♪ [NC theme] ♪
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic!
I remember it so you don't have to!
When you're a kid,
a lot of strange stuff seems normal.
Ninja Turtles was average,
tea parties on the ceiling was mundane,
and being forced to dance in a banana suit dripping goat's blood was just Tuesday.
Oh!
Only my parents had me do that?
I... should've asked more questions.
Regardless, a lot of those things when you get older seem... charming.
Some of them.
Some you put in the "Whimsical Enchantment" category,
Others you put in "What the Hell Was I Thinking Watching This" category,
And then there's those...
You don't know where to put.
Japan's 1974 English dub of Jack and the Beanstalk falls into that category of not knowing the category.
Like a fair amount of kids, I grew up with this bizarre adventure on VHS.
It was available at a lot of rental stores at the time.
We watched it,
it kept us quiet,
and then we'd go about our everyday lives.
But what we didn't know was that "What-the-Christ-ness"
was leaving an impact on our memories that years later we'd say,
"Was that really as freakin' insane as I remember it?"
I'm hear to report,
it freakin' is.
It starts off similar enough:
Jack is doing his chores,
skipping through the woods,
usual fairy tale benign-ness.
We find out his dog used to be part of the Grand Army...
I think.
He has a symbol on his collar that's similar to an army he fantasizes about in the clouds...
so there's that.
Trust me, that's the least of the questions you will be asking while watching this!
And par for the course, Jack is asked to sell the cow and comes across a mysterious man
playing a...
what I can only describe as a '70s machine...
♪ [very... odd squelching synth tune plays] ♪
NC: Either that, or the sound Pac-Man makes when he's jerking one off.
NC (vo): So Jack laughs...
Jack: *laughs*
NC: And then the man laughs...
Man: *chuckling*
NC: And then the man laughs again...
Man: *chuckling*
NC: And then he–
Man: *psychotic cackle*
NC: Thus Chris Hansen's number was put on speed-dial!
He of course sells him the magic beans after doing a squat dance...
Man: *chuckling maniacally*
Cow: *moos in confusion*
NC: (confused) You said it, cow.
which of course leads to,
big shock...
Man: *laughs even louder*
NC: He seems nice.
This pisses off the mother, who punishes Jack in a common,
yet STILL uncomfortably focused on manner.
Mother: Ya foolish dunce!
[smack] Jack: *grunt*
Ya rock head!
[smack] Jack: *grunt*
I'll teach ya!
[smack] Jack: *grunt*
Thanks to you we're
penniless! [smack] Jack: *grunt*
How will we eat? [smack] Jack: *grunt*
How will we live?! [smack]
Jack: *grunt*
Are we to become beggars?! [smack] Jack: *grunt*
What will become of
us! [smack] Jack: *grunt*
I worked up an appetite.
NC (as Jack's mother): Child abuse just rumbles my tummy!
Jack: *gulp*
Me too!
NC (as Jack's mother): That's just confusing.
She of course tosses them out the window,
resulting in the beanstalk growing, in one of many weird-ass songs.
Voice #1: ♪ This isn't going to happen! You're silly if you think it might! ♪
Voice #2: ♪ But always there must be a time when dreams come true. ♪
Voice #1: ♪ If you believe such nonsense, If you believe – ♪
NC: Is the...
beanstalk singing?
In duet?
Jack wakes up, seeing the incredible creation, and of course climbs up the beanstal–
or a mouse princess climbs down it.
As the story goes!
She explains what happened to her in great detail, but there's one problem:
It's told entirely in squeaks!
Mouse: *squeaking*
*deep squeaking*
*squeaking*
*weird squeaking*
NC: I haven't been this happy to not have subtitles since the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Wookiee mother: *wookie noise*
NC: We agreed never to play that again!
Finally, Jack does climb the beanstalk and comes across a pretty yet somehow disturbing image.
Jack: *exclamation*
[creepy minimalist music plays]
NC: She has a face that says
"I just joined a cult and it's going great!"
This is Princess Margaret.
She literally floats on a cloud saying,
well, random things.
Margaret: My parents were destroyed by an evil witch.
I don't think about it, it's been a long time.
I'm happy now.
NC: Jack you have the worst stranger danger.
Margaret: Tomorrow, I'm marrying my wonderful Prince Tulip.
♪ No one's happier than I ♪
♪ I feel like reaching up to touch the sky ♪
NC: So, is she a ventriloquist or is this just the song she's hearing in her mind right now?
Margaret: Why don't you come into the castle with me, Jack?
I know Madame Hecuba would like to meet you.
NC: She says the prince's kind and beautiful mother would be happy to meet him
but discovers she's not...
that.
