I have a lazy eye, actually
I call it my easy bake eye.
(audience laughing)
I got a bad case of easy bake eye,
don't feel bad.
I think there's a reason,
there's always a reason.
I have prayed to God,
why do I have a lazy eye?
I think it's so I don't know
when I'm around shallow people.
I don't know if that's it,
or I get to park by sound.
Just I'm there, get out.
(audience laughing)
Tell me if you think
this would be funny,
if I prayed to God to fix my lazy eye
and God said, "I don't know,
"are you talking to me, or?"
(audience laughing)
Is that a keeper?
(audience clapping)
I have to pray like this.
(audience laughing)
If you have a lazy eye,
you know it is,
people actually will move over
when I'm talking to 'em.
(audience laughing)
But it does make you kind of funny,
so that's the silver lining.
Actually, I'd say
every cloud has a silly lining.
I'm writing a book about
kind of tragic funny stories
just to demonstrate that.
I go around talking about humor,
and why we actually need it. I don't
know if a lot of people know this,
it's a basic human need.
I actually have a history
as a registered nurse,
and thank you one person.
No, you don't have to clap for that,
but yes, are you a nurse
also with a wiener dog,
what are the odds?
(audience laughing)
What are the odds? We are maybe,
Did we get disconnected
at birth or something?
I mean, do you have a lazy eye?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I can tell
you're looking right at me.
(audience laughing)
I'm actually talking to you
and that guy in the hat.
He's like, I'm not a nurse,
why is she saying this?
My eye goes out and up slightly,
kinda like it makes the move
like a chess piece,
like the knight goes up over one,
anyway, over two, whatever.
Up one, over two, up two over one,
doesn't matter. But that's basically,
okay, so you are a nurse too.
Thank you for doing the job
that I could not do.
I actually got out of nursing
for the same reason
a lot of people get into it,
to save lives.
(audience laughing)
I'm not a great nurse.
(audience laughing)
I didn't wanna really be a nurse,
my mom tricked me,
that's another story.
That's how that works,
is your mom a nurse?
- [woman in audience] no.
- No, 'cause that happens.
Is your dad an alcoholic?
(audience laughing)
He's right there, he's like, "No."
(audience laughing)
That's not how that works.
Sometimes you go into nursing,
'cause your mom is a nurse
your dad's an alcoholic,
'cause there's something
about being codependent,
a lot of us, I come from
five generations of nurses,
that's a lot of codependency.
If you know about codependency,
we have a little trouble
having our own feelings,
we have other people's feelings
for them.
I actually have pendants
that I sometimes sell,
they're called co-dependants.
(audience laughing)
And on one side they say,
"I honor myself."
'Cause that's what we need
to learn to do in life
is honor ourselves.
And on the other side,
"If you don't mind."
(audience laughing)
Again, first draft, first draft.
(audience laughing)
But thank you for doing that job.
My mom, she never told me
to be a nurse,
I would have argued. Again,
it was through the gifts and toys,
how we program our kids,
I give my son Legos,
he wants to be an engineer.
My mother gave me dolls,
but not the normal dolls
that wet and cried,
I got a doll that choked
and then fainted.
I don't know if you had
Resusci Annie. Did
she ever bring home the Resusci?
(audience laughing)
Anybody else get that doll
that you drag out from
under the Christmas tree
and try and revive
before she drifts towards
the little Dolly white light.
I'm still doing CPR from 1983,
by the way.
I'm not learning the new stuff,
it's just too hard.
Unlearning is the hardest thing we do,
I'm still doing the neck tilt
five to one, come on.
It's good enough.
You get the knockoff doll at Walmart,
the Heidi Heimlich maneuver.
(audience laughing)
Chicken bone sold separately,
(audience laughing)
pull her little string,
"Hi, my name's Heidi
"gee this chicken is..."
(audience laughing)
Watch out, a lot of dolls do drift
towards the Dolly white light,
which turns out is the light
from the easy bake oven.
(audience laughing)
Who left that on this whole time?
Somebody left it on.
I loved being a nurse,
i actually, one of my favorite jobs
I did hospice nursing
and that's actually how I ended up
doing stand-up comedy,
because I witnessed people
going through death and dying and
I know this is not
a great comedy subject,
but it's a part of life.
Life is short and life is beautiful,
and do what you love,
and that's what I learned
from these people.
The gift they gave me
when I saw people dying with peace,
was that they had lived their dreams,
they had honored their hearts.
And I always wanted to do stand-up
since I was very, very little,
since I was born cross-eyed.
I always wanted to because
people laughed at me,
I might as well make money at it.
(audience laughing)
So, that's the gift I got
from doing hospice nursing,
and I wasn't really meant to be a nurse,
I mean, look at, it's all about them.
Have you noticed that in nursing?
(audience laughing)
Obviously I like attention
from strangers.
(audience laughing)
When you are on the floor,
it's like, oh, my arm is broken,
my chest is hurting,
my cervix is dilating,
me, me, me, me, me.
(audience laughing)
And that's just the doctors.
(audience laughing)