERE IS NOT MUCH
OF AN EXPLANATION IT DOESN’T
EXPLAIN ANYTHING.
IF HE SAID A MATT TERSE CLASS ON
WHINEY LIBERAL RIGHTEOUSNESS SO
PRECISE IT’S SPEAKING TOW
UNDERSTAND HOW OUR CIVILIZATION
COLLAPSED.
NOT ONLY AM I NOT SORRY, YOU’RE
THE CRIMINAL FOR BRINGING IT UP.
STOP HITTING ME HE SCREAMS AS HE
PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE.
THAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION TAKEN
TO THE LEVEL OF ART.
AND ANY WAY COLBERT SAYS SHUT
UP, I’M A COMEDIAN WITH A TOY
DOG, YOU CAN’T CRITICIZE ME.
SO THE QUESTION REALLY IS, IS
STEPHEN COLBERT A COMEDIAN?
WELL, IF YOU’RE ONE OF THE
RELATIVELY FEW PEOPLE WHO STILL
WATCHES STEPHEN COLBERT’S SHOW
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT IS HARD TO
TELL.
MOST NIGHTS STEPHEN COLBERT
SOUNDS LIKE THE NOTABLY UNFUNNY
JEAN PIERRE DELIVERING WHATEVER
TALKING POINTS THE WHITE HOUSE
TELLS HIM TO REPEAT.
AND IF YOU DOUBT THAT, HERE’S
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOE
BIDEN DID IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> HE’S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT!
.
>> Tucker: THE BIGGEST STORY
CONTINUES TO BE THE ONE YOU WERE
THINKING ABOUT WHEN YOU WEREN’T
SLEEPING LAST NIGHT.
AND IT’S THE ONE HAPPENING ALL
OVER AMERICA, THE PROTESTS IN
WAKE OF THE MURDER OF GEORGE
FLOYD.
AND PLEASE DON’T BUY THE FALSE
NARRATIVE THAT THESE ARE LAWLESS
MOBS.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF THESE
PROTESTS HAS BEEN PEACEFUL
>> A SIMPLE YET EXTREMELY
DIFFICULT SOLUTION.
REDUCE THE NUMBER OF GUNS.
WE’VE DONE IT BEFORE AND IT
WORKED.
RUSSIA’S INVASION OF UKRAINE IS
A HUMANITARIAN CRISIS BUT ALSO A
TRIUMPH OF HUMANITY.
>> TAKE THAT PUTIN!
>> OKAY.
SO I MIGHT HAVE THE MOST
PRIVILEGE OF ANY WHITE PERSON
YOU’VE EVER MET.
HOW DO I IDENTIFY THAT IN MY OWN
LIFE.
IF I HAVE WHITE PRIVILEGE I WANT
TO BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY IT.
GIVE ME SOME HINTS AS TO MY WHITE PRIVILEGE.
WHITE PRIVILEGE.
♪
VACCINE!
♪
>> Tucker: GET THE VAX PEASANTS,
SURRENDER YOUR GURNGS SUPPORT
UKRAINE AND REMEMBER IT’S CALLED
KYIV NOW.
THIS ISN’T COMEDY IT’S A SAD
MIDLIFE CRISIS BUT MORE THAN
THAT INFORMATION WAR BEING WAGED
AGAINST TELEVISION VIEWERS ON
BEHALF OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
AT LEAST FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESS SECRETARY DOES IT SHE
ADMITS WHAT SHE’S DOING.
COLBERT HIDES BEHIND HIS FORMER
JOB AS A CHEATIAN.
IT WAS ALL A JOKE.
WHEN PEOPLE BREAK INTO THE
CAPITOL IT’S INSURRECTION WHEN
WE DO IT IT’S COMEDY.
IT’S GETTING HARD TO MAINTAIN
THAT LIE AND HERE’S HOW YOU
KNOW.
COMEDIANS HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
IT IS IN FACT A JOB REQUIREMENT.
BUT STEPHEN COLBERT DOES NOT HE
HAS LOST HIS SENSE OF HUMOR
ALONG THE THE CRITICAL DISTANCE
AND PERSPECTIVE THAT MAKE IT
POSSIBLE.
AT THIS POINT HE’S A PARTISAN
SKOECHLT AND YOU KNOW THAT FOR
CERTAIN BECAUSE EVEN IF HE
WATCHED THE QANON SHAM AND
AROUND THE CAPITOL HE DID NOT
LIFT.
ANY COMEDIAN WOULD HAVE FOUND THAT HILARIOUS BECAUSE LET’S BE
THAT HILARIOUS BECAUSE LET’S BE
HONEST, IT WAS.
>> GLAD TO SEE YOU GUYS.
LOOK AT THIS GUY, GOD BLESS YOU.
SIR, DO YOU NEED MEDICAL
ATTENTION?
