(upbeat music)
Sweet buttery Baratheons, you guys.
Last Sunday's epic Game of Thrones finale
was 69 minutes of pure, mic dropping majesty.
Now, if you haven't seen it yet, what's wrong with you?
So you should know we're gonna get awfully spoilery
up in here, so now's your chance to make like
Gendry and row the hell on out of here.
Are you gone?
Good.
All right, now let's talk about Varys, shall we?
Everyone's favorite chrome domed robe sporting
eunuch spy master made some major moves in the
Winds of Winter, except there was one
major question left hanging.
How in the seven hells did he get from Meereen to Sunspear
to the middle of the freaking ocean
in what seemed like a few short minutes?
Well according to one fan theory,
it's because he's secretly a merman.
That's right, a merman!
And that's exactly what we're gonna talk about
on today's episode of The Dan Cave.
Now, before we go down this underwater rabbit hole,
let's get the logical argument out of the way, shall we?
Dorne is on the southeastern tip of Westeros.
It's basically the Florida of Westeros,
which considering their affinity for rampant murder,
putting poison in their bodies,
and garish costumes, is an apt comparison.
Meereen on the other hand is located across the Narrow Sea
to the southwest in Essos, so naturally
they have to pass by Dorne en route to King's Landing.
Make sense? Good.
That's the logical answer, but logic is boring.
What's way more fun is the crackpot concept
that Varys is a motherflipping merman.
The theory, which was brought to my attention by the
awesome Joanna Robinson of Vanity Fair and the Cast of Kings
podcast has actually been around for quite some time.
It originated from a poster named Nightflyer
on a Song of Ice and Fire wiki.
Now first of all, mermen or merlings as they're known
in A Song of Ice and Fire, are an
established part of the lore.
Denizens of Lannisport in Oldtown
claim to have met merlings.
The merling king is worshiped as a deity.
In fact, there's even a statue in his honor
in the House of Black and White in Braavos.
And there's a house in the north that has,
you guessed it, a merling on its shield.
Hmm, all starting to add up, huh?
I mean sure, the notion of fishtailed sea monsters
may seem like an old salt wives tale,
but as we've learned over the course of five books
and six seasons of TV, stranger things have happened.
Like a shadowy demon baby powered by the blood of kings
emerging from Melisandre's downstairs mixup
and murdering Renly Baratheon.
You know, that old chestnut.
That old demonic king-slaying
lady cavern dwelling chestnut.
So we've established that merlings exist in Westeros.
But why Varys specifically?
Why is he a merling?
Well the root of the theory begins
when Arya is stalking Varys
and Illyrio Mopatis in King's Landing.
Arya hears water dripping in the distance which,
you know, King's Landing, creaky, leaky place.
Not that weird, but next she observes the two rotund,
berobed gentlemen emerging from
what George R.R. Martin terms a well.
She trails them for a while but ultimately loses them
where the sewers empty out into the river.
Okay, Varys disappears all the time.
I mean he's basically a portly robe covered
Batman in that way.
Is it because he has a strange, fish-like tail perhaps?
Who knows?
I mean plus he's well known to be a eunuch, or so he claims.
I mean maybe that's just a cover story he tells
to dissuade looky loos from taking a peek at his coral reef.
Or, whatever fish genitalia is called.
I don't know.
What makes their disappearance even curioser though
is that both Varys and Illyrio are described
as abnormally large men who happen
to be light on their feet.
Now maybe they're just good dancers,
or maybe their secret is some sort of merling
strength they don't want us to know about.
Plus, they have no problem navigating the
labyrinthine tunnels beneath King's Landing
because they can swim through the myriad waterways
using their fishtacular mer-powers!
The theory notes that in the book,
Varys is said to have a peculiar, slimy smile,
which could mean that just has resting fish face,
or that he's trying to hide his razor sharp piranha teeth.
Those razor sharp teeth would be ideal for
devouring human flesh, wouldn't they?
After all, Brienne warns us of squishers,
which are fish-like creatures that stalk the land
and eat human flesh, and Varys
also purportedly licked his lips
when the subject of eating people once came up.
