What up?
Mmm! Explosion. Explosion!
Alright, let's get this over with.
1) Can we hurry this up? I got another interview I need to be at.
2) How much doI get paid? 3) What kind of benefits do we get here?
4) You guys don't do background checks, do you? Let me know if you need me to explain
anything.
Why did you leave your last job? 5) Oh, I didn't leave. I was fired.
6) They wanted me to go to sensitivity training. 7) There weren't enough attractive women...sorta
like this interview. 8) Embezzlement.
How do you define success? 9) No STD's
10) No children. 11) No commitment at all really.
12) By the amount of girls I slept with. 13) Not getting caught by the police.
14) Obviously, by how much I make. 15) Do you mind if my parole officer sits
with us? 16) We both know you need black people at
this company. 17) Do you mind if my mom sits with us? Mom!
She said it's ok. C'mon.
Describe yourself in one word. 18) Turn up.
19) Swag. 20) Yolo.
21) Yeet. 22) Sexist.
23) Unmotivated. 24) Lazy.
25) Basic. 26) #MustardOnTheBeat
27) The email said I needed to bring a resume. What is a resume? What is that?
Why do you want to work here? 28) Cause I'm broke.
29) My friend said it was easy cash! 30) I'm just trying to get with the receptionist.
She's like a 9.5...you wouldn't know about that.
31) Oh, I don't. I just have to act like I'm "searching" for a job for my unemployment
check. 32) I don't. My mom just threatened to kick
me out. 33) I'm turning 26. I need health insurance.
34) I'm a little high right now. Hahahahaha!
Tell me a little about yourself. 35) Nah!
36) I don't really like to stay at one job that long. I like to bounce around from place
to place... 37) ...sorta like your daughter.
38) I'm unemployed. 39) I've only been arrested 6 times...
40) I'm black 41) ...wait 7.
42) I went to Taco Bell last night. 43) I'm single.
44) I've never killed anyone... 45) ...yet.
46) Shouldn't you be at home with your children? 47) You guys have a kitchen, right? Why aren't
you in it? 48) I'm not gonna lie. I had a couple of beers
before coming here. It takes the edge off.
What are some of your weaknesses? 49) Cocaine.
50) Acid. 51) Underage females.
52) Responsibility. 53) Your mom.
54) Basic English grammar. 55) Big butts...I cannot lie.
56) Prescription pain medication. 57) Alchohol.
58) Marijuana 59) Being on time. You know I'm on black people
time still...you know! 60) Women in business suits.
61) *Eyebrow raise* 62) *Consecutive eyebrow raise*
Discuss your resume. 63) It's in Times New Roman...previously Arial...
64) ...from an online template I got last night.
65) I just made most of this up.
What are some of your strengths? 66) Biceps.
67) I don't have any. 68) My last boss said I was good at alienating
people. 69) I can consume large amounts of alcohol.
70) I know Microsoft Word. 71) I can speak fluent Dothraki.
72) I'm really good at World of Warcraft... 73) ...Call of Duty Black Ops 2.
74) Oh, I'm really good at Clash of Clans.
What do you see yourself doing in 5 years? 75) You!
76) Hopefully I'm not still here! 77) At a better job than this!
78) Smoking a lot of weed. Hopefully it'll be legal by then. You know what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying. 79) Starting a rival competitor.
80) Leading the anarchist movement. 81) This place is like a stepping stone.
82) Hmm? Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.
Do you have any questions for me? 83) No.
84) Honestly, I've never made it this far. 85) Can I work from home cause I'm actually
on house arrest. I'm surprised it hasn't gone off yet.
86) Can I get an advance today. 87) How much do you get paid?
88) You ever dated a younger guy? 89) Do you want to?
90) So are you the only douchebag that works here?
91) What's the policy on sexual harassment around here? Cause my last job wasn't too
lenient. 92) How soon can I take vacation days?
93) When do I get a raise? 94) Wait, do you guys drug test?
95) How many times am I allowed to fail? 96) Didn't we match onTinder?
97) How you heard my mixtape yet? I brought a couple copies.
98) So this place isn't 500 feet within a school is it?
99) What's the WiFi password 100) So, what exactly do you guys do here?
Get out!
I’m a grown man.