>> I’M GOOD, THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> I GOT SHOT IN THE PIPES WITH
SOME KIND OF PLASTIC BULLETS.
>> ANY CHANCE I CAN GET YOU GUYS
TO LEAVE?
>> JUST INSPECTING THE PLACE.
>> JUST WANT TO LET YOU GUYS
KNOW.
>> Tucker: HEY!
THE GUY IN THE BEAR SKIN AND THE
HORN HAT.
THAT’S NOT HILARIOUS?
YES, IT IS HILARIOUS.
NO, HE’S A SEDITIOUS INSUR
RICKSIST SAYS COLBERT.
HE NEEDS TO GO JAIL AND WHEN HE
WAS SENT TO JAIL HE APPLAUDED.
THAT’S HOUR MALICE ACT, NOT
COMEDIANS.
STEPHEN COLBERT MAY BE A LIGHT
NIGHT HOST STILL FOR SOME REASON
BUT HE HAS ZERO SENSE OF HUMOR.
HE OUGHT TO STEP ASIDE AND LET
SOME YOUNG PEOPLE WHO STILL GETS
JOKES TO HAVE THE JOB.
BUT HE WON’T.
HERE WAS COLBERT ON NOVEMBER 6,
2020.
WATCH.
>> IF YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT JOE
BIDEN WAS GETTING CLOSE TO 270,
DONALD TRUMP JUST PROVIDED ALL
THE PROOF YOU WILL EVER NEED.
TRUE STORY.
I’M WEARING BLACK TONIGHT
BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DRESSED
THIS AFTERNOON AND I THOUGHT HE
MIGHT TRY SOME SHENANIGANS AND
IT MIGHT BE FITTING TO TELL
JOKES WHILE WEARING SOMETHING
SOMBER IF HE GOES DOWN THAT DARK
PATH. WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD DO THIS.
WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD DO THIS.
>> Tucker:
>> WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW IS THAT IT
WOULD HURT SO MUCH.
>> Tucker: THOSE ARE REAL TEARS,
THE ONLY REAL THING ABOUT THAT
SHOW.
TRYING TO BELABOR THE POINT BUT
THE GUY’S NOT A COMEDIAN.
YOU WATCH A COMEDIAN AND THINK
THAT GUY’S HILARIOUS I WOULD
LOVE TO MEET HIM.
IMAGINE EATING A MEAL WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT.
OVER THE COURSE OF A TYPICAL
DINNER BY SOMETHING HE FINDS
OFFENSIVE.
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
100%.
HE IS A KAREN, A BRITTLE MIDDLE
AGE WOMEN WHO’S ALWAYS LECTURING
YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
HE’S ELIZABETH WARREN THEY EVEN
LOOK ALIKE.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM IN THE SAME
ROOM AT ANY POINT?
NO.
HE WAS TALENTED AT ONE POINT.
MICHAEL’S BEEN DOING HIS DOG
PUPPET ROUTINE FOR 30 YEARS,
THAT’S THE ONE COLBERT’S HIDING
BEHIND.
A DOG PUPPET.
IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY DURING THE
CLINTON ADMINISTRATION IT’S HACK
NOW.
MICHAEL KEEPS DOING IT BECAUSE
HE HAS A POLITICAL MESSAGE.
NO ONE LAUGHS AT ROBERT ANYMORE,
IT’S PATHETIC.
WHO’S FUNNIER, ROBERT OR THE GUY
WHO TOOK PICTURES OF HIMSELF AT
NANCY PELOSI’S DESK ON
JANUARY 6TH.
BE HONEST.
IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
THE GUY AT PELOSI’S DESK IS
HILARIOUS COMPARED WITH THE GUY
WITH THE TALKING DOG AND NONE OF
THEM IS HALF AS FUN AGAIN SORRY
IT’S TRUE AS DONALD TRUMP.
AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.
SHOW US THE LATE NIGHT HOST WHO
SAID ANYTHING HALF AS AMUSING AS
TRUMP’S TACO BOWL TWEET.
ANY OF THEM EVER?
NO, NEVER.
THESE PEOPLE ARE SO AFRAID AND
TERRIFIED HOLDING ON TO THEIR
STUPID JOBS LATE INTO MIDDLE AGE
HOW DO THEY RESPOND OVER CINCO
de MAYO?
FAWNING OVER THE CUISINE OF THE
LATIN X COMMUNITY.
NOBODY LIKES THAT.
AND THAT’S WHY IN TEND HE HAS
NOT A SINGLE HISPANIC VIEWER.
HIS AUDIENCE IS ENTIRELY SELF
HATING WHITE LIBERALS LIKE HIM.
NO ONE WATCHES ANYMORE THAT’S
FINE THAT’S CBS’S PROBLEM.
BUT DON’T TELL US YOU’RE A
COMEDIAN AND XEFRM FROM THE
NORMAL RULES OF BEHAVIOR AND
NORMAL FEDERAL LAWS ABOUT