- Thanksgiving is a big day for family,
and one of the most stressful parts
is figuring out where to seat the people at the dinner table.
That is--don't you think that that's the hardest thing?
'Cause they're like, "Why am I
sitting over here when--" You know.
So today I thought I would help you out.
Bring out my table, please.
[audience laughter]
All right, well.
These are not ghosts. These are--
[audience laughter]
These are representing your family,
and I am going to show you how things should go.
All right.
So here we go.
So here at the end of the table,
we have Grandma, because...
[audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
It's a good place for a grandma to be,
because let's be honest:
Grandma's gonna keep talking about "those people"
and you don't know who she's talking about,
but you're pretty sure it's offensive,
so it's best that nobody hears
what she's talking about.
All right, over here, we have your Uncle Bob.
And... [audience laughter]
he's gonna have Bluetooth in his ear the entire time,
even though no one is calling him.
[audience laughter]
He was also on the last episode of "Dateline,"
so we keep him down here.
Next to him is his new wife, Crystal.
[audience laughter]
[laughter and applause]
She's into stuffing and I don't mean the food.
[audience laughter]
What--[laughs]
[audience laughter]
What's awkward is that she's seated right next to
your uncle's first wife, Jan.
Now I'm scared to take things off here.
Oh. [audience laughter]
Looks like Jan's been crying.
She's mad because he got the big screen TV,
and her stuffing is old and flat.
[audience laughter]
So-- [audience laughter]
[audience laughter]
[laughs]
She's stuck between the new wife and your Aunt Melissa.
Who is--[laughs]
[audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- Napkin? - Thank you.
[audience laughter]
Who usually brings her "roommate," but...
[audience laughter]
Judy, but Judy just moved out,
so Melissa is eating all the stuffing,
and I do mean the food.
Um-- [audience laughter]
So-- [audience laughter]
Over here, we have the kids' table.
At my house, we call that "outside."
And... [audience laughter]
If it's inside in your house, here's an idea
to make everything less stressful.
Hey kids. [audience laughter]
[audience laughter]
You send the kids over to the main table.
Go on, git. Git.
You get to the main table,
and then you stay here and enjoy a nice meal all by yourself.
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
And then, as soon as the dinner is over,
you pretend like you're sleeping until the dishes are done,
and then, you just work off that meal with a dance.