I have been on YouTube for over a decade and I got this, uh, a hundred thousand subscriber
plaque from YouTube, which is actually so nice, um, uh, several months ago.
But recently I've also gone on TikTok @TurnAutismAround.
So today we are talking about spreading the word through YouTube, Instagram TikTok, everywhere
on social media.
Hi, I'm Dr. Mary Barbera, autism mom, behavior analyst, registered nurse and bestselling
author.
Each week I provide you with some of my ideas about turning things around so if you haven't
subscribed to my YouTube channel, you can do that now.
Today, I'm sharing a short excerpt with behavior analyst, Mandy Grass, who I found on TikTok.
I've been on TikTok for only a few months and I've grown to 2000 followers there.
So if you are here and also on TikTok or Instagram, follow me @TurnAutismAround.
Don't just follow me though.
I would love it if you would help me get the word out by commenting, liking, mentioning
@TurnAutismAround, tagging turn autism around, but let's talk to Mandy Grass for a short
excerpt from podcast from 191 about her TikTok channel and how she is getting the message
out on TikTok too.
Okay.
And another video that has at the time of this recording, 300,000 views is on accepting
no, and some of my listeners probably don't know what that is.
And I haven't really been, you know, I don't know.
I may have a blog or, or a podcast, you know, where I mention it, but it's not really a
topic I cover that much, especially to the general audience.
I do more so within my courses, but so can you tell us what accepting no is and then
what your video was about?
Sure.
So it's it's tolerating no, right?
There are times that the answer is no.
Um, and so the example was I'd been working with my six year old on really tolerating
when I said no to something, because there had been, um, sort of tantrums or, or over
the top reactions when she was told no.
Um, and so for example, she had asked too use play doh.
It was nearly bedtime.
I find play doh really messy and drives me a little bit nuts.
And I just didn't have it in me to battle the play doh mess at that time.
And so I said no, and she said, okay, mom.
And I talked about how I reinforced that at a high rate.
Um, the example I gave in the video, which I got a lot of hate on was like, sometimes
it is a piece of candy, but sometimes it's praise sometimes it’s options and how I,
I reinforced that every single time she tolerated no.
And how we were able to fade to intermittent reinforcement and how it worked really, really
wonderfully.
And it, it did work really well for my six year old and my three year old, um, my three
year old, we had gotten home the other day and she was like, can you get me something
out of the shed?
And my hands were full.
And I said, I can't right now.
She said, okay, And I was like, thank you so much.
And she came back to me a few minutes later and said, could you get that from me now?
I said, oh, of course.
So, um, you know, I got a lot of comments.
There are a lot of proactive strategies we could do giving choices, um, letting her know
when she can access it, all of that thing.
But the bottom line is sometimes the answer is no.
Sometimes you're asking for something that I don't have, or I don't have access to.
And so we really needed to work on it and it, it worked really wonderfully when we put
a pretty strict system in place.
And your system.
I remember watching the video, um, involved a lot of, um, teaching the child if they are
verbal and can speak to say, okay.
But yeah, the behavior techniques, even if a child doesn't really, you know, understand
as much as, you know, a three and a six year old typically developing child, you can do
this, um, with a child that, that can't speak yet.
Um, and I like what you said about, you know, choices.
So, you know, in the beginning it might be like, you know, he wants milk, but he, you
know, he had too much milk already and you don't wanna give him milk.
So, proactively, I would, most of the time say you can't have milk, but here's water
or juice.
You can have either of these, um, and have them tolerate another option.
I think some kids or, or some parents and teachers kind of just like when they hear
accepting, no, it's like, no.
And then the child's like forced to wait or forced to do nothing or forced to have nothing
to drink.
And it's like, uh, so yeah, rather nuances of that, like giving, um, options, letting
her know when she can access it, like, Hey, it's too late tonight, but we can do that
tomorrow.
Um, you know, all those proactive strategies and yes, the replacement behavior I had given
was okay, mommy, but that doesn't have to be yours.
Like it could be less of a tantrum.
It could be her saying I'm really mad right now.
I don't like that choice.
For me it was tantrum reduction.
Yes, it was okay, mommy for, you know, the play doh.
Um, but I, I probably would've accepted some other things.
That's just the one that we worked on.
Um, so you have to determine what's the appropriate replacement behavior for your family.
In my opinion, it was overall reduction in tantrum.
So whatever replaced the tantrum that was more appropriate for our family.
That's what we did.
Yeah.
And, um, a little while back, we did a podcast episode with Rachel, uh, in terms of tantrums,
throwing and hitting, um, with her three year old, typically developing son.
And, um, we can link that in the show notes as well, but I know you, you watched, uh,
that, uh, podcast episode and, you know, it's just to illustrate, you know, I know this
podcast is called turn autism around, but really all of these behavior techniques work,
they work even better if you have a typically developing child like that, you can, you know,
use all these techniques with, there's no reason to put up with tantrums, hitting, biting
from anybody because they have autism does not mean they need to be aggressive or self
injurious or whatever we have to get to the bottom of it.
