- [Robin] Oh, yeah, good stretch.
Excellent.
- [Marco] Wow.
- [Robin] Excellent boy.
A friend shaped boy.
We're here to teach him some things.
He's probably not gonna learn,
he's not gonna do it.
Yeah, you gotta T-pose and that's how he'll learn.
- It's okay.
It's all right, Fig.
There's no pressure here, this is a no pressure environment.
- [Robin] Oh, thanks.
Oh, good boy.
You're such a good boy.
- [Marco] Does Fig respond to Fig?
- [Robin] Sometimes.
I don't know if he just responds to Fig,
or if he just responds to me saying something.
Fig.
(gasp) Yeah, that's your name.
- [Marco] Hey, Fig.
- This is my son and he doesn't,
this is my son and he doesn't know very many things.
Including manners.
He's a very rude, naughty guy.
Is this good lighting?
Is there light behind me?
- It is. - Okay.
I'm gonna try and teach him some tricks.
I don't know anything about teaching pets stuff.
I don't know how to do it, but he loves treats.
He loves treats and he loves to eat.
And he's got a big, old belly.
So, we're gonna see how it goes.
One thing I wanted to teach him,
which I think maybe he knows a little bit,
is how to give me a kiss.
- [Marco] Aw.
- If I go, give me a kiss.
Give me a kiss and he'll like sniff my,
hey Fig, give me a kiss.
Give me a kiss.
- [Marco] We only want consensual kisses here, Robbie.
- Sometimes he does it.
I'm gonna go get his treats.
I'll try and be, like, really quiet,
'cause if he just even sees the bag
he'll just want to eat the treat.
He won't care what I'm saying.
I don't think this, this isn't gonna work.
- Quality. - Do you like my jorts?
- [Marco] They're very nice.
- I made them myself.
I went snip-snop and then they were jorts.
(bright music)
I'm not doin' anything.
No, I'm not.
- [Marco] He knows.
- There's nothing here.
I have nothing in my hand.
I'm not doing anything.
- [Marco] Product placement.
- No, I'm not sponsored.
He hasn't noticed.
No, no, no, no, no, no, he saw it!
No, no, it's not, no.
There's nothing in my hands!
There's nothing. (cat meowing)
No, I don't know what you're talking about.
I haven't seen them anywhere.
- [Marco] I see 'em all.
I'm Fig.
I want to eat 'em now.
- There's no treats here.
Is it weird that I think they smell nice?
(cat meowing)
No, I don't have any treats
but we're gonna teach you something.
He doesn't have any treats.
He doesn't have anything for you.
- [Marco] I'm sorry.
- What's the first trick we should do?
- [Marco] I think he's too excited for the treat
so he's gonna be like, I'm not gonna do that,
just give me the damn treat.
- Yeah, exactly.
I'm trying to do it like you do with a dog, right?
Sit, Fig.
Fig.
Give me a kiss.
- [Marco] (laughing) He just wants it.
- Can you hear how loud he's purring?
(cat purring)
Wait, no, Fig there's nothing in this hand.
There's nothing in it.
As soon as he sits I'm gonna give it to him.
Fig, sit.
Sit.
Sit. (Marco laughing)
Sit.
Good boy!
He sat down, kinda.
- That worked! - Okay, Fig.
No, not yet, you've got to sit down.
- [Marco] I don't think he's gonna make
the correlation that when he sits he--
- I think we just gotta repeat.
Fig, sit, sit.
Sit down!
That's kinda sitting.
Okay, fine, here you go.
I'm just such a pushover.
He just really wants it so I'm like, okay, you can have it.
It's fine.
Maybe he speaks a different language.
Oh, he's from Poland.
Maybe he doesn't understand.
What's sit in Polish?
- [Marco] I have no idea.
- Okay, Google translate.
From, no, not Greek, English.
Fig, can you calm down a tiny bit, thanks.
Sit.
Oh, geez, I can't say that.
(phone speaking in foreign language)
(Robin speaking in foreign language)
Fig, he's sitting.
Was that sitting? - Yeah.
- Sit.
Sit.
Good boy!
Yeah, eat it, yeah good boy.
Remember when I said sit before
and you sat down and you got a treat?
That's what you need to do again.
Sit, sit.