♪ [sting] ♪
Madame Hecuba: *maniacal chuckle*
NC: And now ladies and gentlemen,
that uncomfortable fever dream you had two weeks ago.
Hecuba: A HUMAN child?
Hecuba: *chuckles sinisterly*
Ohh, It's been such a LONG, LONG time!
*more sinister chuckling*
NC: Well, the message of this movie is very straightforward:
FEAR.
Yeah. Definitely shifted tones here, didn't we?
As if Valium Girl wasn't creepy enough, we get Madame Hecuba:
pretty much every Disney witch if she was stretched on a rack and fed despair!
Margaret: Mother, I'd like you to meet out visitor, Jack.
Hecuba: Mmm, hmm.
NC: No joke.
This movie turns into a rather creepy Haunted House movie for a bit.
Even down to creepy singing in the hallway.
Hallway Voices: ♪ Run away, Jack ♪
♪ Don't delay, Jack ♪
♪ Please don't stay, Jack ♪
♪ Run away, Jack ♪
♪ Run
away, Jack ♪ [door slam ×2]
[door slam ×3]
[door slam ×4]
NC (as Hecuba): Lousy Pazuzu Tabernacle Choir.
Hecuba: Enjoy your meal.
You'll find it delicious.
NC (as Hecuba): It's made from the finest virgins.
She drugs him with plans to eat him later...
because
Hansel and Gretel,
But her son comes in, who it turns out is the giant
still set to wed the princess.
You see, Margaret is under a spell to think he's actually a handsome prince
so they can become royalty.
So, it's KIND OF like Beauty and The Beast
except ugly is bad; that's why they are ugly.
That's basically the same moral, right?
And how'd she squeeze him out?
But, Jack wakes up,
escapes,
and snoops around the castle along with his dog and the castle mice.
He come across their treasury and even an amazingly annoying talking harp.
Harp: THIEF!!
STOP THEM!
STOP THEM, MASTER!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL YOUR TREASURE!
HELP!!!
Jack: I must be dreaming.
Harps aren't supposed to talk.
NC (as Jack): Of all the things I've seen today,
THAT'S the weird stuff.
(normal): Jack hides though as the giant comes and grabs a toy version of his mother...
Okaaay...
winds her up so she can insult him...
Toy Hecuba: You're just a lazy, good-for-nothing lump of BLAH.
You look like something someone left out in the rain.
NC: Okaaay...
And then proceeds to smash her.
Toy Hecuba: *scream* [spring boinging]
NC: Okay. While that IS kind of funny...
Does he have a lot of those?
Does he smash one everyday?
Am I supposed to be okay that there's robots in Jack and The Beanstalk?
I have so many questions
I know I'll never get the answer to.
Jack decides to steal the gold of course and go back home,
where he shows his mom all the riches he's gathered.
This looks like a SONG FOR THE DOG!
Crosby: ♪ To find mountain flowers you ♪
♪ have to climb high ♪
♪ Don't you agree– ♪
NC: And in case you're wondering:
No.
The dog has never talked previous to this scene
and doesn't talk after it either.
And yet, he somehow has this big musical solo.
He not even really good.
Crosby (roughly singing): ♪ ALWAYS WE AGREE ♪
♪ YOU AND I ♪
NC: I guess should be really harsh on that voice, but
a DOG is singing!
I really shouldn't be that critical!
And what's Jack's reaction to all this?
Jack: You can speak.
How come you never said anything to me?
Crosby: *woof*
*woof*
Jack: Or maybe
it's another miracle.
A sign that I should have stayed to help.
NC: Sometimes it just takes a singing dog.
Yeah! There is no other explanation outside of that.
The dog singing was a MIRACLE!
A very,
VERY random miracle.
But, Jack takes it as sign to go back
and figure out how to snap Margaret out of her trance.
Harp: THE PRINCESS MUST BE KISSED
by someone who is truly brave and courageous!
Only THAT will break the spell!
Jack: Someone truly brave?
Gosh!
I wonder if I'm brave enough to even try.
Harp: Ew!
NC: Yeah. This gets
possibly Ew-y.
We know Jack's gotta be like nine
or ten
or something like that,
but, they never say how old Margaret is.
I guess old enough to marry
but even that varies in terms of time period and location.
So, while you might be feeling awkward about
not really knowing if you should feel awkward about this,
don't worry.
It will quickly disappear
after the STRANGEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE.
Just watch!
