Tonight I'd like to talk about something that's very small
but plays a huge role in our lives.
No, not Danny Devito and "Matilda,"
or Danny Devito in "Twins," or Danny Devito
being his awesome self.
I'm talking about glitter.
This is the story of glitter.
Children love to use glitter.
Glitter can be Punk, it can be chic, it can be goth.
It can be anything you want it to be.
That's true.
When I was 16, I secretly practiced
my kissing technique on a paper mache doll
sprinkled with glitter.
Unfortunately, it wasn't a secret as I'd hoped.
With the exception of the movie, human beings
are drawn to glitter.
We put that shit on everything.
NEWS REPORTER: It's used as a political statement.
PROTESTER: Feel the rainbow, Newt.
NEWS REPORTER: --and on every surface imaginable.
NEWS REPORTER: --used in everything from nail polish
to automotive paint to fishing lures.
Edible glitter has become a bit of a trend
on pastries, on coffee.
So I have the glitter roots.
Would you glitter bomb your vagina?
That's what some are doing.
Can we go back to a simpler time
when we were happy to decorate our vaginas
with just pipe cleaners, popsicle
sticks, and googly eyes.
Glitter has surprising practical uses.
Researchers occasionally mix it with feed to track
animals by their sparkly poop.
And it's been used to solve crimes for decades.
That's how the Wicked Witch tracked down Dorothy.
Those ruby slippers left glitter everywhere.
Glitter comes from the shiniest place on Earth, New Jersey,
where it was invented in 1934.
It's usually made from a combination
of aluminum and plastic.
And it's used for making all kinds of things
bright and shiny, cars, boats, clothing,
cosmetics, and naturally, people trying to steal packages.
Of course it's only legal in states
with sparkle your ground laws.
But much like Johnny Depp, while glitter once
seemed pretty great, it's actually super messy
and can be toxic as hell.
NEWS REPORTER: Glitter, like microbeads in soap,
don't always get filtered out by treatment systems,
and oftentimes wind up in rivers, lakes, and oceans.
NEWS REPORTER: It's just as hard to get rid of glitter
in your house as it is in waterways and the ecosystem.
NEWS REPORTER: Celebrations that may have happened years
ago are still being unearthed.
NEWS REPORTER: Glitter made out of plastic
can take thousands of years to disappear from our environment.
Which explains why King Tut's shriveled body
still had such sick cheekbones.
Researchers have found glitter in soil
and in wastewater sludge.
And look, I know you're all saying, why should I care?
I rarely eat soil and wastewater sludge
outside of special occasions like birthdays and holidays.
But you should start caring, because glitter is part
of the greater problem of microplastics,
tiny broken down particles from all the plastic stuff we use.
NEWS REPORTER: More than $9 billion metric tons of plastic
have been produced since 1950.
Of all that plastic, an estimated 60%
still exists on Earth today.
NEWS REPORTER: 8 million tons of plastic
is dumped into our oceans every year.
Plastic is definitely in our food chain and drinking water.
NEWS REPORTER: They even made their way into beer.
OK, shit just got serious.
Your craft beer has actual crafts in it.
Oceanographers estimated there were
between 15 and 51 trillion microplastic particles
in surface waters worldwide.
Microplastics have even been found
in the most isolated, unpopulated places on Earth,
like Antarctica and Ted Cruz's birthday party.
And the more microplastics get into our environment,
the more they get into us, along with the chemicals they carry.
NARRATOR: Zooplankton eat microplastic.
Small fish eat zooplankton.
So do oysters, crabs, and predatory fish.
And they all land on our plate.
One study suggests that we're eating
the weight of a plastic credit card every week.
That is terrible.
With interest rates rising, you're much better off eating
a debit card every week.
But OK, let's say you don't eat seafood or drink tap water,
then you're fine, right?
Scientists from the Netherlands and the UK
recently identified microplastics
in two areas of the human body where they have never been seen
before, deep in the lungs of some surgical patients,
and in the blood of anonymous donors
we're now learning that it's possible to take
in these particles through the air that we breathe.
NEWS REPORTER: Inhaling fine particulates like microplastics
has been linked to asthma, heart disease, and Cancer
Don't panic.
Just take a deep breath and--
oh [BLEEP].
Despite all of this, glitter isn't a huge problem.
It actually makes up less than 1%
of the microplastics polluting the environment.
But unlike so many of the other plastics we throw out each day,
it's something we could easily cut out of our lives.
And many scientists want a ban to do just that.
But even if we don't Institute a ban,
we can at least sparkle responsibly.
Businesses should voluntarily take the lead, like in the UK
where major retailers stopped using
glitter on their single-use Christmas products.
That includes the popular British stores Morrisons,
Waitrose, Snurge's, Hampton Wick's, Widgy & Minge, and
Wobbly Jobber's Thrupney Bits.
Consumers can also make a difference.
You can avoid cosmetics that include plastic ingredients
like PET on the label, and opt for glitter
products made from biodegradable sources like cellulose.
These alternatives can still affect aquatic ecosystems.
But they're probably a little less terrible than plastics.
And for better or worse, that sturgeon looks gorgeous.
We have to become more aware of all the plastics
we're buying just to throw out.
We don't need a disposable water bottle
that will last for hundreds of years
after we use it for 10 minutes.
We don't need plastic-wrapped plastic utensils
for a sandwich.
And we don't need to throw glitter to celebrate graduation
or a wedding or getting accepted into Scientology
Sea Org or whatever.
When we put things in the environment,
the environment eventually puts those same things back in us.
So we all need to be a little more
careful about what we're ultimately
putting into our own bodies.
Isn't that right, Vaggie?
Oh you bet, Sam.
Please don't put glitter in me, folks.
We'll be right back after these vagerific messages.
[LAUGHING]
Oh God.