For nearly two decades,
people across the globe have struggled endlessly to make one crucial...
...exhausting...
...impossible choice:
Bulbasaur , Squirtle, or Charmander?
It's finally time to learn if the one you chose was really the strongest...
And what better way than with their evolved forms!
VENUSAUR! The pimply plant monster!
BLASTOISE! The bazooka turtle!
And CHARIZARD! The...
...Dragon.
For a fair assessment, we're examining maxed-out,
wild pokemon.
For those of you nerdy enough to care, this means:
No special EV training
No mega evolutions
And no tutored, bred, or otherwise unnaturally learned attacks.
This way we'll avoid any, and all, player influence.
He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick!
Aaand it's our job to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win
A DEATH BATTLE
The first start of the pokemon evolves from Bulbasaur to Ivysaur finally to Venusaur,
the seed pokemon.
Becoming uglier and uglier with every form!
Seriously what the hell is that thing?
Of the three starters, Venusaur's the most well rounded and easiest to raise.
In combat it relies on its above average special attack in special defence or non physical combat.
Old froggy plant has a variety of moves: vine whips for slapping bitches and razor leaves can cut though whole trees.
Then there's the less action-packed skills like sleep powder, which is used to put foes to sleep and take women home from bars.
Venusaur's adaptability is its greatest asset. It can absorb health with leech seed like some kind of jungle vampire or simply heal on its own by using synthesis.
It also knows sweet scent which aids the poor accuracy of the sleep and poison powders.
But why bother with poisons and powders when you've got a super laser!
Venusaur can absorb so much sun energy that he can fire the solar beam!
Venusaur!
When I find flowers that can do that,
I might actually take up gardening.
Try and pollinate now, bees.
In real life, celestially powered lasers rely
on heated magnesium combustion.
In order to fire, the Solar Beam's temperature needs
to be OVER 6700 degrees farenheit.
Unfortunately, the solar beam is so powerful
it takes twice as long to perform as any other attack.
As a grass and poison type, Venusaur is extremely effective against water type pokemon.
But, keep him away from flying and fire types
Because as we all know, plants burn...
...and bird fucking hate grass.
Yet, Venusaur's well rounded skills and tricky move set could outsmart the competition.
"Venusaur, the final form of the Bulbasaur evolution"
"This seed pokemon soaks up the sun's rays as a source of energy."
The second starter pokemon evolves from Squirtle to Wartortle and finally, to Blastoise,
the shellfish pokemon.
So how did this thing come about?
Did a turtle get really drunk one night and then came across a tank and was like,
"Eh, I'll put my dick in that."
Then nine months later, the tank showed up at his door and was like,
"BOOM! This is yours!"
And then he raised it out of shame until one day it evolved and then all the other turtles were like,
"THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!"
So then they all started plowin' tanks?
...sure...
...Why not?
Blastoise firmly boast defense over offense,
Using his weighty bolt to outlast and over power foes.
Like a stone firm upon the shore,
he can take wave after wave of punishment.
As poetic as that was, he won't be winning any marathons.
He's almost as slow as a tortoise
- which makes sense -
- unlike the GIANT GUNS STICKING OUT OF HIS BACK.
Blastoise can significantly reduce incoming damage with iron defense,
barrel through hazards with rapid spin and guard against any and all attacks with protect.
He can chomp foes with bite,
and crack heads with skull bash.
But most of his arsenal focuses on water power,
blasting foes with water gun, water pulse, aqua tail and...
... bubbles.
But despite its lack in attack type diversity, Blastoise can maximise its watery weaponry with Rain Dance.
A rain storm that amplifies water type moves and blocks out the sun.
But his ultimate attack is Hydro Pump, where he blasts water out of his twin cannons with enough force to accurately punch through steel at a range of 160 feet.
High-pressure water jet cutters are used industrially to cut through metal with at least 55,000 PSI (Or Pounds Per Square Inch).
By measuring Blastoise's cannons in comparison to his size, we can tell his Hydro Pump has a power of 90,000 PSI!
That'll get the stains of your patio!
Along with your patio and possibly house.
Blastoise is effective against fire type Pokémon, but weak to grass and electric.
And when he's not battling, Blastoise can be found training on secluded islands to strengthen his combat skills.
If it plays its defenses right, Blastoise just might outlast everyone.
"Blastoise's strength lies in its power rather than its speed. Its shell is like armour and attacks from the Hydro Cannon on its back are virtually unstoppable."