I have a video about that too.
I haven't posted yet, but about age appropriate, like, yes, it might be age appropriate to
throw a tamper tantrum, it might be age appropriate to bite someone that doesn't mean we don't
work on it doesn't mean that there aren't consequences and replacement behavior and
teaching.
Um, but like in seventh grade, it's age appropriate to cheat.
That doesn't mean if my kid cheats, I come home and there's no consequence or loss of
a device or something like that.
Yeah.
Let's talk about what we should have done instead.
Let's go over the replacement behaviors.
Let's go over how to avoid this in the future, but I still think it's appropriate to have
consequences for age appropriate behavior.
Yeah.
And, and to try to get tantrums and other, whatever problem behaviors you have to zero
or near zero levels, because if we don't, we're not gonna be as safe as possible.
We're not gonna be as independent as possible.
And we're not gonna be as happy as possible.
The parent, the teacher or the child.
Yeah.
Um, because when you're having tantrums or, you know, throwing things, it can damage property.
It can hurt people.
It can be unsafe if you have flopping on the ground, it can, you know, um, you know, if
she's having a tantrum right before bedtime and right before bathtime about the play doh,
then she's probably not going to be washing her hair right.
And, and showering right.
And, you know, there's just so many things that we should not be putting up with problem
behavior and just tolerating.
Absolutely.
And, you know, I think an important thing to discuss too is shaping over time.
I think there's this like all or nothing mentality.
And it's like, okay, if she's throwing 30 minute tantrums every time, then it might
be getting to 20 minutes and getting to 15 or shaping that over time.
Same thing when parents have a variety of behaviors.
Let's pick one.
Let's start there.
Let's shape that behavior.
Like we, yes, I, we would love extinction.
We'd love everything to go away immediately, but that's just not real life.
So how can we shape this down to decrease it over time?
Yeah, I love that.
And, and when you're trying to pick the, the problem behavior you're gonna work on, I would
pick the one that's causing the safety concerns, the most severe problems, the places that,
the things that are gonna get you kicked out of preschool and, um, those sorts of behaviors
you wanna tackle first.
So yeah, if you, if you have to get down, down to, instead of throwing themselves on
the floor, they're crying for two minutes or five minutes and they're whining, you know,
that shaping is, is important.
I don't probably don't talk about that enough as well.
So I'd like, I'd like, The fact that you brought that up.
Okay.
So the final video that we're gonna talk about, which is in your top three is power struggles
on TikTok.
So, um, what do you mean by a power struggle?
And what did, what advice did you give in three minutes about power struggles?
Sure.
So I think I did a school example.
Um, we get stuck in this arguing and it happens at home too.
Like, well, no, I didn't do that.
Well, no, and we're going back and forth and.
Those type, that type of behavior obviously is individualized.
We do an FBA to have our data, but most often is attention maintained.
So going back and forth is just giving that more attention.
Um, so the example somebody had, I don't, I wish I could tell who told me, but the example
was like, if you're playing tennis and you put your racket down, you're no longer playing
tennis.
So that was my advice is put your racket down, right?
You.
You know, in a perfect world, say, I will talk to you when you're able to sit on that
chair.
I try to avoid the word calm.
Although I will say as a parent, I say it all the time.
I don't so much as a BCBA when I'm at school, but due to default to like, I can talk to
you when you, whatever, I will talk you through how to calm down all of those sort of things.
But engaging in that back and forth is not going to end that battle.
Um, it's just breathing more life into it.
So it's okay to walk away from that and say, I I'll talk to you in five minutes.
I'll talk to you in a little bit, whatever that may look like.
That doesn't mean that there's not consequences for that.
A really important thing.
We don't talk about enough, I think is delayed consequences.
So I think teachers get stuck in this a lot.
And it's like, okay, well, if we issue the consequence right now, right.
So, um, I didn't throw that thing.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
Okay.
You have a lunch date.
We are just gonna continue to escalate this entire altercation.
We have 20 other kids.
It's not appropriate.
That doesn't mean if you don't issue a consequence just then that doesn't mean there won't be
one it's okay for there to be delayed consequences.
Um, so you just have to think about that a little bit.
Um, the function of behavior is so, so important and I think it gets overlooked a little bit,
um, in our day to day life.
I hope you enjoyed that short excerpt from podcast 191 with Mandy Grass.
If you did, I would love a comment, a share, a like, and I'd also really appreciate if
you are here and you like the content, to also, uh, follow me on Instagram and on TikTok
at turn autism around and for more information about joining our online course and community,
I'd love it to, if you attend a free online workshop at marybarbarera.com/workshop, and
I'll see you right here next time.