- [Marco] What if he starts to think,
oh, sit must be my name?
- Sit.
Sit.
(Marco laughs)
Sit, that's the sitting position.
Sit.
Ow, he bit my finger.
Sit, yeah, good boy!
Maybe we have to hold it up.
Yeah, that's what people do with dogs.
'Cause then they have to sit down to look at it.
Fig, sit.
No, not stand.
Fig, Fig sit.
Oh, was that a sit?
Yeah sit, good boy!
Fig, sit.
Oh, yeah that's a sit.
There you go.
Do you wanna lick my hands?
(upbeat music)
I'm so proud of my son. - Wam!
- How about let's try with no treat this time.
Fig, sit.
He did it!
He was sitting already.
Oh, I know something cool he can do sometimes.
He stands up on his back legs and then he turns around.
Spin, that's the thing. - Ah, yes.
- We're gonna do a circus trick
'cause you're a circus dog now.
Spin, yeah, that was a spin!
Good boy! - He did it.
- He's a dancing boy.
Spin.
Yeah, that was a beautiful one.
He's such a little ballerina.
We love a gender-roles crushing cat.
Okay, spin.
You gotta do a nice, graceful one.
That was a really good spin.
- [Marco] Wow, that was very pretty.
- I think he's getting to be good at this.
Spin, (gasps) so good!
He's actually so good at this.
Spin.
Yeah, there you go, good boy.
Does it look like he understands?
Or is he just following the--
- [Marco] I don't think so.
Yeah, 'cause he's just--
- Okay, just one more do a good spin.
Spin.
Yeah, that was a good one!
Okay, you can lick my hands now.
This is my favorite part of the training.
Yes, that's the stuff.
Spin, spin.
Spin!
(laughs) You did so good today.
You've learned so many things.
You've learnt how to be needy and manipulative.
Oh, look check this out.
Oh, yeah.
Good boy, that's my son.
- [Marco] Is that illegal on the internet?
Should I not be...
- Are you sexualizing my son? - No.
- Figgy did you have a good time today learning?
What else can we do with Fig?
We could take him for a walk. - Yeah.
- Okay Fig, come here, be a good little guy.
Be a good little boy.
Yeah, lay down, so good.
He knows he's got to lay down.
My worst fear is clipping my son's neck with his thing.
- [Marco] Yeah.
- My mother would do that to me.
Not on purpose, but she'd zip up my jacket
and I'd do go oof, oof, ouch.
We got this new long leash so now you can run around
as far as you want.
You can go all the way across the world.
Usually you're not allowed outside the door,
but now today you are.
Come on, bud.
Yeah, we're going walkies.
(upbeat music)
There you go.
(gasps) You see the birds?
Let's go, you want to go in the sunshine?
I'm leaving, I'm leaving, you better come with me.
Okay, I'm going.
(laughs) He wants to get back inside.
Yeah.
Good job, Fig, you did it.
Wanna show everyone how good you go up the stairs?
You wanna go on the carpet?
That's fine, don't wee on it please.
That's not your home, your home's upstairs.
Show everyone how good you go up the stairs.
Look at him go, so good.
Why is he going sideways?
(laughing) Look at him go.
Yeah.
Oh, oh!
Such a good little guy.
Who's a good little boy?
Yeah, it's you.
Sit.
(Marco laughing)
We've achieved nothing today.
- [Marco] Existing is cool.
- Yeah, that's all he needs to do really.
He doesn't have to do any tricks.
He just is.
- [Marco] Fig's great as he is.
He's funny, he's cute.
- Look at him, he's the cutest guy, yeah.
Thank you for being tolerant today, Figgy.
- [Marco] On a regular day Fig is just
screaming profanities at-- - He screams a lot.
And when he has guests in the house he's a bit more quiet.
But usually he's just yelling at me.
Are you hungry, Marco?
- [Marco] A little bit, yeah.
- Have you eaten today? - I have not.
- Me neither.
- [Marco] I had a banana, a good potassium base.
- Good potassium.
Do you wanna get some food?
- [Marco] Yeah.
- I'd quite like a matcha bubble tea.
They have that at Wasabi.
- Let's go there. - You wanna go there?
- Heck yeah. - Okay, let's go there.
(lighthearted music)