- He's the first player in NBA history
to have his shoe size, IQ, and jersey
all be the same number.
- I'm asking you to believe in a man
with the voice of Stevie Wonder
and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.
- All right! - The host with the most.
Step stools in your apartment.
- If you're here, who's scaring the crows
away from our crops?
- Score! I know my roasts.
(crowd cheering) (upbeat music)
- [Jewel] (beep) amazingly has slept with some
of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood,
proving just how ugly show business makes women feel.
- Um, I think it's Pete Davidson.
- I think it's David Spade on this one.
Because I think it could also be Bob Saget,
but I want to go David Spade
just 'cause the thought of it is funnier to me.
- David Spade, amazingly, has slept
with some of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood,
proving just how ugly show business makes women feel.
- I knew it. I knew this was gonna be about David Spade.
I don't know why.
- [Peyton] The only thing you're consistently on is Twitter,
which is surprising because you've never been able
to master one character, let alone 140.
- (indistinct), Rob Lowe.
- I'm gonna go with Rob Lowe on this one.
Let's see if I got it right.
- The only thing you're consistently on is Twitter,
which is surprising because you've never been able
to master one character, let alone 140.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, 'cause he's the only one that's an actor.
- Boom, that's it. That's such a great moment there.
It was the straight quarterback option.
He ran the rock on that one.
- [Ken] (beep) one of our generation's finest actors,
but let's face it, your recent movies have been so shitty,
I'm surprised I'm not in them.
- Uh, Justin Gordon-Levitt?
- I'm gonna to say De Niro.
- Robert De Niro, one of our generation's finest actors,
but let's face it, your recent movies have been so shitty,
I'm surprised I'm not in them.
- Damn! Wait, his movies been shitty?
Really? Honestly, I don't really follow the man.
I did see "The Irishman" and that movie
was an hour and a half too long.
You know, there's certain things you don't get back,
and time that I spent watching "The Irishman"
I'm never gonna get back.
I was in prison. I was trapped in a theater.
- [Greg] (beep) you are a genital wart
on the cock of American culture.
- Oh definitely, Tom Arnold. (buzzer buzzing)
- I'm gonna go with Bob Saget
because he's the most likely to actually have genital warts.
- Bob, you are a genital wart
on the cock of American culture.
(audience laughing)
- [Pete] If you're here, who's scaring the crows
away from our crops?
- I don't think Joan Rivers would work on a farm.
It's kind of a "Green Acres" vibe right there.
Lisa Lampanelli, she'd probably eat the crops.
So it's probably the Nazi from the end
of "Raiders and the Lost," I mean, Ann Coulter.
- Ann Coulter.
- And Ann Coulter is here, everybody.
Ann Coulter, if you're here,
who's scaring the crows away from our crops?
- Score!
That's the only time anyone's ever scored with Ann Coulter.
- [Joseph] (beep) may be the only person on the planet
who can prevent a nuclear war,
so I guess this is goodbye.
- Well, I know that nobody would put the nukes
in Tyson's hands, and I think that Caitlyn Jenner
got rid of her missile.
I'm gonna probably have to go with Dennis Rodman
because of his friendship with you know who.
- The answer is Dennis Rodman.
- Dennis may be the only person on the planet
who can prevent a nuclear war,
so I guess this is goodbye.
- Dennis Rodman being friends
with the leader of North Korea?
There's more holes in that story than there are in his face.
- I was at this roast and I remember this moment
and I just remember staring at this guy
throughout the entire night, like how in the world
did Comedy Central even get this dude to be on a roast?
Because he just was a whole mess that night.
- [Hannibal] They say that you roast the ones you love,
but I don't like you at all, man.
I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me.
- Franco, maybe. (buzzer buzzing)
- Maybe I have some unknown Bachelor degree in roasting,
but I'm pretty confident that this is Hannibal
talking about Justin Bieber.
- And now the man of the hour, Justin Bieber,
you dainty wigger, you.
Justin Bieber, they say that you roast the ones you love
but I don't like you at all, man.
I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me.
- Dainty wigger is incredible.
- Hannibal said, "You started from the bottom
and you're still a bottom."
He didn't say you started from the bottom
and you're still at the bottom.
- [Pete] When I first met (beep) I thought, wow,
Jeff Dunham's puppets are getting amazing.
- B! I don't know.
- Jimmy Carr?
- When I first met Jimmy Carr, I thought, wow,
Jeff Dunham's puppets are getting amazing.
- Jimmy Carr has a bit of a marionette posture.
- He sorta does look like that, what he said.
- [Bill] You're like the Daniel Day-Lewis
of only doing one thing.
- I feel like I've seen Seth Rogen in the same movie
three times with different titles.
I think it's Seth Rogen.
- Ooh, that's tough 'cause they're all
kind of one-trick phonies.
Aziz does the weird yelling thing.
and then Seth Rogen just gets high
and laughs at his own jokes.
I'm going Rogen 'cause Rogen's an actor.
- Aziz, I admire how you've never taken
the stereotypical Indian roles,
but still, what an actor, such phenomenal range.
You're like the Daniel Day-Lewis of only doing one thing.
(audience laughing)
- Ah.
- That's fair.
- [Kevin] A man with the voice of Stevie Wonder
and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.
- Who he's saying it about?
I was thinking Caitlyn Jenner because she ran over a guy
and killed him, but it's not Caitlyn Jenner.
That wasn't an option.
I guess I gotta go Bieber
'cause I think he got into a few car wrecks.
- I'm asking you to believe in a man with the voice
of Stevie Wonder and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.
- All right!
Yes, I deduced it with the power of joke writing.
By the way, one of the last jokes Kevin Hart ever wrote.