This is according to some people who believe this theory,
although I can't find it myself, but I gotta say,
doesn't sound that out of character
for this bald monster man.
And speaking of human flesh, do you remember Lord Manderly?
Well in the book he supposedly murdered
Rhaegar, Symond and Jared Frey, and baked them into
meat pies which he then served and ate at
Ramsay Bolton's wedding and guess what his house sigil is?
Remember the beginning of the episode?
It's a merling with dark green hair and a black trident.
Hmm.
And then there's the time that Tyrion threatened
to throw old Varys into the sea,
and the Spider replied, you might
be disappointed in the results.
Disappointed?
Why, because you're a mythical sea creature?
And remember Varys's bedroom in King's Landing?
Oh you know the cozy place with no bed in sight
except for a giant stone slab that's
a secret trap door to escape the palace?
Well, where does he sleep?
According to mer-truthers it's either in the bath
or the waters beneath the city or maybe not at all.
We don't know enough about merling sleep habits.
Either way, it's weird to have a bedroom without a bed,
because then it's just a room.
But, I have to say my favorite part of the theory
is Varys's mer-tivations.
(chuckles)
Nice, Dan.
(chuckles)
So stupid.
So why do Varys and Illyrio want dragons on their side?
Why have they thrown in their lot with Daenerys Targaryen?
Well, it's quite simple.
If you bring dragons north to help fight
the impending white walker hordes,
you'll not only save the day, but you'll also
melt the ice causing a massive ice melt.
This arcane global warming could,
in fact, raise the sea levels across Westeros,
resulting in, you guessed it, more real estate for merlings.
That's right, the entire saga of Game of Thrones
can be an elaborate mer-scheme to expand their territory.
And what place is high enough to
survive a biblical flood like this?
The Eyrie, and who rules the roost in the Eyrie?
Peter Baelish, aka Littlefinger.
A man who claimed to have Varys under control,
and who chartered a Braavosi ship known as the
Merling King to ferret himself away from the Purple Wedding,
and maybe that name wasn't just for the ship.
Maybe it was in reference to himself.
Maybe he will become the Merling King working
in cahoots with these secret mer-people.
Because after all, who needs an iron throne anyway
when you've got one that isn't completely
submerged by ice cold water?
Anyway, the plot thickens you guys.
The plot thickens like so many Frey children
in so many meat pies, in so many ovens,
which if you're keeping track at home,
is a lot of Freys getting fried.
Actually I don't know, they probably bake the pies.
But what do you guys think?
Is Varys secretly a merman?
Is geography the real answer to all of our questions?
Will the horrible truth be revealed
sometime in season seven?
Let me know in the comments, and while you're there
give me an ultra fishy thumbs up.
That's all for today's show.
Join me next time when I talk about the story of
Nicolas Cage trying to stop a plane full of spooky ghosts,
spirits, and demons from landing on the Las Vegas strip
in the Con Air-juring 2.
Until next time, keep on digging.
Let's open up the old mail bag, shall we?
@shorster asks if you were a famous cartoon animal,
which cartoon animal would you be and why?
The answer is simple, my friend.
I would be Catdog.
I've been called an abomination by some,
physically repugnant by others, and Kyle Hill
has to use science to explain how I poop.
@Bphase asks what's the likelihood of
Jaime Turning on Cersei as she become the mad queen
and drove the remaining child to suicide?
Oh, it's off the freaking charts, my friend!
Remember why Jaime killed King Aerys Targaryen
in the first place?
To prevent him from detonating wildfire
and having a King's Landing barbecue.
Now though, Cersei has gone full on monster,
and not even their special sibling connection can save her.
@alfredopamina asks best TV series that no one talked about
or knew about, my example being The 10th Kingdom.
Great question, Alfredo.
I'll have to give a shoutout to one of my favorite
sketch shows of all time, That Mitchell and Webb Look.
David Mitchell and Robert Webb's four season long series
is whip smart, insanely funny, and deeply wacky
in the best way, and because honestly, BMX Bandit
and Angel Summoner are the superheroes we need right now.
But tell me, what's your favorite underappreciated TV show?
Let me know in the comments below
and I'll see you guys next time.