- THESE ARE REAL PRODUCTS. THESE ARE NOT MADE UP.
THESE ARE THINGS I FOUND WHEN I WAS SHOPPING AROUND.
AND THIS FIRST PRODUCT IS CALLED FLIP FLASK.
AND WHAT IT IS, THEY'RE FLIP-FLOPS,
AND THEY HAVE A BUILT-IN FLASK.
[laughter]
LET'S SEE WHICH ONE--
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE BOTH FILLED UP RIGHT NOW.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause] AH!
[cheers and applause]
SO...
SO HERE'S WHAT IT SAYS RIGHT HERE.
IT SAYS, "PERFECT FOR CONCERTS, TAILGATES,
BALL GAMES, PARTIES, AND EVERY DAY."
[laughter]
EVERY DAY? I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK IF SOMEBODY SEES YOU DRINKING OUT OF A SHOE,
THEY MIGHT THINK YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.
YOU WANT TO BE A LITTLE MORE STEALTH THAN THAT.
SO I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT--
THAT'S A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE.
ANDY, COME ON OUT. LET'S SHOW PEOPLE HOW IT WORKS.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT IT IS--
I'M CALLING THIS ELLEN'S SCHNAPPS SOCKS.
AND IT'S FUN TO SAY. ELLEN'S SCHNAPPS SOCKS.
SAY IT WITH ME. ELLEN'S SCHNAPPS SOCKS.
IT'S HARD TO SAY SOBER.
YOU CAN IMAGINE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.
AND HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
SHOW 'EM HOW IT WORKS, ANDY.
[laughter] THERE YOU GO.
IT'S IN THERE.
YOU JUST TAKE LITTLE SIPS.
IS IT COMING OUT? THERE YOU GO.
[cheers and applause]
ISN'T THAT HANDY?
AND PEOPLE-- YOU CAN REALLY HIDE IT.
NOBODY WILL SEE THAT.
NOBODY WILL SUSPECT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AFTER THAT.
MY FIRST PRODUCT WAS CALLED ELLEN'S SCHNAPPS JOCKS,
BUT THEY DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT.
SO--AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU CAN ALSO ENJOY-- YOU CAN HAVE
ELLEN'S SCHNAPPS SOCKS ON THE ROCKS.
AND LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT THAT.
ISN'T THAT NICE, ANDY?
NICE AND CHILL? - YEP.
- YEAH. THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO. ISN'T THAT--
THAT'S LOVELY.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, ANDY.
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S ANOTHER PRODUCT THAT I BOUGHT.
IT'S FOR DOG LOVERS.
AND IT'S BEEN RAINING HERE LATELY,
SO THIS IS REALLY GONNA COME IN HANDY
FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR DOGS OUT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
IT'S A DOG-BRELLA.
AND WHAT HAPPENS IS,
WHEN YOU'RE WALKING YOUR DOG,
'CAUSE A LOT OF DOGS DON'T LIKE TO GO OUT IN THE RAIN.
THERE YOU GO.
AND IT GOES LIKE THAT.
[cheers and applause]
THAT'S FINE, AND I CARE ABOUT A DOG
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON.
I LOVE ANIMALS. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?
SO I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING.
THEY WEREN'T FULLY THINKING THIS THROUGH.
ANDY, COME ON OUT.
SO THAT JUST POPS RIGHT ON HERE.
AND THEN YOU HAVE THIS,
SO WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND, NOW...
[cheers and applause]
SEE?
WELL...
I JUST REALIZED NOW THAT I HAVE THIS,
I DON'T NEED THAT, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU BOTH CAN STAY DRY AS A BONE AND LOOKING GOOD.
THIS IS--ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT THERE.
AND DO YOU LIKE BOXES?
DO YOU LIKE LAUGHTER? audience: YES.
THEN YOU'LL LOVE THIS NEXT PRODUCT.
THIS IS ALSO--THIS IS REAL.
IT'S CALLED BOX OF LAUGHTER, AND YOU CAN GET ONE FOR $25.
[canned laughter]
[laughter]
[canned laughter]
I THINK THEY'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE I JUST WASTED $25.
[laughter]
I SAY IF YOU WANT A BOX FILLED WITH LAUGHTER,
MAYBE YOU COULD BUY THIS.
IT'S MY COMEDY SPECIALS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM.
IT'S $10 CHEAPER.
HOW MANY PEOPLE SKI HERE? ANYBODY SKI?
[cheers and applause] OKAY.
I DON'T SKI, BUT I ENJOY THIS NEXT THING VERY, VERY MUCH.
I GUESS IT'S COLD WHEN YOU'RE SKIING.
I WOULD ASSUME WHEN YOU'RE GOING FAST
AND YOU'RE DOWNHILL AND THERE'S SNOW AND STUFF.
AND THIS IS CALLED THE BEARDSKI.
IT COSTS $40,
AND WHAT YOU DO...
[laughter]
SO IT KEEPS YOU WARM.
[cheers and applause]
NOW, THAT'S FINE TO SKI.
YOU COULD ROB A BANK RIGHT AWAY RIGHT AFTERWARDS.
YOU CAN WEAR IT RIGHT TO THE BANK.
AND IT KEEPS YOUR FACE WARM, BUT WHAT ABOUT UP HERE?
SO I WANTED TO COME UP WITH A TRUMPSKI.
AND HERE IT IS.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
SEE?
[cheers and applause]
THIS WAY, YOU'RE COZY AND TOASTY,
AND YOU LOOK RICH.
[laughter]
ALL RIGHT.
AND--UH-OH.
[laughter]
UH-OH. WELL...
[laughter]
THAT'LL HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE SKIING.
IT DOESN'T REALLY--
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I FOUND
THAT IS ACTUALLY REALLY, REALLY COOL.
THESE THINGS. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE THINGS?
THESE ARE CALLED A SLAP WATCH, AND WHAT YOU DO--
'CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BUCKLE A WATCH ON.
YOU JUST GOT TO GO, AND YOU JUST DO THAT.
AND THEN IT JUST GETS RIGHT PUT ON YOUR HAND LIKE THAT.
ISN'T THAT COOL?
AND IT COMES IN NINE COLORS,
AND THEY HAVE REMOVABLE FACES.
SO YOU CAN MIX AND MATCH.
SO IT'S NINE COLORS, AND THEN 81 POSSIBILITIES.
AND THE COOLEST THING IS,
ALL OF YOU ARE GETTING ALL NINE OF THEM.
[cheers and applause]