Hey, hey, all right, now I'm doing some roasting, folks.
He's very short.
- [Natasha] (beep) does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
He climbs out of his own bathtub. He goes up on his wife.
- Oh my God. I feel like it definitely has to be Kevin Hart.
He gets it with the short jokes all the time.
And Aziz is not that short 'cause I've seen him before.
I think it's Kevin Hart.
- Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
He climbs out of his own bathtub. He goes up on his wife.
(audience laughing)
- There we go. Got it.
- [Justin] (beep) thanks for coming.
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my God. Well, Sarah Silverman's nuts.
I feel like she's always dating somebody.
So I don't think that's true.
I don't think he would bring that up to Jewel
because I don't think he knows what Jewel's doing.
So I unfortunately think that this is about Martha Stewart.
- Martha, thanks for coming.
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.
(audience laughing)
- There it is. Two for two.
- [James] Just once I'd like to play
some of the diverse roles that (beep) gets,
like the rat-faced attorney.
- Oh my God.
God, that's tough.
I'll go Nick Kroll. I'll go Nick Kroll.
'Cause those other dudes are handsome.
You know, not that Nick's not. You know what I'm saying.
- Just once I'd like to play some of the diverse roles
that Nick Kroll gets, like the rat-faced attorney.
- That one's tough. James Franco's a handsome man.
- [Hannibal] He's the first player in NBA history
to have his shoe size, IQ, and jersey
all be the same number.
- I want to say it's Shaq.
Something in my heart is telling me it's Shaq,
I think because number one,
I don't want any Blake Griffin slander,
but moreso because I just have a feeling.
I have a good feeling about it.
- Definitely Shaq on the Justin Bieber roast.
- Shaq's a very unique player in NBA history.
He's the first player in NBA history to have his shoe size,
IQ, and jersey all be the same number.
- See, and I knew that not even knowing
what number Shaq is on his jersey.
'Cause how would I?
- Yeah, bonus points. I get bonus points.
I knew which one it was.
I'm calling my bank shots. Boom!
- [Alec] (beep) tonight you demonstrated what you do best:
sitting while others score.
- Okay, I know it's not Dennis Rodman.
It's either Shaq or Blake Griffin.
Shaq or Blake Griffin.
I don't know why I get really competitive
about things like this.
I probably shouldn't give a shit.
I'm going to say Blake Griffin.
- Blake Griffin, tonight you demonstrated what you do best:
sitting while others score.
(audience laughing)
- Fuckin' knew it.
- [Nick] (beep) is here!
Or as I like to call him:
better-looking, more successful me.
- Oh man, I'm gonna guess James Franco
'cause I don't think Andy Sandberg
is that much better-looking than Nick Kroll.
- Andy Samberg is here!
(audience applauding)
Or as I like to call him:
better-looking, more successful me.
- That makes sense.
- [David] For years, (beep) had a sex addiction,
but he cared it by getting less famous.
- Um, Rob Lowe.
- For years, Rob Lowe had a sex addiction,
but he cured it by getting less famous.
(audience laughing)
- [Nikki] (beep) is here! (audience cheering)
Looking like Alf.
- Okay, Dom Irrera, Larry King, and Robert De Niro
all look like Alf.
This is gonna be a really tough one.
(Danny making beeping sounds)
Larry King? (buzzer buzzing)
- Robert De Niro is here! (audience cheering)
Looking like Alf.
- Ah, I was wrong.
I know less about Larry Kings and more about hairy queens.
- [Pete] You might know (beep) from your mom's
"That's What I Call Music! CD."
- Well, I remember this joke, actually,
so this is a joke about Ludacris.
- You might know Ludacris from your mom's
"That's What I Call Music!" CDs.
- Ludacris gave a laugh like, yeah, that was a good joke,
but I'm also super successful, so carry on.
- [Seth] Your acting is like "Inception."
There's no sense of reality.
It's impossible to follow what's happening,
and midway through, we realized
you were unconscious the whole time.
- Hasselhoff. Am I right?
- David, your acting is like "Inception."
There's no sense of reality.
It's impossible to follow what's happening
and midway through, we realized
you were unconscious the whole time.
- Okay, so I was right.
Well, the reason I thought that it was David Hasselhoff
is because there's the famous video of him gouging down
some burgers laying drunk on the floor.
So I don't know. That's the memory that came to my mind.
- [Chris] (beep) You've got the dumbest face.
(audience laughing)
You look like a rhinoceros looking for his own horn.
- I think it's Blake Griffin.
- Blake, you've got the dumbest face.
(audience laughing)
You look like a rhinoceros looking for his own horn.
Where it's at, up there? Down there?
Two-eyed cyclops.
- [Sean] (beep) true passion has always been the theater.
(beep) loves to hit the stage
because it can't press charges.
- I'm gonna go with Alec Baldwin
because I think he called his daughter, like, a piggy
or something or he punched a camera man.
Alec Baldwin's got a bit of a switch.
So I'm going old Baldy.
- Of course Alec's true passion has always been the theater.
Alec loves to hit the stage because it can't press charges.
- That's a good joke. All right, Hayes.
That's great.
- [Nikki] The host with the most
step stools in your apartment.
- Oh my God, I know this is David Spade.
It's just a perfect joke for him.
It's just there. It's definitely not the other ones.
- David Spade, the host with the most
step stools in your apartment.
- Okay, good.
- [Nikki] (beep) looks to me like if a marionette
became a boy and then that boy became an asshole.
- Pete Davidson. (buzzer buzzing)
- Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy
and then that boy became an asshole.
- Ah, I just jumped the gun there.
(upbeat music) (fire crackling)