- Hey everybody, today I wanna talk
with you about transference in therapy.
What is it, why does it happen, and how can we make it stop.
(gentle music)
First let's define transference.
Now transference describes an experience
when a person unconsciously redirects certain
feelings, expectations, or desires onto someone else.
Now this most commonly occurs in therapy meaning
a client transfers all of this stuff onto their therapist,
but it can happen in our regular life to.
Now the reason that it's called transference
is because we're transferring all of those feeling,
desire's, expectations onto someone else
and trying to, essentially, recreate a past
relationship that could have been hurtful.
Often times it's like a parental type role
but it can be romantic to, let's say we had
a really abusive or neglectful significant other,
or a abusive or neglectful mother, father,
we can transfer all that we feel
and all that's happened in that relationship
onto another person.
And like I said, it's most commonly your therapist.
And the reason that they think that transference occurs
most commonly in therapy is
because it's essential a safe place
and so often times it allows our subconscious
to really speak and we can emote more
because it's kind of that environment where
we're supposed to be doing that in the first place.
And I also briefly want to touch on what
countertransference is because I'm sure if you
looked up transference at anytime you saw
counter transference as another definition.
Now countertransference is kind of what it sounds like.
If we as a client are transferring some feelings
and desires and expectations onto
the therapist or onto someone else, that other person can
counter back and react out of it.
And what that really means in therapy is
that the therapist hasn't got their shit together,
they haven't been in therapy themselves,
or it's been a while, or maybe they're having
a really long day, cause we're human to, right,
we're not perfect, but countertransference is when we,
as the person who's been transferred onto reacts out
of those expectations and those feelings
and usually it's kind of like a negative thing,
meaning if you were to transfer onto me all
that you felt about your neglectful father
and I get angry, and frustrated,
and I act out like that, that would be what we would
consider counter transference, does that make sense?
I hope it's clear, I'll also put in the description
like my own definition if this isn't making sense to you.
Now transference can be both good and bad,
meaning the emotions or the things
that we're transferring onto someone else can be
good things or bad things, so know that it's not
always a bad thing, we can be transferring on loving,
hopeful, good feelings because it's, you know,
the relationship with maybe our closest grandma,
or aunt that we are transferring
onto our therapist or our friend.
And know that transference in therapy can
also be romantically based meaning
that we may transfer on some loving,
romantic feelings, I've heard from a lot
of people that they've even, quote unquote,
stalked they're therapist, like looked up
stuff up about them online so they could figure
out where they live and how many kids they have,
and see pictures of them on Facebook,
know that that's all kind of part
of this and it's completely normal.
The thing that's the most important is
that when we feel these things coming up,
when we find ourselves putting all of those emotions
and expectations or maybe we're having romantic feelings
for our therapist that we talk about it in therapy,
and I know many of you just cringed
and like hid your face because I don't wanna
talk about it, what are they gonna think.
Like I said at the very, very beginning,
this is so incredibly normal it's part of
the therapeutic process for many people
and the sooner we start talking about it in therapy,
the sooner it'll go away.
Because when transference isn't addressed
or worked through in therapy it can leave us at
that spot, meaning if we were acting out of
a child time memory, like we're transferring on
a child hood memory in a relationship with a person
when we were a child, if that's where we're coming from,
it can leave us feeling like that child again,
without any tools to cope and it can make us feel
very frantic, very vulnerable, and extremely scared.
Like I said, transference can occur
in therapy and out of therapy.
When it's happening outside of therapy
I just wanna caution you, if we notice
it's happening and we can feel it,
it's extremely dangerous
because people aren't going to really know how
to respond, a lot of people out there aren't therapists
and don't even know what transference is
and wonder why you're acting so differently towards them
and so it can actually put us in a situation
where we're extremely vulnerable
and we maybe acting out that child like state,
and we've left ourselves open and someone
could be very damaging and lash out or cut us out
of their life, and cut off completely
and that can leave us feeling even more lost
and even more hurt and almost leave us stuck
in that childhood, or that child like experience.
But when this happens in therapy it's truly so helpful.
What it shows me as a therapist is what
stuff do we really need to work on?
Are there things that we haven't even touched
on because we've been so busy managing other symptoms?
This tells me when there's unresolved stuff,
it's almost like a little red flag, like hey,
over here, you forgot to work on this
and so know that it's not seen as a negative thing,
it's actually, to me, very positive
because then I can take that information,
we can talk all that you've been putting at me
and pulling into the room and we can talk about it,
we can process it.
I can realize maybe that relationship is what
we need to be working on most so that we
can give you the space and time to heal.
Give you some tools so that you don't feel stuck
in that space, you don't have to feel like you
have to try to keep recreating those relationships,
hoping for a different outcome.
We, together, can work on some tools
and give you some things to use so that
that stops happening altogether.
So just make sure that you do you best to express
this to you therapist because if we don't know
that you're feeling this way we can't really help
you work on it, we're not mind readers, right,
we're human to so work on telling them,
whether that's writing it down and emailing it to them,
however you can communicate it best,
let them know what you're feeling
and what maybe you are experiencing in therapy,
in the room, with them because only
then can we help you process through it.
Also when a lot of my clients are struggling
with transference, and even though we're trying
to talk about it it kinda gets in the way.
Something that has been helpful is for me to explain
to them all of that ways that I'm
different from that person.
It could be just one mannerism that I'm doing
that reminds you of them
and that's why the transference is happening.
So we need to figure out that other things,
other than that one mannerism that are different
and that set me apart from that other person.
But as always if you feel that the transference
is getting in your way, it's making therapy impossible,
and it's impeding you progress, it's perfectly okay
to say that to them and to ask for other referrals
and start seeing someone else because at the end of
the day it's just really important that you know
this is normal, it's part of the work in therapy,
and it can be overcome, with the right therapist, right?
I hope you found that helpful, I know this is something
a lot of you have been wondering about so leave
in the comments what's been your experience,
and if you're new to my channel don't forget
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and I will see you next time, bye.
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