- You're a vampire.
- Are you scared?
(dramatic music)
- No.
(Damien yells)
- How about now?
- No.
(Damien yelling gibberish)
- How is that? Was that scary?
- No, that was not scary at all.
It's pretty lame actually.
- Okay, this one's gonna scare the (beep) out of you.
- Just try me. Whatever.
Yeah.
(ominous music)
I can do that too. See, look.
(Edward screaming)
- How do you do that?
- I learned how to do that when I was like five.
- That's spooky. - What?
Are all older guys just like (beep) weird?
- Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Every "Twilight" ever.
- So do, like, all vampires play baseball?
(thunder rumbling)
- Only when there's a thunderstorm on the horizon.
- We're so strong and sexy
that when we hit the ball it's so loud.
- It's sounds like thunder
so it's easier to hide it during the storm.
(lightning crackling) (thunder rumbling)
- Wow. Who knew baseball could be this arousing?
♪ Sketch me out from the silver screen ♪
(thunder rumbling)
♪ I wanna be somebody ♪
(dramatic music)
(ball thuds)
- Oh! (whimpers)
No, no, no.
- Leave her.
(Bella whimpering)
- [Voiceover] I have to.
(soft music)
- You should come to the beach with us.
We're all going.
- Bella, I told you I can't do anything you want me to do.
Unless, I'd, like, decide how I already want to do it.
- Do want to kiss me?
(both panting) (intimate music)
- Are you guys gonna, like, kiss?
Or, like, what is this?
(school bell ringing)
Okay, the bell already rang
so, like, you should probably be done
with, like, whatever this is.
Like, be done. Now.
- Okay, I'll eat you later. - What?
- I'll see you later. - Oh.
- To eat. Or kiss. - Okay. What? Kiss.
I'll meet you. Yeah.
- [Voiceover] No.
- Cullens, I see you brought a snack.
- Go away, Laurent. You're not wanted here.
- Also, guys, don't wanna break up
this whole good-versus-evil vampire thing we have going on,
but, uh, am I the only black vampire?
- Uh, can we do this another time, Laurent?
- I'm just saying!
You don't wanna bite any bite any black people?
You racist?
(Alice gasps)
- I think it'd be racist if we did, right?
- Yes, I agree with him. No. - Us? The Cullens? No.
- I'm just saying it's kinda (beep) up!
- I'll bite you.
- Oh, wow. Wow, you're so woke.
Get the (beep) out of here, Alice!
I'm already a vampire!
I don't want your stupid pity-ass bite reparations!
What the (beep) I look like?
(beep) you, Alice! (beep) you, Carlisle!
(beep) you, Edward!
And (beep) that stupid human-ass bitch right over there!
Yeah, I said it!
(footsteps fading)
- [Voiceover] Glitter.
- Hey, I'm always on bottom lifting you up
and running up the mountain.
Why is that?
- You're a vampire with super speed and strength.
- Hmm, I don't feel like this is an equal partnership.
I mean, you never even offer.
I don't always want to be on bottom.
And you always make me the big spoon. Why is that?
- Edward, I can't carry you. I have to be on top.
- I don't always want a bottom.
- You must bottom, Edward.
- Sometimes I want to be on top.
- You don't have the confidence!
(lighting crackling) (Edward gasps)
(thunder rumbling)
- [Voiceover] I can't.
- It's time to battle, Cullens.
We will destroy you.
- Aro, Renesmee is not a threat
and fighting will only result in a death of us all.
I had a vision.
- No.
We must battle.
- No!
- Ooh, we're gonna battle you so hard. (cackles)
Goo-goo-ga-ga. Ah!
(Alice sighs)
(wind blowing)
- Are you guys gonna fight
or just stand around in this sexy vampire tableau?
(wind blowing)
(Jackie chomping)
Guys?
People are trying to use the fields, okay?
So let's pick something. Yeah?
(intense music)
- Oh, I can't battle you.
- Really?
- (scoffs) Wow! (chuckles)
This is the last time I buy tickets to a fight.
(beep) wasting my time.
(beep)
- Are older guys just like (beep) weird?
- Yeah.
(beep)
We all ride those bicycles with the big front wheel.
- You too? - Yeah.
- Ah, it's not so sexy.
- It's super cool for when we were young.
You just don't know about it.
- I don't know about it.
I'm 17. - So cool.
- Okay, cut. - Wait, you're what?
You're what? Hold on.
Hold on. What? What's up?
(all laughing)
(beep)
- [Laurent] Get your pity bite reparation
and stick 'em up your ass!
- I got lots of vampire friends.
- I got some books I need to read, boy.
- I'm from 100 years ago.
- I would've voted for Obama three times if I could.
- Alec Baldwin? - 30 times.
We were around for a lot of terms.
(all laughing)
- Alec Baldwin?
(beep)
(amusing music)
- Oh my god.
Freaks.
Why can't I get a boyfriend?
(beep)
- It's time to battle, Cullens.
Oh, it fell that time.
(Courtney laughing)
(beep)
It's time to battle, Cullens.
(both laughing)
(beep)
- There's a reason things are the way they are.
♪ And the reason is you ♪
- [Director] Okay, back to one.
(Kimmy chuckles)
(beep)
- Ooh, we're gonna battle you so hard.
(beep)
Hold on.
I'll try that over.
(beep)
- I'm a vampire. I can do that (beep).
- But I'm not supposed to?
- No. - 'Cause I'm 17?
- What's up?
- I'm 17.
- Yeah. - You're 17, too, right?
- Me, too.
- For the 86th time. - Together, we're 17.
Oh, (beep).
(both laughing)
- I'm just kidding. I can't. We absolutely should not.
No, no, no, no.
(beep)
(both panting) (amusing music)
- [Director] Stop. (both laughing)