>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
THERE JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪ JON, RIGHT HERE IN MY HAND,
ALL OF THE QUESTIONS FOR TONIGHT'S GUESTS.
THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED JULIA ROBERTS IS HERE TONIGHT.
JULIA ROBERTS.
YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, ARE YOU AN OSCAR WINNER, SHE IS AN
OSCAR WINNER.
>> Jon: ST A GOOD FEELING.
>> Stephen: IT WILL BE LIKE TALKING TO YOU, IT SOON WILL BE
LIKE TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE LISTEN, I ALREADY KNEW THIS BUT
IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN STEPHEN
SPIELBERG AND OPRAH WINFREY'S THE COLOR PURPLE MOVIE, THE
MUSICAL.
THAT'S OUT THERE I AM NOT GIVING ANYTHING AWAY.
>> THAT IS OUT THERE.
WORD IS OUT.
>> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.
YOU ARE GOING TO REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND, RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING TO
REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDS RIGHT.
>> Jon: ALWAYS, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,
WANDERING THROUGH THE FARMERS' MARKET THAT IS TODAY'S
BIGGEST STORIES, SQUEEZING THE FINEST NEWS RADISHES, AND RIPEST
STORY PEPPERS, SNIFFING THE MOST TOPICAL DATES, WHICH I THEN PAIR
WITH FRA'MANI SOPPRESSATA, AND THE MOST SUCCULENT HANDRAISED
PATA NEGRA JAMON IBERICO, BACKED UP BY GENEROUS HELPINGS OF
BEEMSTER GOUDA, AND A WEDGE OF BRILLAT-SAVARIN TRIPLE CREAM
BRIE, THEN I ADD FORTNUM & MASON APRICOT AND FIG SPREADS WITH
GRISSINI BREADSTICKS AND LA PANZANELLA CROCCANTINI, AND
FINALLY A LIBERAL SPRINKLING OF SAN SABA ELLIOT PECANS AND
SICILIAN CASTEL-VETRANO OLIVES ON A RAW CARRARA MARBLE SLAB TO
LAY OUT FOR YOU THE SPECTACULAR GOURMET CHARCUTERIE BOARD THAT
IS MY MONOLOGUE.
(APPLAUSE) BUT SOMETIMES, I AM HOSED AWAKE
INSIDE AN EMPTY 6,000 GALLON DIESEL TANKER OFF I-24, WHERE I
AM HIDING FROM A CULT THAT I STARTED, THEN DASH, NAKED BEHIND
A RECENTLY DEFUNCT QUIZNOS, WHERE I MUST WRESTLE A POSSUM
FOR THE REMAINS OF A BAJA CHICKEN FOOTLONG, STAGGER INTO A
MIDDLE SCHOOL REC. YARD AFTER FIGHTING A SEAGULL FOR THE LAST
HAM CUBE IN A LUNCHABLES TRAY, PUNCH A RACCOON TO STEAL HIS
PEANUT, THEN DUMP IT ALL INTO A HUBCAP I STRIPPED OFF AN
ABANDONED '76 CHEVY VEGA TO OFFER YOU THE RAIL YARD BUFFET
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT RAISES YOUR TESTOSTERONE, THIS RAISES YOUR
TESTOSTERONE, BIG SWINGERS RIGHT HIRE.
MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET IS ABUZZ OVER THIS OPTICAL ILLUSION THAT
SUPPOSEDLY REVEALS A LOT ABOUT YOUR MENTAL AGE.
EVIDENTLY IF YOU CAN SEE THE OLD MAN WITH HIS HEAD BOWED DOWN, IT
MEANS THAT YOU ARE MATURE IN YOUR THOUGHTS.
BUT, IF YOU SEE A YOUNG GIRL IN THE ILLUSION, IT MEANS THAT YOU
ARE A CHILD AT HEART.
JOKE'S ON YOU.
I SEE A YOUNG GIRL WITH AN OLD MAN GROWING OUT THE BACK OF HER
SKULL-- SHE NEEDS TO SEE A DERMATOLOGIST, ASAP.
ANYTHING BIGGER THAN A PENCIL ERASER, GET IT CHECKED OUT,
OKAY?
MEANWHILE, AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN MICHIGAN,
KINDERGARTENERS WERE 'WOOZY' AFTER DRINKING MARGARITAS.
MAN, THE CAST OF "EUPHORIA" IS GETTING YOUNG.
IT SEEMS ONE LITTLE GIRL BROUGHT READY-TO-DRINK JOSE CUERVO
MARGARITAS TO SCHOOL AND THE STUDENTS DRANK THE COCKTAILS
FROM DIXIE CUPS DURING SNACK TIME, ONE OF WHOM WENT AND TOLD
THE TEACHER THERE IS LIQUOR IN THIS CUP.
TO WHICH THE TEACHER SAID, "THEN GIMME THAT.
I MAKE 28 GRAND A YEAR AND I PERSONALLY HAD TO BUY THOSE
CRAYONS STUCK UP YOUR NOSE."
MEANWHILE, IN SPORTS RELIGION NEWS, THE N.F.L.'S HOUSTON
TEXANS CELEBRATED PASSOVER THIS WEEKEND BY TWEETING THESE IMAGES
OF THEIR PLAYERS CARRYING MATZAHS LIKE A FOOTBALL.
I ASSUME TO COMMEMORATE WHEN THE ISRAELITES WERE IN THE TWO
MINUTE DRILL RIGHT BEFORE THE RED SEA CLOSED UP.
NOW, SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T CARE FOR THE TWEET, BUT I LOVE WHEN TEAMS
MIX RELIGION INTO THEIR BRANDING.
AND LET'S NOT FORGET, THIS IS HOW THEY CELEBRATED
CHRISTMAS.
MEANWHILE, IN OTHER TERRIBLE EASTER CHOICES NEWS,
A PARENT DRESSED AS THE EASTER BUNNY PASSED OUT CONDOMS AT A
TEXAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
'CUZ IF THERE'S ONE THING WE ASSOCIATE WITH RABBITS, IT'S
BIRTH CONTROL.
APPARENTLY, THE PARENT CAME TO SCHOOL TO HAND OUT PLASTIC EGGS,
AND SOME OF THOSE EGGS CONTAINED CANDY, AND SOME STUDENTS WERE
ALSO GIVEN UNOPENED CONDOMS.
AN EASTER BUNNY HANDING OUT CONDOMS MAKES NO SENSE.
HE SHOULD HIDING EGGS FILLED WITH JELLY BEANS AROUND THE BACK
YARD TO COMMEMORATE THE RESURRECTION OF OUR LORD AND
SAVIOR, LIKE HE DOES IN THE BIBLE AND ON THE THIRD DAY,
JESUS BIT THE EARS OFF THE CHOCOLATE RABBIT.
MEANWHILE, COACHELLA IS CURRENTLY UNDERWAY IN INDIO,
CALIFORNIA, WITH A SPECIAL TWIST THIS YEAR:
COACHELLA IS COMING TO FORTNITE.
THE MUSIC FESTIVAL IS PARTNERING WITH EPIC GAMES TO RELEASE
COACHELLA-THEMED SKINS.
SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE NEW FORTNITE CHARACTER:
'DO YOU HAVE ANY COKE?' CAROLINE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JULIA ROBERTS.