♪ [creepy, ominous church music] ♪
Priest: ♪ Two of you stand here in front of me tonight ♪
(octave up on "happy") ♪ Are you hapPYYY? ♪
(singing "normally") ♪ It's your wish to be married now ♪
♪ Am I right? ♪
(octave up on happy) ♪ Are you hapPYYY? ♪
(octave up on "out") ♪ Will help each other OUT? ♪
(octave up on "any doubt") ♪ You must tell me if you have ANY DOUBT ♪
(octave up on "you") ♪ Well than, can YOU!? ♪
Hecuba (in her mind): Yes! They will be very happy!
Say that you love him.
Priest: ♪ And this woman too– ♪
Hecuba: Say that you love him!
NC: *smacking himself*
Priest (echoing): ♪ ... love are you ♪
NC: More Sugar-Frosted Nightmares, please!
What the enchanted crack pipe are we watching here?
Why all the paper people?
Why all the trippy animation?
Why that priest that sounds like his getting his
testicles clipped to a CAR BATTERY every other word!?
Priest: ♪ Are you hapPYYY? ♪
♪ Can YOU? ♪
♪ OUT? ♪
♪ he IS ♪
NC: None of this is explained!
It's all just pure madness!
to a point where when Jack comes in and finally kisses her,
you've TOTALLY forgotten about the age thing!
It's not even a spark in your mind.
All you thinking is:
(imitating Priest): Are you hapPYYY?!
Are you hapPYYY?!
(normal) NO!
I'm very confused and rather afraid!
WHAT IS THIS?!
The kiss, of course, breaks the spell and the giant chases after them.
Mmn, Okay. You know where this is going.
The giant chases after 'em
he cuts down the beanstalk
and they live happily ever after.
Well!
Not after an out-of-nowhere,
totally pointless conversation between our two heroes.
Jack: Aren't you angry with me?
I mean, after what I did?
Margaret: Angry?
Now why would I be you, Jack?
Jack: I wouldn't blame you if you WERE angry though.
I know what I did was–
NC: Yeah. My kids are getting restless.
Can we wrap this up here?
They run from the giant again only to be confronted by Hecuba.
[lightning strike]
Okay, no joke.
If I saw you at the end "The Shining" hallway instead of the two little girls
I'd be more afraid of you.
But, the giant comes in and
(confused): weirdly enough doesn't stomp our heroes
but instead goes over to stomp the mother.
Kind of randomly out of left field.
[stomp]
Hecuba: *screams*
Tulip: Goodbye!
NC: It's...
made even stranger by the fact that's she's NOT technically under there!
But!
The movie TREATS IT like she's under there!
He's right in front of her,
he says goodbye,
he put his foot down,
black smoke comes out presumably destroying her evil, I guess
turning everyone else back to normal, and
in the ultimate twist,
SHE WAS A ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME!
If you're confused by this, kids;
I'm sorry.
No adult can EVER help you.
NONE of these ravings make ANY sense!
You might as put on a David Lynch film to get a dose of reality.
But, okay.
Margaret has to stay with her people and Jack has to go back home.
Now leading to him chopping down the beanstalk and killing the giant.
Right?
Well,
In yet another strange mood shift,
it suddenly turns into a Road Runner™ cartoon!
Yeah, with the slapstick,
his head getting smacked in,
railroad tracks,
tunnel,
THE WHOLE THING!
Childish Voice: ♪ You're chicken-hearted ♪
♪ Tulip! ♪
♪ Can't you get started ♪
♪ Tulip? ♪
♪ You'll never match us♪
♪ Tulip! ♪
NC: Ih...
Is this like Total Mad Libs?
Like, none of the scene are supposed to connect?
Even when we DO get the climax of Jack chopping down the beanstalk,
it still has soothing music that OBVIOUSLY doesn't match!
Voice: ♪ No one's happier than I ♪
♪ I feel like reaching up to touch the sky ♪
(with choir) ♪ Now the evening's drawing nigh ♪
NC: *laughing*
Manslaughter is beautiful.
And that was
in my opinion
the WEIRDEST Jack and the Beanstalk film.
Is it any good?
Well
...parts are.
There is a lot of good animation,
backgrounds,
atmosphere,
imagination.
But.. yeah, it's pretty inconsistent when it comes to story, characters,
and ESPECIALLY the tone.
But honestly, that's one of the things that makes it so interesting.
The lack of consistency makes it kind of hypnotizing.
I can't think of any other fairy tale adaptation on the big screen with choices this...
specifically ODD!
So in a weird way, I DO kinda recommend checking it out.
If you're curious to join in the madness like me, you can find it on DVD–
Oh, my GOD!
...find it on YouTube!
Take a look and get sucked into an adventure you'll never forget...
no matter how hard you try!
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...
(imitating Priest): Are you hapPYYY?!
♪ [creepy, ominous church music] ♪
♪ [NC theme] ♪
♪ [Channel Awesome theme] ♪